Category Archives: Feature Films

Cleveland Abduction is too disturbing for me.

Cleveland Abuction Movie Poster

Cleveland Abduction is about Ariel Castro the real winner who abducted and held women for years.

We get to know the victim. She’s got a shitty loser for a mother with no responsibility. Thanks to that hag, she has to walk to a child services meeting. She’s probably too stupid to blame herself, though.

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Straight Outta Compton is straight fucking awesome.

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Straight Outta Compton is a movie about a bunch of black people. Actually it’s about the origin story of a group you may have heard of: RUN DMC.

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Pixels sucks and I’m convinced Adam Sandler can’t make a good movie

False advertising. Pac-Man Jones isn't even that big in the movie
False advertising. Pac-Man Jones isn’t even that big in the movie

Pixels sucks, sorry folks. I wrote this line after the first line by the kid in the movie which sounded single take without rehearsal.

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The Terminator (1st one) was good but overrated as fuck

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Terminator was a James Cameron movie from the 80s with a budget that was nothing. One of the first large future robots has a police beacon on top of it! Pull over to the side of the road and prepare to be terminated!

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Review: Damien – Omen 2

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Damien: Omen 2 is a movie about some mythological tribal religion that somehow became world-wide. Santa is going nuts because Omen kid is back. Damien Thorne the antiChrist is alarming his old crazy ass. They die.

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Review: The Omen (1976)

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The Omen sucked. It is about a fictional character, Satan, taking control of a young boy and becoming THE antiChrist and having super powers. It’s directed by Richard Donner. Gregory Peck is in it, which was a name that probably bothered some older Christians because it sounded like pecker and they can’t stop thinking of sex. An omen occurs at the beginning of this review, as my stomach rumbles, indicating that my large intestine will need to be emptied before this review is over.

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Review: After Earth

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Watching this movie is a choice (a bad one)

After Earth should have been called blow my fucking brains out before you let me watch this movie again. It stars L. Ron Hubbard cult follower Will Smith as a cripple with a boring son who can’t act. M. Night Shyamalan directs it and needs to be canned.

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Review: Would You Rather

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Would You Rather is a strange movie that falls under the horror genre, I suppose. It is about a group of people who get together and play a no questions asked game, without being told the rules ahead of time and in a clear fashion.

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Review: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

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Star Trek 2, the Wrath of Khan was fucking awesome. I love this movie. It isn’t perfect – but for Star Trek, this was it. The epitome. The apex. The climax. The cum shot. Let’s talk about why in the most foul fashion I can muster.

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Review: Star Trek: Generations

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Star Trek: Generations is absolute shit. It is the first Next Generation movie, the first sequel not to include the number in it (7) and just a train fucking wreck.

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Review: The Dentist

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The Dentist is one of those movies that used to come on every night in the 90s on HBO or Cinemax. I guess it had low costs to air but it inadvertently became legendary. It was sort of a gentle horror movie that I, as a child, loved.

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Review: Twister

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As a kid, I loved Twister because I grew up in Tornado Alley, a portion of the mid-western United States that a lot of fucking tornados happen in. If you really didn’t know that, you’re either dumb or not from America and then it’s cool because why would you know that! Twister captured that with some, at the time, revolutionary special effects. It also had some revolutionary stupid shit.

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Review: The Lazarus Effect

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Lazarus Project is a dumb film about people who haven’t ever attended a science class in their life trying to bring people back to life with shit. The scientist Zoe – unlike the 93% in the National Academy of Science – believes in God and not only that, but is a Christian. We can tell it’ll be THAT type of movie.

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Review: Chappie

The poster couldn't less accurately reflect what the story is about. Has nothing to do with saving the world.
The poster couldn’t less accurately reflect what the story is about. Has nothing to do with saving the world.

Chappie is very unusual movie, not like any I can recall seeing. It is about a robot that becomes self-aware and, like a child, has to grow up and learn. However, it is set in South Africa, which has really bad crime in this movie.

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Review: Star Trek V – The Final Frontier

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I have the biggest craving for olives ever right now but I don’t have any. So I’ll review Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. This was the first Star Trek directed by William Shitner. See, Leonard Nimoy (Spock) actually had directed Star Trek 3 and Star Trek 4. 3 was OK but 4 was bad ass! So Shitner was like “Oh Pricelines I want to do one wah Rescue 911” and they let him.

Folks, this movie was shit.

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