Making a television series based on the Star Trek intellectual property is like having a license to print money. Basically all you have to do is not fuck up and not be stupid. Somehow the last two Star Trek series have been completely fucked up from the concept stage forward.
The reason is that prequels do not work for Star Trek. Unlike Star Wars, which is fantasy based, Star Trek is based around science advancing, society advancing, morality advancing, and in general, just advancing. Star Trek is about going forward and getting better.
You can’t do that if you going back 100 years and deliberately avoiding the lessons learned in earlier shows. Or, worse, by having learned said lessons and screwing up canon by having people in the future be backwards. (Kirk lusting over people, Janeway committing genocide).
Also, shows in the past do not have world ending stakes. We already know the future is going to be okay because, in STD’s case, we know about the shows which will all happen in the timeline. There’s going to be an Enterprise E and even J. Shits gonna be fine.
I mentioned the advancement of science on the show mattering. It’s not as much the case but it definitely does matter. We’ve built canon around remodulating phasers. No one wanted to see fucking PHASE CANNONS. They’re weak. But also, we learned how the Federation slowly developed new weapons and we had a general sense of power of items. New shows in the past totally throw that out the window. It’s like value being thrown away.
What about societal advancements? Making peace with the Klingons and learning to have coexistence with long time enemies? Prequels throw that out the door and we get to see the enemies. Again. And in STD’s case, they look like hell.
Another issue is real life tech advancing. Prequels should look old school but they never do. People actually ignorantly claimed Enterprise had a bridge that looked old school. It looked like a bridge made in 2002. It looked 40 years ahead of Kirk’s bridge of pastels colored children’s blocks. We all just accepted that until you made prequel. Knowing you can’t have the Match Game looking bridge, you made it have 4×3 flatscreens.
Discovery has similar issues. They had holograms so advanced, they had to write a line about removing them because Pike, who is destined to be in a horrible looking wheel chair, doesn’t like them. This was dumb. What would be someone’s problem with light?
“Get that telephone out of here. I don’t want to receive messages through anything but phonograph!” Logic of STD writers.
The dipshits figured this out on this show and sent the ship into the future. It’s their only hope of saving the show (there’s no hope. This is just me needing to use a line here and it sounding good. I’d rather read a book than watch this shit). Now, they can finally write with true stakes, explore moral dilemmas that haven’t and have been fleshed out already, and fuck up a new era. Yum yum.
For many years people have speculated about the death of John F Kennedy and if it was actually something shrouded in conspiracy due to hidden intentions. However I postulate the idea that John F Kennedy was not assassinated but rather died of a drug overdose while riding in the back of the Cadillac.
What if John F Kennedy took so much drugs his head just did that?
At the same time, Poor Lee Harvey Oswald was just trying to read a book. With his rifle. Next to an open window. That could happen to anyone.
John F Kennedy was well known as a drug addict. He once had sex with Marilyn Monroe and according to several sources her vagina was filled with drugs.
Some people say JFK, as some people called him, was shot up. But what if he shot up himself?
The picture of the Emperor in the background of this is literally an action figure. I’m not joking.
The latest trailer for Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker shows that the Star Wars Saga is dead and Disney is the undertaker. The biggest reason is that in 2019, stupid suck ass hacks have achieved power in corporations like Disney and Sony. Everyone is charge is where they’re at because they’re a good kiss ass. They’re not good writers like Steven Spielberg, Ivan Reitman, George Lucas, or others who had to achieve their success through creativity.
You achieve your success now by being a man-hating mega liberal who bows down to the bad ideas of your bosses.
That’s why these movies are written by people who seem unintelligent. They are. They’re not creative people. They’re hacks.
The trailer begins by showing us a montage of the old movies. Moments, mostly created by George Lucas, are used to draw us into this film. They’re doing this because the previous two films did not get anyone invested in the characters.
We finally see a shot from the new Disney trilogy. It’s XWings flying. They created so little in terms of characters, they have nothing to show us here.
And we finally hear it. It’s the lame ass strategy Disney is going to run with. This is the last Star Wars movie and the saga is concluding SO YOU BETTER GO WATCH IT.
But, the saga already concluded in Revenge of the Sith, in my eyes. This is just fan fiction by a company rich enough to buy the rights. It’s damn near as lame as watching PewDiePie with a green lightsaber fighting Darth Maul while acting concerned and wise.
So, the gimmick this time is that the series is ending. If that’s (hopefully) true, it means Disney has made a horrendous decision out of the gate. See, we knew the last prequel was the end of that series but this? This is open ended and you’re telling us the finish. The finish is that this movie wraps it all up.
Which immediately kills the believability of Rey turning to the Dark Side, which is what we see at the end of the trailer. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
We see the bland main characters all traveling together for some reason. They’re looking for a hidden cache of superweapons the Emperor stored. Because, in Return of the Jedi, the Death Star he was building wasn’t really that important. He had a dozen or so hidden away.
This continues a trend of Disney reimagining old characters in ways that negatively affect the original trilogy.
Most notably, with the Emperor returning, it will nullify the prophecy that Anakin would bring balance to the Force. When Darth Vader threw Palpatine down the shaft, KILLING HIM, that WAS the prophecy.
Bringing Palpatine back to life takes all the meaning away of the ending in Return of the Jedi.
But it’s too late and they’re already doing it. Even though he’s going to be killed off FOR GOOD* this time, I’m already let down by the cheap plot line of bringing dead characters with completed arcs back to life all because of one reason:
Disney’s hacks like JJ Abrams and Rian Johnson, appointed by Queen Hack Kathleen Kennedy, couldn’t write a villain interesting enough to make me want to watch the series.
I’m not sure how Rian Johnson is even still alive. No one has ever failed as badly as him but he’s on Twitter like a proud fool. I would have taken a trip to the rope store and the rickety stool store by now. You ever see one of those toothless rotted mouth people smiling as big as their mouth will go? That’s his level of unawareness. Toothless Smiler Level.
Kylo and Rey are going to fight again in this movie. That’s the third time they’ll have fought. Disney didn’t let the male win once so we have no stakes and no one cares. No one believes Kylo will win. Even if he does, we all hate him for being so weak.
