I went into Hardcore Henry hoping for something unique and different and exciting but all I got was motion sickness and a headache.
I went into Hardcore Henry hoping for something unique and different and exciting but all I got was motion sickness and a headache.
I decided to lose $20 instantly so I could be entertained for about 20 hours and I would suggest that is a decent value in 2016. Rebel Galaxy is a game where you play as a nameless nephew of some aunt that gets annoying and you run around this small section of the galaxy shooting people Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag style, only in a spaceship.
Wrestlemania 32 wasn’t worth a shit. I almost went to it but I’m glad I didn’t. I’ll tell you why or you can fuck yourself.
Kalisto (champion) vs. Ryback, United States championship
Boring match you could have seen on an episode of Superstars. It seems like I saw some botches but I can’t recall. I’m used to seeing them in a Ryback match. Kalisto won like he wouldn’t
I told you Batman v. Superman would suck and it did. The movie not only sucked from a story perspective but was actually terrible from a cinematography perspective. It lacked cohesiveness in the story and had two of the worst villains in movie history.
Even though Crazy Market for the Vita is free, it’s still a rip-off. It rips you off by lessening your trophy completion, because no one in their right mind will ever want to play this more than once. It sucks. I’ll tell you why for a second and then I’m going to go shit.
Star Wars The Force Awakens fucking completely sucked. It wasn’t as awful as the prequels, which George Lucas should have been ran over…over….but the movie blew. However, you know me, your trustworthy Critic, and I will give you a spoiler-free review. Just click read more.
Ronda Rousey just got knocked the fuck out! Finally!!! I’m thrilled. Why?
Ronda Rousey is pure trash.
For starters, her fucking ego was off of the charts and out of the Universe. She thought she was the shit. People talked about how she would kick a man’s ass. Yeah, if he didn’t fight back or was untrained. Girls can’t beat guys up. We’re stronger. Why be fucking dumb about it? I dated a chick who said she could beat me up once and so we had a match. She was an Army Staff Sgt. and I told her I would wrestle ONLY. No striking. She could do anything, including illegal moves in contested bouts. I won in 4 seconds. Why? I didn’t let her win because i wanted her to be aware of what a dangerous person was also going to do – not let her win. It’s great to see women being powerful but you still need to be aware of your own capabilities for survivals sake. Anyway, I smelled pussy in the house for a week after that.
The 1997 King of the Ring was built around one match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels. The WWF title match was almost an afterthought. So, of course, it would suck!
Vince McMahon and Jim Ross are on commentary, and Vince motions for the camera man to look at all of the international tables but he doesn’t – so Vince stands up and walks him there! Carlos Cabrera is highly amused by the excited chairman! Vince informs us that it’s time for Ahmed “Get In Your Face” Johnson is on his way out, COVERED IN BABY OIL. Ahmed faces the MAN. I’m talking about the guy that runs the joint, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. He’s also coming out to Beethoven’s 5th, I believe, now. JR tells us Ahmed Johnson is a member of the Bloods! That’s a new tidbit for me, and a lot edgier than just a few months back. As I mentioned in the last In Your House, a change was noticeably in the air. Ahmed military presses HHH, and asks “How do you like that shit?” Well, Ahmed, I like it. He seems a little angry, which I always look for from the loser. Some of these grits think it’s real. Triple H gets a quick Pedigree in and wins!
I decided a while back that I should review events I was actually at. This is the beginning of that series. The most prominent event I attended was a little thing you may have heard of. I don’t know. May have heard of it…
I not only was there, but I was front row. $8,200 for two tickets. Seated next to Los Lonely Boys (guests of Stone Cold). I’ll add this unique perspective throughout the event.
Out of the gate, the theme song is very early 2000 – screaming, murder vocals. The show opens with Harlem Boys Choir singing Flag America 9/11 Patriotism or some song. We were all into it back then and of course, we visited Ground Zero. It was boring. At the end of the boring kids’ song, we see a different Freedom Tower. By the way, if you want to see me, there’s a big red head guy front row and I’m the guy next to him. We were huge.
If you look back at the first episode of Raw, it is a different time for sure. However, it also has enough fuck ups in it to be hard to watch without a groan factory in your living room.
The very first episode of Monday Night Raw opens with Sean Mooney outside of the Manhattan Center. Bobby Heenan runs up and is like hey who are you I need to get in. Mooney is like no. Rob Bartlett replaced you.
