Star Trek: Picard is not good. You know this if you’re not lying to yourself or stupid.

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Episode 1-5 Summation

I was excited again, even following Discovery. Albeit yes, I was much more hesitant to get too excited. But the return of Jean-Luc Picard. How could you fuck this up? WHO could fuck this up?

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Picard isn’t a television show. It’s an entire season of a movie about “JL,” a character played by Patrick Stewart who is an alternate universe version of a character we used to love and enjoy. Now, we hate him because all he does is get his ass chewed out by shitty new characters (or old characters ruined).

First, none of the characters have memorable names, so all I can do is describe them by their stupid traits. There’s the screaming drug addicted black woman; Data’s daughter we never knew about; Stupid ugly cry face Agnes; Cigar smoking shrapnel shoulder; and Picard, who appears exhausted, tired, old, and useless. Patrick Stewart, now age 150, reads his lines at about 60% of the speed of The Next Generation Picard. Each…word…sounds…like…this…to…me. And I love the guy, but you know, maybe someone tells him speed it up gramps?

Speaking of the dialogue, I can’t understand anything that anyone is saying in this. All of the actors mumble their lines and I guess they’ve not got a sound person on this show.

The lens flare bullshit is back and is more offensive than ever. Most of the scenes in this show aren’t visible. If you’ve ever wondered what it is like to have extreme cataracts while driving down a bright road at night with a windshield smeared in Vaseline, this is it.

The show is unnecessarily violent, and that’s coming from someone who was screaming laughing at the end of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. As of Episode 5, the single most hated moment in the series by almost everyone is beloved character Icheb getting his eyeball ripped out, without anesthetics, all on screen. Seven of Nine mercy kills him so she can kill the villain of the week by the end of the episode – in a scene that teaches revenge is good.

CBS tried to promote the show on their talking hen show. What followed was completely embarrassing.

Because the writers of this show don’t know how to properly establish character traits, we get ham-fisted attempts to show us that characters know each other. Screaming Drug Addict calls Picard “JL” well over a dozen times by this point in the series. The first episode had at least six or seven uses in it, possibly ten. I stopped counting after I started screaming at my lamp over how stupid this show was.

In another scene early on into the boring first episode, a young African American is murdered with a throwing knife – a Medieval weapon still being used in an era of beam weapons, for some reason. The character was the most interesting to me in the room since I don’t care about Big Jaw. For no reason, they then put a bag over her head and start beating her up. Just stun her! She “activates” and does a bunch of Matrix moves on them to kill them. So lame.

This show isn’t diverse, even though they try to act like it is. The only diversity is that the writing room now includes stupid people and intelligent people; Star Trek fans and people who have never seen an episode. Yeah, they’ve made that more diverse. Taking old characters who have established heterosexual tendencies and retconning them to be LGBT (Seven of Nine) feels cheap, like a modern way to exploit the 2020 PC culture. Seven wasn’t gay in Voyager. She also grew from an emotionless killer to a more human person by the end of the show. Oh but now she murders people for revenge.

Several episodes had nothing happen in it whatsoever, so there’s nothing to mention here about them. This show is literally designed to take one small unimaginative story and stretch it out across 10 weeks to get you to stay on CBS All Access. This would normally have been a two-part episode, like Redemption or Chain of Command. Instead, it’s a 10 part episode. You’ll see Drekkies online saying “LOL THIS IS HOW STORIES ARE TOLD IN 2020.”

Actually, it’s how stories are ruined in 2020.

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