Oh, and C3PO’s eyes turn red now because of some hostile programming that takes him over OR worse, because he’s possessed by the Emperor.
It’s 1:15 into the trailer before we see the new film (1:50 is when the title appears, so…). We hear Darth Vader breathing. Rey has a red saber at the end and it’s kind of stupid (two at once that then flip into a double bladed one. Why would you want two?)
So, if they turn Kylo good…and Rey bad…would it be interesting? Maybe for the short term. Maybe the Emperor would possess Rey for some kind of fun high jinks. But, I don’t think they’ll do that because the woman can’t be bad or weak, even if it furthers the story.
“We wasted billions to feel better about ourselves and we still feel hollow!”
The Force isn’t female. The Force doesn’t spend its spare time online finding new things to be offended about while dialing up hypocrisy to a level previously never met. The Force doesn’t feel a lifetime of insecurities that need to be righted by making men look stupid. Modern feminism isn’t about equality.
It’s about revenge.
And just like Ghostbusters 2016, and Star Wars The Last Jedi, and so many others, that shit might make your militantly misandrist audience happy. However. That tiny percentage of miserable women (and loser guys who suck up to them out of fear) aren’t enough to support a global brand.
If I was facing a life-threatening condition, I would want Dr. McCoy, or the EMH, or even Bashir. Even Hugh Culber or Dr. Pollard from STD would be preferable.
But not Dr. Beverly Crusher.
She’s the most inept person in virtually every single setting. Her patients die all the time. More dead bodies come out of her office than a hospice house. Damn, that felt pretty cold. But not as cold as the bodies in Dr. Crusher’s care.
I’m going to discuss some of the examples.
In “Remember Me,” she went hysterical as members of the crew vanished. I can already here some stupid person saying “What would you have done if everyone disappeared?” I would have been happy. But I would have been calm because I don’t panic. I’m brilliant. After she went nuts, she finally calmed down and figured out how to survive but like barely.
In “Skin of Evil,” she didn’t even try to save Tasha Yar. Tasha just got flung across the set with a special effect zap and wasn’t even bleeding but Crusher just says “She’s dead.” Dude, really? Because in 2019 they yell “Code Blue” on the loudspeaker and at least TRY to save them with technology.
In “Sarek,” she slaps Wesley in the face. That’s…that’s a crime. All medical evidence is suggesting an end to spanking (think about it. Teaching kids to hit people doing things they don’t like. Duh). By 2300, that’s an assault. Worf should have arrested her.
In Star Trek First Contact, she uses the EMH to create a diversion and as Red Letter Media pointed out, took the exact time needed to escape to explain to it what she needed. Worthless.
In this video compilation, she’s shown to be totally incompetent with a basic medical device that appears to work on the same principals as a laser pointer.
She’s also irrationally argumentative. In “True Q,” she shouted in the face of God (Q is god in Star Trek, I’ll explain more another time). He turned her into a dog. He don’t give a shit.
In “Genesis,” her incompetence is once again on display. She detects that Worf has some type of ACIDIC COMPOUND in his throat and tells him to open his mouth while she puts her eyes right into it. She gets Reptiled.
In “Ethics,” she doesn’t have the ability to repair Worf’s paralysis. It’s 2300. She can’t grow him a new spinal cord through cloning and implant it? She’s lazy. She doesn’t even bother trying. She tells him he’s never going to walk again. Watch this unaltered scene.
In “All Good Things,” she’s somehow been given command of a ship. She blows it up within five minutes.
In “The Host,” she fell in love and wanted to get married after 8 days. She wanted to quit her lifelong career over it. Idiot.
In “Generations,” Data shoves her into the ocean because she sucks.
She’s known as the “Dancing Doctor” according to the episode where she taught Data how to dance.
She let a Romulan die in one episode and almost caused an interstellar incident with the Romulans.
She also had sex with a ghost.
She’s incompetent. I’ll be adding more to this as time goes on but the bottom line is, she’s deadly.
I was grocery shopping online again so I don’t have to interact with anyone in public – my life goal now – and I came across a pizza with the UFC logo. Is this pizza on steroids? Does it beat its girlfriend? No. But it is shaped like an octagon and it’s the OFFICIAL FROZEN PIZZA OF THE UFC.
What exactly does that mean? That Devour bought ad rights to shill their pizza to UFC fans. They didn’t pay enough to be the official pizza (Dana White wants Papa Johns. You just know it). But they’re clearly paying enough to cobrand the entire pizza down to the shape of the thing.
But the main question is if the pizza is any good. Is it? No. It tastes like shit and I’m never buying another one again.
First thing I noticed was how condensed the thing was and heavy. It must be so they could make the octagon with rigidity to not end up looking like some acid trip shape by the time it was cooked. No, sure enough, this pizza holds its shape until the end. Almost to the degree that I couldn’t cut it. It took me three or four gouges with the pizza roller to get it into the fucking Kevlar crust. I quickly decided to only cut four pieces because I was running out of strength.
My first bite set off a few alarms. I had the Ultimate Sausage and Pepper mess. This sausage is a bit spicy. I enjoyed it but old people who have ulcers won’t. The peppers and onions taste sort of low quality but fine. I picture Dana White saying in his meeting, while gawking at a future sexual assault victim, that he wants to see some extreme pizzas that push the limits on taste! So they dumped a can of pepper into the sausage mix. But I’ve got to come back to this crust.
It’s like eating on Captain America’s shield. It’s not tasty. It’s just hard. It tastes every bit as cheap as Banquet and I think that’s who is behind this brand, okay?
This pizza is actually as low quality as a Tombstone or Red Baron pizza. The difference is, it’s not priced like one of those. It’s priced like a fuckin UFC PIZZA THAT’LL BEAT YOUR ASS. The same price as Freschetta or Not Delivery It’s Digorno. Both of those are vastly superior. I barely finished this Devour. I sure didn’t Devour it.
Also, UFC fighters don’t eat garbage pizza. If they’re going to eat a cheat meal it’ll be a delicious fresh pizza made by their wife they beat. Concussion sports are not going to last another 20 years btw. But this pizza won’t last another year.