Rob. Fucking. Bartlett.
Happy Mother’s Day and welcome to IYH A Cold Day in HELL. The house set is back but with a noticeable change – a video wall now occupied the giant window section. Also, the fireworks we begin the show with seem like an amateur set them. Tito Santana is on Spanish commentary!!
Flash Funk opens the show. This gimmick was torturous from day one and that’s coming from a Doink the Clown fan when Vince pushed him. Flash faces the man who will take over WWE in the future, Triple H. He also has Chyna with him. King needs the word “dojo” explained. There appears to be an issue with the white balance on the cameras. Helmsley hits one of the craziest belly-to-back suplexes off of the top rope. He flips Funk in the air. One Pedigree later and he wins. Chyna does a little roughing up of Flash.
Decided to review Bad Blood 2003, because why not? The theme for the event was the worst song ever. Headstrong by Trapt. I knew a dude that played that around girls. Idiot. This was also at a time when Stone Cold and Eric Bischoff were co-GMs, so we see their picture randomly during the open.
The Dudley Boys open. DVon has a Gatorade style shirt on. DVon has been wondering why his white brother has been telling him to get the tables…they face Rodney Mack and Christoper Nowinski. Mack is managed by Teddy Long, who will use his theme song forever, despite Mack’s short tenure. The crowd is actually into this and chants Harvard sucks at Nowinski. I am drooling randomly. Why does Bubba grab his dick when hitting people? DVon gets hung up on the tables shit and Nowinski pins Bubba with a cheap shot!!
So we will have a redneck triathlon between Bischoff and Austin. They must do a pie eating contest. It is, however, a pussy eating contest according to Stone Cold. First tho, a burping contest. They’re just doing sound effect burps and it’s dumber than fuck. Terri Hard Nips Runnels holds the microphone. This ends up being just stupid if not gross. Burps are just mouth farts and I don’t want to hear or breathe air from your guts.
In Your House: Revenge of the Taker followed the worst performing Wrestlemania in history, 13. “WALCOME EVERYONE!” Vince screams. The trio of Vince, JR and King Jerry Lawler are on commentary.
Uggghhhhhhh WHAT A RUSH! The Legion of Doom faces Bulldog and Owen. Smith and Hart use Bret’s theme, as the Hart Foundation had just recently reformed as a heel stable. “Hey Ross, you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” King begins the night with. LOD win the belts by pinning the wrong man. The decision gets reversed and the match continues. The commentators missed every second of it while arguing. Vince pretty much says it twice. He calls for the replay three times. The LOD hits the Doomsday Device on Owen and Bret Hart is late running out. The referee has to stall and finally counts so Bret can cause the DQ. When the finish gets botched, it’s a big deal. This show will see even more of this tonight.
We see Sunny and Brian Pillman basically fucking on the Superstar line. I’m sure they really did hook up, considering Sunny will finger-fuck herself on Skype for a $20 in 2015. Sick of Sunny jokes yet? I’m not!
Greetings and salutations, fuckers. Once again, I am here to play devil’s advocate…fuck it, I’m playing the devil himself. Metal Gear Solid V is a bad ass game, there is no question about it. However, to see people have such low standards as to rate it a 10/10 is just tiresome. When will that shit stop? When will people stop that? I guess when you give shitty games 8/10, and a decent one comes out, you have to do something to make it stand out but this tactic is both dishonest and inconsiderate. This game is a 9/10, at the MOST. Here are my complaints, which are more than enough to qualify for a game to be considered FAR from perfect.
Buttons don’t work sometimes and it ignores presses or won’t show the prompt you need.
The horse fucking sucks and gets stuck or stopped by everything. Gun for 360 had a better horse. I hate this horse. I named mine Glue.
Long distances don’t like to render and it looks like shit.
In Your House: Final Four was the road to Wrestlemania 13 and was an effort to get the product moving in a firm direction, thanks to the fickleness of HBK “losing his smile.” At least he found his cunt.
The show opens with a shitty pyramid logo and football music. Someone runs into the camera while JR and King are speaking. King points at them! No Vince on commentary tonight. We are in Chattanooga, TN for this event.
