Mass Effect Andromeda is the latest disappointment from Electronic Farts. Following the promised conclusion to the “Mass Effect Trilogy,” we of course get another title. Like all these fools who think Sony will suddenly stop making Uncharted games. Or Last of Us games. I knew they weren’t done with this and as expected, they shit out another title set “in another galaxy.” Good way around the excuse that you’re done, except that it’s not and you lied. Continue reading Mass Effect Andromeda fucking sucks
Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.
The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.
Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie. Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!
I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields. Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!
Obviously, I spoil the movie in the review but the fact is, I think Disney spoiled the movie by releasing it. This movie wasn’t good, except for the scene at the end with Dark Helmet.
So the movie begins by making me think a Star Destroyer is swooping in but it was actually a triangular shape of a dust ring. Then some stuff takes place. We meet our main characters and they’re absolute boredom. The only character with any personality is the droid. I can’t tell you what any of their names were (including the droid). Continue reading Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression
Step 1 – Stream it from a shitty, concrete-floor office. If you can’t, do a BBQ in your backyard with a $10 grill.
- With a billion dollar company, it is important to have the shittiest looking office in the world. Don’t spend any money, gang. Keep that economy bottlenecked!
Step 2 – Make sure you only take questions related to that stupid fucking drone which beams internet to Africa
- Who needs internet service in Rwanda? I’d rather not die of a tapeworm going up my piss stream.
Step 3 – Ignore all legitimate questions from readers which are challenging and make you address issues.
- Especially ignore questions about the borderline-retards who run your customer support department and who ban atheists for telling the truth to religious nuts. This is documented as having happened.
Step 4 – Ignore questions about bugs, glitches and features which haven’t worked, some in years, on Facebook. Focus on that fucking drone.
Step 5 – You’ve yet to add the ability to comment as a page on the Facebook app, and actually bugged out the ability to on the Pages app, so why fix it now? Talk about something else new you’re doing. We get it – you get tired of your old toys and want new ones.
I’m playing Dragon Age Inquisition finally, because it was on sale for what it was worth upon release – like $7. I picked it up and immediately was happy I didn’t pay for this game when it first came out. Two years after it was released, it’s still a piece of shit when you really get down to brass tacks.
My instant, first gripe that comes to mind with this game is the X button (For PS4 users. I hate XBox Ones and you should feel dumb if you bought one). EA and whoever made this mapped almost every command to the X button. Yes. With more buttons than ever before on a controller, some of which are so fucking small, you can’t naturally press them unless you have Mr. Fantastic hands (the Options button, awful). Why did they do this? I don’t know – stupid? Lazy? No beta testers with balls to speak up? Jumping, looting, talking to someone, opening doors, selecting dialogue, fucking a LOT is mapped to this in overlapping ways. You’ll run up to a carcass (sometimes bigger than the thing you destroyed) and you’ll jump instead of looting it, looking like an absolute retard.
Next, the game is overly glitchy. I can’t believe I’m playing a game two years after patches were finished. How fucking bad must this have been before they patched it – since you know they released it with more bugs than it has, now. Environments load up with none of the layers rendered, quite often actually. My character sometimes glitches and can’t move or do actions, requiring me to do a quick travel – minimum. Sometimes, enemies just stand there next to you and fucking do nothing, killing the immersion (Angry Joe). This is all off the top of my head after about a hundred hours of gameplay and I didn’t make a list but yeah, damn, this hurts the game.
Boring ass story? Check. Dragon Age Origins had a fair enough story. This game feels like a cheap knock-off of it, with some more WOW added to it. There’s shit with the Templars and Mages again, OH YOU GOTTA PICK ONE LOL. CHOICES. I’ll get to that in a minute. But I find myself skipping much of the dialogue, thankfully easy to do, because it just drones on and on and on. They try to wedge these little distinct personalities in your companions and your choices will piss them off or make them happy. This is nothing new. We’ve had this for years so I’m not as entertained anymore by repetitive features.
Now, as for the choices in the game, they’re bullshit. I reloaded a save once, chose a different option, and the fucking same line of dialogue played as the one which first played for me under a different choice. You don’t impact this game world nearly as much as you’d like to believe you do.
Also, evidently, it doesn’t make a flying fuck how many agents or people you recruit into the inquisition. Just like with Mass Effect 3, also a shitty EA game, the endings are all reportedly unaffected by your hard work.
Why do game companies do this? How is this a good idea, at all?
The essence of giving me options is different outcomes. If they’re all the same, I never really had any options. It’s like the idea of going to hell for not being gullible enough, ie stupid enough, to believe in a god (in a world of 4,200 fake religions, you think they’re is one real one which requires you to *gasp* suspend your own reasoning and blindly follow it like a lamb? LOL NO. That’s completely senseless, just like this video game is. And yes, clearly, this was just a contrived excuse to go off on religion again. Shut up.
I enjoyed Dragon Age Inquisition but it is lacking in one key trait – quality.
In 2016, nothing comes with quality anymore. Phones blow up in your hands, games are shipped with shitty bugs or just false advertising and the world is all about profit and greed, thanks to capitalism, unchecked by conservatives who are elected by the uneducated population who thinks the “media” is a single, unified entity working against Trump.