Are the show-runners really this stupid? Did no one tell them that this dog had been mutilated before they stuck it into the Star Trek Universe?
ITS FREAKING EARS HAVE BEEN HALF SLICED OFF.
I’m talking about the new poster for Star Trek Picard which has fanboy’s excited but no one else interested. It gave me a headache and I really thought there was a planet in the background. Then I realized it was the return of lens flare.
So I realize Sir Patrick Stewart may like shit-bulls (I don’t) but all jokes aside, that is the dog AFTER its ears have been through the process called “cropping.”
See, pit bulls are actually born looking quite like you would expect. Then humans go and start screwing with them. It’s very painful for the dog.
But since the people who are in charge of this think SONAR WORKS IN SPACE, I’m guessing no one told them that pitbulls weren’t born with their ears mauled off by another species. I even had some idiot say online that he thought the dog might have been cloned. Yeah, you don’t clone scars, fool.
Another issue I have with the poster and basically, everything about the teasers of the show so far: it keeps hearkening back to the Chateau Picard vineyard. That was shown in a number of episodes of the TNG series as his future in retirement. It seems like they just keep going back to the familiar stuff instead of showing us how they’re going to deliver on great ideas and good writing. You know. The shit that has been totally absent from Star Trek Discovery.
I’m concerned. Star Trek Picard doesn’t just run the risk of sucking. It runs the risk of spoiling a lot more than that. It could completely suck the life out of The Next Generation by milking each small moment and episode of all its originality, making even a journey down memory lane cringe inducing for the PTSD-like memories it might evoke of the newer Kurtzman series.
I’m still suffering from Season 1 of Discovery, folks. Season 2 didn’t leave me traumatized – it just blew – but season one actually affected me. The animal torture, the absolute absence of a logical main character, the constant fighting and war and screaming and death…it was all just too much. The show writers had no idea what they were doing. They wrote big and big and bigger and BIGGER. They didn’t have an idea as to why you don’t need to try to shove so much down the audiences’ throats. Sure. It’s fun when you do it for a movie like Avengers: Endgame. Those movies took ten years to build up to, though. The payoff is that the movie franchise ended so well (at least, that phase), that it makes the earlier movies MUCH MORE VALUABLE. Tell me at least once you haven’t said to yourself that you want to go back and watch at least one of the old Iron-man movies. Maybe all of them. I have. That’s because better productions enhance previous productions in the same universe.
So I bring you back to my most concerning question: Is Star Trek Picard going to screw up Star Trek The Next Generation?
I realize many of you will point out that even though Generations sucked, it didn’t hurt TNG. That’s an arguable point, since we don’t know how far the franchise might have gone into the atmosphere if not for that fucking turd. But remember how bad things went with Nemesis? That was so bad, it resulted in the near death of Star Trek overall. Enterprise was canceled. And it was all because a bunch of swarmy smart-asses wanted to kill Data, make his replacement retarded, and make Picard look old and sad and tired and wornout.
And folks. That shit was when I was graduating high school. It’s 20 years later. He don’t look any younger. He needs to be lifted up by good writing, engaging stories, and the Picard that we remember from the television series: an ethical man of principal and service. Don’t make him into the war machine from the movies – even though that’s probably what’s coming.
And something tells me they’ll end up killing off more TNG characters or maybe even Picard himself before its done.
Oh my god. I just thought of something. William Shatner is still alive. Yep. They’re going to end up doing Captain Kirk again, too. Just watch. 😦
I hate everything about Star Trek Discovery except for the cast and I actually think they’re solid. I’ve watched the entire first two seasons and I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch them again, it was so miserable. It was like fan fiction but not good fan fiction. There were a billion problems from the start until Season 2’s conclusion. That’s what I’ll cover here until I get bored.
Let’s begin with a basic list about what sucks about the show. Then, a summary of the dick ass episodes they produced. Alex Kurtzman is a dipshit.
It is another prequel. They can’t stop doing these. They suck. It’s an excuse for lazy shitheads to not have to research all the Trek lore.
The episode names show you the issue, which is that the show isn’t about anything. It’s about a really stupid woman who makes bad decisions (isn’t it?)
It’s on CBS All Access, which no one wants. They won’t even release the numbers because it has flopped so bad. Most people would rather figure out how to install a hacked app and just watch for free.
It looks like shit. It’s worse than the JJ Abrams movies, which I never liked.
I couldn’t get through most episodes without opening my phone and playing games, texting people, and getting mad.
The Klingons are stupid looking and not at all canon. They’re Orcs from LotR
The Discovery is an ugly ship. It’s terribly designed. It makes no sense. It spins everywhere which I can’t imagine a fake purpose for.
Star Trek is supposed to be based in some level of POSSIBLE reality. This show is more fantasy than sci fi.
Season 1 – Disappointed expectations and a sour taste of what’s to come
The Vulcan Hello: The show begins with the Captain and main character, Michael Burnham, violating the Prime Directive. They get beamed up to a ship that is not the Discovery. It’s the Shenzou. And it’s confusing as fuck because within minutes, that ship is in a war that Burnham starts for no reason. This shit is so awful, they wrote lines in Season 2 by Spock that make fun of this. Captain Georgou dies.
The Battle at the Binary Stars: I forgot that this was a two hour pilot and everything I just described above takes place across two hours. Burnham goes to jail.
Context is for Kings: I hate this episode title. At this point, the Discovery writers begin plagiarizing a stupid game on Steam about tardagrades and spore drives. Now, even tho STD is a prequel, they develop technology to instantly travel ANYWHERE. This ruins Trek lore (totally fucks Star Trek Voyager’s entire premise. Oh hi, that’s still more popular than this show) and must be awkwardly addressed in the Season 2 finale.
The Butcher’s Knife Cares Not for the Lamb’s Cry (yeah, this whole thing is really a title): Starfleet is at war still and Burnham is on Discovery now. It’s painful. They’re also going to start torturing the tardagrade until it screams and that’s supposed to be fun to watch.
Choose Your Pain: Unfortunately, Lorca, who is so evil they have to write a mirror universe story arc at the end of the first half of season 1 to explain him, meets a totally dull fucking character: Ash Tyler. Also, Harry Mudd is in this, played by Rainn Wilson. Folks, a lot of people will tell you this is their favorite part. I’m here to tell you that this character sucks. It’s annoying, over-played, and supposed to be done like we know who this fucking guy is in Star Trek. I do, but his character was never played like this. They make him a super villain.
Lethe: This episode sucks but I don’t even remember why.
Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad: The dumbass fucking show makes a disco party happen in the middle of a war on Discovery and it’s just awful.
Si Vis Pacem, para Bellum: Discovery has to learn how Klingons cloak for one hour.
Into the Forest I Go: More shitty titles. Lorca uses Discovery to end the war with the Klingons. He ends up in the Mirror Universe (there’s only one lol).
Despite Yourself: The first interesting episode of the entire show happens when they arrive in the Mirror Universe. In a normal Star Trek season, this would be one episode or MAYBE two. It’s the rest of the season.
The Wolf inside: Stuff happens and Burnham is undercover.
Vaulting Ambition: A title that does not describe the writers of this. Stamets is inside of the mycelial network, now. Also, the show is doing a thing where it kills off characters – and then brings them back. Death is meaningless in this show. Georgiou, Burnham, Culber, just about everyone dies and comes back some how. Even if it is the Mirror Version, they end up just using that character and making them good again (Georgiou).
What’s Past is Prologue: Since they’ve decided to devote HALF OF A SEASON to the Mirror Universe arc, we must now slowly drudge through bad ideas for episodes. Lorca is going to take over from the Emperor who is Georgiou.
The War Without, The War Within: They’ve not had one good episode title yet. All Corny cliches. This and episode 15…
Will You Take My Hand?: The season finale episodes. Both were the end of the Klingon war. A show that created its own unneeded conflict expects us to feel satisfaction at its end. I feel like the show needed to end and was stunned by the realization this would not be the last episode. I guess bad investors don’t know when to pull out (also people who are trailer trash that have 50 kids). The possible reason we continued the misery: they fucking made the USS Enterprise RANDOMLY show up.
Season 2 – More stupid decisions while also fixing previous stupid decisions
At this point, the writers decide they’re going to mindfuck the audience. We’ve seen several characters killed off and brought back already. That’s going to be intensified in Season 2. I’ve seen people say OMG SEASON 2 FIXED EVERYTHING. No, it didn’t. Season 2 was a pile of steaming stinking brown runny shiitake mushroom puree. Actually, just shit. It improved in a handful of ways:
It realized Star Trek is supposed to be episodic, but it still fucked up by focusing on these elementary school concepts for season-long story arcs that took the focus from each episode (Red Angel. Time Crystals)
They make jokes about how if you put the word “time” in front of something, it sounds cooler. This was one of the rare moments I said “Hmm. That’s clever. I like it.” And THEN, they literally say they have to find a TIME CRYSTAL. They had no better name than that lazy shit. The earlier jokes about “time” weren’t involved here and never were acknowledged again.
We get another double agent, this time in the silicon cyborg lady on the bridge. Last season, it was Lorca. They kill off this character and give her a funeral for half an episode so I’m pretty sure we can count on her being dead but knowing this show’s writers, they’ll bring her back.
Deciding that the Mirror Universe and Klingon War wasn’t dark enough, the writers give us a Section 31 story arc. They’re the branch of Starfleet that will DO ANYTHING TO GET THE JOB DONE. Yeah except that’s all we saw the entire first season. And then…
They introduce “Control.” And they totally obsoleted the Borg by doing so. Because “Control” can assimilate you…except it can hide inside of you. It can make you a super human who can’t be killed. In every single imaginable way, Control is fucking superior to the BORG. The most lethal enemy in the history of the Federation.
The Red Angel comes back from the future and says Control is the biggest threat ever to existence and is going to wipe out all life. Now, let us think about what this means. This means that they’ve gone into the future and showed us what the worst possible enemy is. It kills everything. So…
They kill it. They save the future (from an extinction event we never heard about throughout the rest of Trek lore, which is set in the FUTURE OF THIS SHOW that the writers keep fucking forgetting about. Oh you are going to tell me that’s why we never heard about it, right? Okay, well if that’s the case, then tell me why a far more inferior enemy than Control – The Borg – lasts for ALL OF TNG, ALL OF VOYAGER, ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES, AND ARGUABLY, SEASON 3 OF THIS SHIT SHOW SINCE THEY’VE FUCKED UP ALL THEY CAN IN THE PAST? Control obsoletes the Borg and if they end up saying Control becomes the Borg, it’s going to piss me off even more because why would the Borg go from superhuman agents that look identical to normal people to SLOW MOVING CYBER ZOMBIES?
Everything about this show makes me hateful. The reason is because it’s just an ill-thought out show made my sycophantic corporate ass kisses. It’s not about talent anymore. It’s about sycophancy. Whoever kisses enough ass gets their own chance to do something stupid with our childhood.
This show undercuts everything about Star Trek. A Season 3 means they’re going into the future to what, exist in the same time as Star Trek: Picard? (Another fuck up show BTW from what I’ve heard). When will it end? Season 3 is coming, so you better get ready for it. Get ready for more ugly writing. Forced SJW shit. Stupid plot arcs. Dumb, dumb ass episodes that feel like 15 minutes stretched into 40. And who knows. Maybe we will get to see them recast Data, or a young Jean Luc…or something else.
Because that Spock worked out great, right? (eyeroll)
It starts out with young Jean Grey being a no good fucking little shit and distracting her parents while driving. Massive head on wreck. It kills both of them and she doesn’t cry or care. She’s unharmed. This movie is going to be pure shit. I can tell.
Professor X shows up and goes hi, I’m professor X. Your parents are dead wanna come live with me? She says okay.
Fast forward from 1975 to 1992. A space shuttle launches and within one second, the acting space shuttle pilots say “Houston we have a problem.” My eyes bug out as I am in awe of something this stupid. “Okay, Houston, we’ve had a problem here” is the actual Apollo 13 quote but hey let’s be fucking lazy. Speaking of lazy, Professor X appears again and decides to intervene.