Yes, folks. You might not realize it, but decisions on our political level, which affect our economic structure, will eventually trickle-down to impacting the quality of the products you buy, including video games. Stop voting for conservatives, stop making it possible for corporate greed to control our world, and stop making it possible for companies to totally fuck customers (EA) and thrive under that business model.
Or you can vote for people worried about gays getting married, trans people taking a piss, and defending a candidate who bragged about grabbing pussy and then called allegations of him actually doing it a “rigged-system.”
Fuck this game. 6/10
I looked forward to this game for years and GODDAMN if it isn’t another fucking total let down. Even Rebel Galaxy had more to do in it than this piece of shit! Literally, Rebel Galaxy is free for PS Plus this month. Get it and play it instead.
So I thought about ending the review there, since it would be the review-equal to No Man’s Sky – a game with a fun beginning and nothing else. However, unlike the devs for that game, I’m not a lazy liar. You see, the developers of this game actually lied about what was in the game during interviews and promotions. Continue reading No Man’s Sky is a fucking let down
While it began strong and had me hooked early on, Stranger Things quickly became tedious. The ending was pretty expected and cheeseball. I didn’t like it and let me tell you, I’ve drank a bunch of Tequila.
So, the show starts out strong. Credit given. Four kids quickly become three and they ride around on bicycles being Dungeons and Dragons kids. Someone once told me “Don’t write kids, unless you’re talking about goats.” Well, guess what? I might be talking about goats here. You never know. So one of the four goats gets kidnapped by evil monster dimension. Continue reading Stranger Things got boring for me.
The movie Suicide Squad should have been something of a wonder. It should have been dark, possibly rated R or at least a DEEP PG-13, with twisted elements, a different tone and risks. Lots of risks.
Instead, it’s a shitty Guardians of the Galaxy rip-off. Continue reading Suicide Squad – A title containing what I’d rather do than watch this again
The Paul Feig 2016 Ghostbusters is so bad, you’d need to watch it four times to get your money’s worth.
Most of the jokes fall flat. Most of the characters suck. Most of the special effects also suck, with a few exceptions. The script was dismal. Who thought this was a good idea? I know who didn’t, ever: me.
Now, out of the amazing list of problems I have with this movie, not one of them involves the cast being all female. I want to point something out though: that was not an original or good idea. The pure-opposite genders across the board make it feel like someone pitched the entire concept in a sentence and didn’t go further. “ALL GIRL GHOSTBUSTERS.” And that’s fine, but why not make it a female-lead Ghostbusters with one or two men on the team, incidental, so it doesn’t feel like what this movie is: a pathetic attack on the male sex.
Allow me to explain… Continue reading Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.
Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?
However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.
We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable
Star Trek Into Darkness was horrible. This movie opens with Spock and Kirk violating the prime directive to save and indigenous species while worried about violating the prime directive by revealing themselves to the indigenous species.
Since the characters suck, Uhura kisses Spock and makes sure we know she loves him before he heads down to the planet. Continue reading Star Trek Into Darkness was bad and you know it
Want to see a bunch of superheros fight in a manufactured way? Get ready because The Avengers: Civil War is the newest Marvel movie to cash in, I mean, milk the franchise, I mean, to make your dreams come true.
I went into Hardcore Henry hoping for something unique and different and exciting but all I got was motion sickness and a headache.
I decided to lose $20 instantly so I could be entertained for about 20 hours and I would suggest that is a decent value in 2016. Rebel Galaxy is a game where you play as a nameless nephew of some aunt that gets annoying and you run around this small section of the galaxy shooting people Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag style, only in a spaceship.
Wrestlemania 32 wasn’t worth a shit. I almost went to it but I’m glad I didn’t. I’ll tell you why or you can fuck yourself.
Kalisto (champion) vs. Ryback, United States championship
Boring match you could have seen on an episode of Superstars. It seems like I saw some botches but I can’t recall. I’m used to seeing them in a Ryback match. Kalisto won like he wouldn’t
I told you Batman v. Superman would suck and it did. The movie not only sucked from a story perspective but was actually terrible from a cinematography perspective. It lacked cohesiveness in the story and had two of the worst villains in movie history.
Even though Crazy Market for the Vita is free, it’s still a rip-off. It rips you off by lessening your trophy completion, because no one in their right mind will ever want to play this more than once. It sucks. I’ll tell you why for a second and then I’m going to go shit.
Star Wars The Force Awakens fucking completely sucked. It wasn’t as awful as the prequels, which George Lucas should have been ran over…over….but the movie blew. However, you know me, your trustworthy Critic, and I will give you a spoiler-free review. Just click read more.
Ronda Rousey just got knocked the fuck out! Finally!!! I’m thrilled. Why?
Ronda Rousey is pure trash.
For starters, her fucking ego was off of the charts and out of the Universe. She thought she was the shit. People talked about how she would kick a man’s ass. Yeah, if he didn’t fight back or was untrained. Girls can’t beat guys up. We’re stronger. Why be fucking dumb about it? I dated a chick who said she could beat me up once and so we had a match. She was an Army Staff Sgt. and I told her I would wrestle ONLY. No striking. She could do anything, including illegal moves in contested bouts. I won in 4 seconds. Why? I didn’t let her win because i wanted her to be aware of what a dangerous person was also going to do – not let her win. It’s great to see women being powerful but you still need to be aware of your own capabilities for survivals sake. Anyway, I smelled pussy in the house for a week after that.