The X Jet launches into space. Hank Beast Guy even says it’s not made for space. They literally fly into space and it works. I’m sure my car would drive into space just fine!
They save the astronauts and Jean absorbs this red fire storm thing. She’s the Phoenix. I hope she kills everyone and the movie ends.
Mystique argues with Xavier about him exploiting the X-Men for magazine covers. But then she said “Hey women are saving all the men so call it X Women.” That’s a reference to the poisonous SJW atmosphere of 2019. It’ll be remembered in history as being shoved down our throats too much. Women deserve equality. But this whole movie is about a woman lol. And the term “XMen” means humans. Mankind. It’s not saying XMales. That’s probably some website where low-IQ former football players in high school get their dick sucked on camera for $50 and the rest of their life ruined.
Jean has some incidents and then Xavier fucks up again by invading her mind using Cerebro. Earlier in the movie, Cyclops asks Jean why she read his mind without permission. Here, Xavier does so to her. She asks him to stop and he keeps going.
Jean finds out her dad is still alive. She goes and meets him. He looks like a zombie. She can’t sense he hates her even though as a viewer, I can see that. Bbbbuuuuut she’s too strong for Charles. She finally does read his mind. It’s a good scene.
Phoenix kicks all of the X Men ass she can. Then, she kills Mystique. Seems like she’s not really dead though, as it felt like she was about to leave the team and had a future story arc.
Beast goes nuts on X and it’s good. Some really fun scenes as my neigbor slams his doors 434 times before 6:30 AM. He ought to have a bolt screwed into his frontal lobe over that.
From there, Jean fucks up some stuff and intimidated Magneto. She causes mutants to be basically outlawed. Concentration camps! The blonde chick can’t act. Her lines are all cliche. “The only person here afraid of your powers is you.”
I really didn’t enjoy the fight between the mutants and the brotherhood but I did like the fight between the people who were not mutants vs those who were. It was kind of cool at first. Magneto throws baddies in another train car and crushes it. Blonde shows up and defeats him with ease. But it is predictable. Jean turns good and saves the day.
It’s funny because after what might have been the darkest movie ever on film* the movie ends in a bright splosion. Jean killed herself to kill the blonde and hopefully this universe.
Right after she dies, the teen actor playing Cyclops just LUMBERS up to her grave in a rush and shows no emotion. His acting has been a nightmare. He walks up like he’s buying a pack of bubblegum, watch it.
The movie ends with Magneto and James McEvoy’s creepy grinning bald head playing chess or checkers and as the pans up, we see the Space Shuttle Challenger omg #nEverforget oh wait that’s the Phoenix again.
4/10. I hope this means the MCU and Disney get the X-Men now. There are less corny movies on Hallmark. Watch X-Men the last stand and you’ll get a better story with better actors.
I love the new Resident Evil 2 game, which everyone keeps calling Resident Evil 2 Remake. Just call it what it is, RE2. No one is playing the old polygon game ever again. Anyway, the game is pretty fun so of course, everyone on the internet has lost all standards and are letting Capcom by with bullshit again. But I’m not. I’m not tolerating this shit. We’re going through everything wrong about it right now.
The game is WAY too dark. What’s up with this? We have all thought it at times…why is this so dark? Am I going to be able to turn on the lights at some point? No. You aren’t. The entire police station is so fucking dark, you can’t see what is going on around you if you have an LED screen or LCD screen, probably. I’ve spent at least an hour or two adjusting my brightness settings. They come default on the worst setting possible. I really wish Capcom would update this and fix this so I could enjoy the game without scheduling laser eye repair surgery.
The game is short. The game is so short, in fact, they’ve already released several free updates which are the developer’s way of saying “we didn’t do enough.” Now, purists will contend that this game actually is as long as the original RE2. Here’s where there’s a big difference. That game had tank controls. This game has over the shoulder action movie controls and you’re moving much, much faster. You’d run into the same problem with RE1. That’s why part of me was a little let down by the remake being in over the shoulder mode, although I do love it and don’t want to suggest I don’t. Wouldn’t it be neat to have a fixed camera angle mode, though? Props to Capcom for doing what they could to add more replayability with medals and records and stuff. Some idiot with a loud truck is driving down my road at 2 AM. You know they’re an idiot because they’ve modified their vehicle to make more noise and not less. Like imagine a predator in the wild just shouting like a fool as it ran up to gazelle trying to eat them. HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY. Yeah, he’d starve to death. But in The South, these people are lauded as good kids when they wreck and die at 20 from drinking and driving (unless they’re not white).
So far, all the bonus modes suck. They’re HARD time trials. Also, The Fourth Survivor has a lot of bullshit bugs like Mr. X apparently bypassing the blocks in the main hallway to meet you up the stairs if you get ahead of him too far. Don’t do too well! I hate Capcum. Remember Mercenaries, Capdum? Just give us something new! You gave us an OVER THE SHOULDER SHOOTER. THINK.
And while we’re at it, can we please have an ability to put on body armor used by the SWAT zombies that blocks damage to parts of their bodies? That’s so cool.
The timing on when you get up from being attacked is off. It’s totally off. Not only that, but the camera is shaken VIOLENTLY enough to disorient the player. Then, as soon as you are able to get up, you have another zombie already mid-lunge at you. No chance or choice to use your menu. Also, pause disabled. Kind of frustrating, this is.
Claire is UGLY. What were they thinking?
The image on the right was redone by a fan to make Claire look prettier. The one on the left is legitimately the ugliest character I’ve ever seen as a protaganist in a videogame. I won’t be surprised if I get SJW shit for saying this, but that’s an ugly ass woman. Claire Redfield was always HOT in the games and stuff. They made her lips too big/no shape, gave her a recessed jaw, a jagged nose, google eyes, balding eyebrows, and the smile…
Claire’s storyline is also weird and makes no sense. She’s riding a motorcycle in a storm, which would suck. She’s talking to someone, which we never find out who. Apparently, she had a headset on for her cell phone. In 1998. She arrives at a gas station and I don’t want to talk about this part anymore.
Let’s see, what else is there to complain about. They had the audacity to charge $2.99 extra for the original soundtrack while this game is void of content. They’re already selling DLC from day one, too. It’s just new skins for the characters but that justified them selling a deluxe edition, you know.
Weapons don’t cause the correct momentum shift in zombies all of the time. It does a lot of the time but you’ll blast a HOLE into a zombie and he will continue his slow stumble forward without flinching, at times. This makes no sense. The blast of a shotgun will bruise your arm and I guarantee it does a lot more on the other end, especially if it’s tearing a hole through a rotting corpse. I just feel like the player gets shafted here. The average zombie is way faster than you’re used to and can turn on a dime. He will do a 180 worse than my grandma when she’d drive in the rain. Old thing couldn’t drive.
They’ve removed the option to leave stuff behind for yourself in the second playthrough, I noticed. There’s almost no references to the second playthrough in the first except for running into the other character a little. Do you know what would have been INSANE? Giving two human players the option to play as Claire and Leon both at the same time while doing alternate playthroughs and leaving stuff behind for the other. A lot of the stuff is just lazy copy and paste stuff that doesn’t make any sense, though. How would combinations on statues and codes on computers be changed seconds apart from the other protagonist’s experience? I was disappointed to learn I had to collect the damn medals again for Claire, even though Leon already did that. I played as a man first because men would have a better chance to survive due to being stronger. Sorry ladies, but pageant skills, make-up artists, and going to the mall wouldn’t be valuable hobbies in the zombie apocalypse. However, hunting, shooting guns, being a weightlifter, doing martial arts, these would be incredibly useful hobbies to have. You’d have probably 40% of women who would lose all function compared to maybe 10-20% of men. And you know what another useless pass-time would be, ladies? COMPLAINING ON THE INTERNET.
The game is magnificent, of course. I’m telling you the stuff I don’t like because I want it all fixed. Maybe I’ll get my way. Maybe I won’t but I definitely recommend you play this game if you haven’t.
As a bonus, I want to tell you about one of my favorite aspects of this game.
Think about it. A police chief who was paid off by a corporation in a tiny town. Very EASY to see as a possible scenario in real life. But this chief was a real monster, apparently drugging and raping women, murdering people, just being an all around jerk. Leon is a rookie and still wants to believe he’s a good guy when he hears about it from the journalist that gets his head popped.
This is gold! In fact, this is worth exploring more. I hope we get some DLC based on this piece of shit and maybe his rise. Wouldn’t it be cool to experience the fall from his perspective? Sending STARS to the mansion and coordinating with Wesker or whatever.
So, check out Resident Evil 2 but adjust the brightness.
Did Vince McMahon deceive his biggest star into signing a contract in 1996 so he could destroy him in 1997?
1997 for the WWF was what many call desperation times. On the STW podcast, Bruce Prichard has said the company had to take out loans in order to pay its bills. If this is true, and he would know, a company must cut its expenses and run “thin.” This is business 101.
Now, what was the most expensive bill the WWF had to pay each month? It would be the labor costs for Bret, “The Hitman,” Hart – the biggest Canadian wrestling star in history, one of the biggest Canadian icons in history, and going into 1997, one of the biggest stars in the world. At $1,500,000 per year, Bret forced Vince McMahon to give him a hefty fee during a tense 1996 contract negotiation. Bret had the leverage to get this, though. Continue reading A Plot to Destroy “The Hitman”→
Shit bulls are the worst breed of dog possible. They’re so bad, people have to lie and pretend to push propaganda that they’re not. Like guns, pit bulls are made for killing. Unlike guns, pit bulls aren’t awesome. Well, they’re awesome when you have a gun and get to legally use it on the shit head.
The problem isn’t that the pit bull breed itself is dangerous, even though it immensely IS (more in a second on this). The problem, usually, is a negligent owner. That’s common, since America’s population lacks and the country is full of morons. So, since MOST people probably can’t care for this dog appropriately, we need to get rid of it.
Pit bulls weren’t bred to be merely aggressive. They were bred to be part of a BARBARIC practice called “bull baiting” whereby a bull cow would be tied and several dogs would be released into the pit to bite it slowly to death. Dogs with snouts or merciful tendencies weren’t appropriate for this so they needed dogs with big, wide razor blade mouths and evil brains that snapped like Chris Benoit.
Pit bulls have tremendous jaw strength, which is why when they bite, they never let go until death. My pawpaw always told me if I was ever getting bitten by a pit bull, to shove my finger up its asshole and twist. I’m not sure if that would have made the dog let go or just think I was a weirdo while he was killing me.
But after bull baiting was banned, pit bulls found a new use:
Due to public outrage, bull baiting was banned in England in 1835. Bulldog breeders and owners then moved to the sport of “ratting,” where a number of rats were placed into a pit and wagers were made on how many rats the dog could kill in a certain time period. – DogsBite.org
Pit bulls weren’t even recognized by the American Kennel Club when it was first formed because they were BRED FOR VIOLENCE. Look at the damn thing!
I stole that photo from a website called Honest To Paws (barf). The article I linked to says a family is working to break stereotypes of pitbulls and includes this statement:
The undisputed truth is that pit bulls are trained by dog fighters to be vicious. Because they make headlines when they attack someone, people have begun to believe that they are innately violent. The amount of media coverage pit bulls receive when there is an attack has reinforced a negative and false perception of them.
That is a LIE. These fools can’t do research. They even cite their own PERSONAL EXPERIENCES as evidence, which isn’t evidence. You found a dog that doesn’t tear your baby up – great! Does that mean you let the entire breed go unchecked?
Would you do that with a lion?
Folks, I’ll leave you with this. This is what the ASPCA itself says about the pit bull.
Today’s pit bull is a descendant of the original English bull-baiting dog—a dog that was bred to bite and hold bulls, bears and other large animals around the face and head. When baiting large animals was outlawed in the 1800s, people turned instead to fighting their dogs against each other. These larger, slower bull-baiting dogs were crossed with smaller, quicker terriers to produce a more agile and athletic dog for fighting other dogs.
Some pit bulls were selected and bred for their fighting ability. That means that they may be more likely than other breeds to fight with dogs. It doesn’t mean that they can’t be around other dogs or that they’re unpredictably aggressive. Other pit bulls were specifically bred for work and companionship. These dogs have long been popular family pets, noted for their gentleness, affection and loyalty. And even those pit bulls bred to fight other animals were not prone to aggressiveness toward people. Dogs used for fighting needed to be routinely handled by people; therefore aggression toward people was not tolerated. Any dog that behaved aggressively toward a person was culled, or killed, to avoid passing on such an undesirable trait. Research on pet dogs confirms that dog aggressive dogs are no more likely to direct aggression toward people than dogs that aren’t aggressive to other dogs.
It is likely that that the vast majority of pit bull type dogs in our communities today are the result of random breeding—two dogs being mated without regard to the behavioral traits being passed on to their offspring. The result of random breeding is a population of dogs with a wide range of behavioral predispositions. For this reason it is important to evaluate and treat each dog, no matter its breed, as an individual. – ASPCfuckingA
So, knowing that the entire dog breed originated as a way for hateful (white) people to get their rocks off when they weren’t invading sovereign land and “colonizing” it, do you still want to keep defending the pieces of shit? Or, maybe, admit that:
A random pit bull is a dangerous animal
Most shitty drug dealers and criminals buy them for protection which means…
A LOT of pit bulls are raised in shitty homes and taken to the pound which means…
You should NEVER adopt a pit bull unless you are getting it from someone who is a reputable breeder….
and since dog breeding is shitty, you should never get a pit bull.
I was recently finished patrolling the rooftops of my neighborhood while looking for crime and decided to watch a Netflix original. The movie is called the Titan and it stars the guy who played Falcone in Batman Begins, who has been eating a lot, as about the dumbest scientist fathomable.
The year is sometime in the future. Planet Earth has been royally fucked because we kept voting for Republicans and a nuclear war broke out. Life as we know it must be evacuated to another planet. We keep hearing this, as our main characters jog through the Hidden Valley on the ranch dressing bottles. None of the devastation has reached our main characters but it’s everywhere else I guess. Speaking of, our main characters are Terminator Salvation guy and always aghast girl. This chick is fucking always speechless about something. It’s really annoying because I’m sitting here like, “Okay, your husband is turning into Prometheus with snake hands.” but she can’t figure it out.
The premise is that since earth is shit, we have to go live somewhere. There’s a moon of Saturn called Titan which is like earth, but it has liquid methane instead of liquid water. It’s totally inhospitable to humans. But, Falcone wants to terraform HUMANS instead of the planet. That’s his sales pitch, anyway. We later learn he’s injecting people with wild animal DNA and it’s making them all pretty much deadly idiots.
The problem I have with it is in this simple thought: if they are physically evolving, why would they mentally DEVOLVE and become stupid animals who throw their wife through the glass while aghast lady just stares with her mouth open?
The movie trots along at first giving you this generic love story with a family who wants to survive this planet’s fate. In a military briefing room, everyone listens to Falcone tell them about the insane plan. IMMEDIATELY, a generic nerd guy objects and says the most basic line ever.
“I’m just not sure about the SCIENCE.”
“Do you have a family? No? Then shut up.”
And that’s the end of that. It was dumb and it made me mad. I canceled my family’s annual Christmas party through text message, I was so upset.
So at first, everyone is just occassionally getting dark veins when they cough. Some of them learn to breathe underwater for 30 minutes. One of the scientists says, “Oxygenation at 4 percent.” You lose consciousness at 80-percent or so, in real life. This creature’s blood cells no longer need oxygen. Then, suddenly, the main character tears his vest off and starts swimming like a FISH! It was funny and ridiculous. I GUESS THEY PUT TEH FISH DNA IN HIM
His wife is just aghast at all of this. She steals a dirty Q-tip he used, which is a hilarious nickname for people with skinny necks long necks and big heads. She takes it to her laboratory, because she’s sCiEnTiSt too, and she inspects it. When she hits the CSI zoom button on her microscope, she see’s black shit moving around. It’s Alien Covenant goo. It may also be Ardus from Star Trek The Next Generation. He’s the cheap ass oil monster that killed Tasha Yar off so she could go star in F movies and show her 4 inch thick bush off in nude photos.
A scene happens where a bunch of military people come in and one of them says, “Get this shit off of my base.” And another says “The United States owns your base.” because I guess the first guy, who spoke in English with no accent and had a lapel pin sized foreign flag on his arm, was a foreign general. Did you hear that, Trump supporters? He was a dirty foreigner. Falcone goes “You can call the secretary of defense on my iPhone” and he slides it across the table. But General Foreign walks out and goes “HUFF.” It’s probably good that he did because the iPhone had been artificially slowed down by Tim Cook so new phones with minimal improvements could be released each year, artificially increasing demand through a process called planned obsolescence.
The guy has to go through some operations if he wants to keep evolving. One of them is to get cat eyes, lol. You think I’m kidding? Another is to instantly change his outer appearance entirely from human to Prometheus creature. He has hand sex with his neighbor. His wife is aghast.
The movie goes off the rails, as they say, at the end. The aghast woman finally acts by impossibly switching memory-erasing medicine with saline in an easy-to-understand briefcase. This was so her husband could murder half of the soldiers guarding him to escape. He runs to his wife, Falcone catches up, all the soldiers surround him, and then…the foreign general (he’s a colonel, we finally hear) turns on Falcone. Wait.
Didn’t this thing just murder half of your troops?
All the soldiers turn their guns on Falcone at the same time, hahaha. This is feeling like a Family Channel Movie. At the end, the family is on a base where they are looking up at the sky. We think it might be earth but it is another planet, apparently. This doesn’t make any sense because they’re alive. They see a larger planet in the sky, fully lit up, while they’re at night. It wouldn’t work that way. Either the large planet would function like a moon, making it daylight, or it would just be a huge black spot in the sky with no stars.
Then, we see the main character. I thought they gave him a 9 inch penis at first but I think that was his hand. It was really dark, though, but I believe that’s because the producers didn’t want anyone to see this movie. He then takes off and he can fly. His body is shaped like a glider so there’s no way he would be able to create an upward draft. All he could do is glide. But nah he can fly. The movie ends with him flying into the camera, haha.
It’s been a while but we are back to finish all of our In Your House review fun. Now, maybe the best one ever: Canadian Stampede.
The open signature is the one I love. “In over 100 countries – in seven different languages…” We begin with everyone wearing ridiculous cowboy hats. There’s no video incorporated into the In Your House set.
Mankind and HHH are continuing their feud, first. Here, we will see a pretty standard and entertaining match that involves Chyna interfering anytime Mankind gets the upper hand. It ends with the two going into the crowd and fighting to a no contest. They’ll continue the feud with a cage match classic at Summerslam.
Someone took a camcorder to record the Calgary Stampede. Bret walks out on a shitty rodeo track and says hi to all the Canadians. His round black glasses are his heel glasses. He wasn’t giving away his mirror wraps anymore.
So Taka Michinoku comes out next and looks absolutely BORED. It’s funny because we all were too when he entered. He will fight the Great Sasuke, who was the promoter that allowed Taka to come to the US. In the middle of this match, these two get crazy. Sasuke does a karate kick off the top rope onto the floor! It’s crazy. Later, Vince calls Taka a “samurai warrior.” The match is great – except for the finish. Sasuke hits a horrid double underhook suplex and Taka doesn’t make any bump noise. The ref quietly counts to three. Vince is acting happy.
So, the WWE title is up next – already. It’s Undertaker vs Vader. Yeah – a main event none of us wanted to see. It was supposed to be Taker vs Ahmed Johnson, who had turned heel after he attacked Taker at King of the Ring. But, you see, Ahmed was an idiot. Still is. So, he injured himself in a segment with DOA when he got too rough. I guess he didn’t know wrestling was fake. So, Vader has to substitute, last minute. But the truth is, that’s probably the saving grace of what would have been a disaster. Paul Bearer cowers behind the ring apron. JR says “Pretty hard to hide when you’re 400 pounds.” King says, “You oughtta know.”
The angle they’re furthering is that Bearer is saying Kane is coming. And he’s calling Taker a “murderer.” Repeatedly. This is significant because it was one of the only times ever, even in the attitude era, that death or murder was mentioned by name. The match is a clusterfuck. It’s decided that it’s a good idea to let massively obese Vader reverse a Tombstone. He just falls on his ass. Taker then chokeslams Vader off of the top rope, but only after they both count to three and Vader builds up a good bouncy rhythm. Undertaker manages a Tombstone, somehow, on big boy. He pins him and wins. They act like no one has ever kicked out of two chokeslams. I’m guessing they had to promise Vader they would make him look strong.
The main event is up next. First, Stu and Helen and the priemer are honored. Stu and Helen get a great ovation. Stone Cold comes out mouthing off to all the Canadians. But man, the Hart Foundation gets the biggest ovation I’ve ever seen. Bret’s is thunderous. With headphones on, it really is probably the loudest ever. On commentary, JR mentions the cameras ringside filming a documentary on Bret Hart’s life. Wrestling With Shadows was the documentary and if not for Montreal, might have been a production few cared about. But, it just so happened to capture and document the events of Bret Hart’s final year in WWF. It’s great. Of course, WWE hates it because Vince is caught lying in it and HHH is caught lying in it to Bret’s wife.
Austin and Bret really kick off the match in what is basically the conclusion to their legendary feud. I love how that Austin does the Million Dollar Dream, like he did at Survivor Series 96, but this time when Bret counters, Austin escapes. The match goes into some really good back and forth stuff between all the people involved. Bruce Hart tries his damndest to get involved. No one has ever sought as much spotlight as Hamil hair Bruce Hart. Looks like John Denver’s hair bleached.
A cool moment exists where Neidhart tags Bret and they do a double team move – sort of a Demolition style finisher. It was acknowledged on commentary by Vince as being shades of the original Hart Foundation. I wish they had done a Hart Attack. Bret and Shamrock go at it and Shamrock grabs Bret’s leg on the ground. They do this spot twice and the second time Bret begs off, I think Shamrock believed him because he just lets him get up. But Ken may have believed Bret was begging off for real since Bret had knee surgery right before then.
This match has the fans so involved. Almost constantly. Bulldog goes for a superplex on Goldust and he lands kind of sideways on his back – instantly grabbing it. I bet that hurt. Austin comes back out after earlier injuries. He and Bret go head to head again. Then Owen comes out and saves Bret from Austin.
Once Austin goes outside, Bruce throws a soda on him again (I think he fucked up and did it twice. I think he wasn’t supposed to do it earlier in the match). Then, to Lawler’s delight, Austin grabs Stu. Hell breaks loose as about 32 men who all look identical to Stu Hart (his kids) all swarm. Bruce jumps over the rail and FALLS. Then, he actually gets a small chant.
In the mayhem, Owen rolls up Austin and, grabbing his asshole, pins him. In an iconic moment, Austin comes back, attacks the entire foundation, and gets handcuffed. He flips them off from behind his back as he’s led out.
“Look at this, McMahon. Stu and Helen are responsible for all of this.” – Jerry “The King” Lawler
I am presently obsessed with Ghostbusters 2, for some strange reason. As a child, this was my favorite movie. I think that’s because it was a bit more kid-friendly than the original Ghostbusters, which is presently my all-time favorite movie. It probably always will be, too. It’s just so good.
Mass Effect Andromeda is the latest disappointment from Electronic Farts. Following the promised conclusion to the “Mass Effect Trilogy,” we of course get another title. Like all these fools who think Sony will suddenly stop making Uncharted games. Or Last of Us games. I knew they weren’t done with this and as expected, they shit out another title set “in another galaxy.” Good way around the excuse that you’re done, except that it’s not and you lied. Continue reading Mass Effect Andromeda fucking sucks→
Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.
The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.
Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie. Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!→