We begin with Wildman Marc Mero against Leif Cassidy. Mero seems more aggressive than recently. Sable has glasses on, like the time they were going with a domestic abuse storyline for a week before dropping it. Mero wins with his shooting star press, called “The Wild Thing.” King says his motto is “Never hit a woman with glasses. Always use your fist.” He placed third for mayor in Memphis after this, FYI.
I hate George Clooney. I can’t stand him. He can’t act. He doesn’t try either.
First, Clooney isn’t good looking. I don’t know where that bullshit has come from but he’s no more special than your average guy. Cloon has sunken sleepless eyes and a smirk I want to smack.
Why is he always smirking? What’s there to smirk about motherfucker? You couldn’t play Batman right. You know, the character that stoically exists in a mask. You fucked that up Clowny.
He dated Stacy Keibler, whom everyone mentions like she’s special. She’s hot, of course, but again – a grit. She fucked David Flair and Test. She’s not my favorite Keibler, either.
Clooney is so muted and boring in his roles. He just utters the lines without any life or interest. Meh another movie, phone it in.
I’m taking a shit right now and the smell is one I associate with Clooney. I bet he takes GROSS shits. You just know they’re those nasty little clam strip turds that everyone is extra cautious not to leave behind after a flush for a future occupant to see and begin wondering who shit like that. I bet when George Clooney wipes his ass, he smells his finger. He probably sniffs his socks too. Quit doing that shit, George! It’s grody.
After wrapping up a very wild and chaotic 1996, due largely to WCW’s rise, we kick off 1997 with a stadium show – the only Royal Rumble to be held in one ever (a mistake, because it’s the easiest show to book right and the hardest to book wrong, which WWE has done three years in a row to date). Shawn Michaels headlines the 1997 Royal Rumble, sponsored by Starburst Fruit Twists, which were awful. Tasted like wax.
Out of the gate, the announcers microphones are fucking up. I see a man whistle super loud with just his mouth, inspiring me to try and fail for 20 seconds and then notice I am out of breath. Little did I know that it would actually be whistling, perhaps from this very man, that would greatly affect the quality of this show (at least by 2 rating points, seriously).
In Your House: It’s Time is the last pay per view of 1996. It’s presented by Milton Bradley Karate Fighters – a shit toy. Bret “Hitman” Hart faces Sid for the championship. We are in West Palm Beach, Florida. The fucking house set is back!!! Also, the trio is on commentary. JR, King and Vince. A fan behind the Spanish commentary table had a sign asking Sunny if she wants to wrestle. I know the answer in 2015.
Leif Cassidy, Al Snow, is our heel against Flash Funk, 2 Cold Scorpio. “I know thas right!” Vince says as Flash comes out. The Funkettes are with him, not to be confused with Funkadactyls. Vince is DANCING. King is about to knock someone out. Flash botches a corner move. He wins with a 450 splash in a rather good match between the two ECW stars. JR says we will see things from both of these men, especially Flash Funk. It actually was especially Al Snow. JR incorrectly calls it a “Shooting Star Press.”
Fahrenheit 9/11 is a fantastic documentary by Michael Moore about all that went down during the Bush years, up until 2004.
George W. Bush absolutely stole the 2000 election. He sucked as President until 9/11* (still sucked after that, too, but a lot liked him).
Almost all private flights out of the country were grounded on 9/11. The Bin Laden family received White House approval to fly out AFTER the attacks.
The 1996 Survivor Series was an important night in wrestling history including the Rock’s debut, a new logo and lots of fun. It’s the Survivor Series! Sponsored by Milton Bradley’s Karate Fighters. I bought them because of this. They sucked dick.
Out of the gate, the World Trade Center is heavy in the logo.The lower thirds (name graphics) all have the buildings in them. Sort of sad, looking back. Fucking religion.
The British Bulldog and Owen Hart, the tag team champions, are teamed with the Rockers to face Doug Furnas and Phillip Lafon along with the fucking hillbillies, the Godwins. My mom texts me at 5 am distracting me as Henry and Marty both get eliminated. Phineas is power slammed and eliminated by the Bulldog. Furnas about breaks his neck on a botched drop kick. Lafon eliminates Leif Cassidy with a reverse suplex that looks near fatal. Furnas hits the best drop kick I’ve seen, rivaling Bob Holly and Jim Brunzel. Furnas and Lafon beat the tag champions and the sole survivors are the debuting stars. Won’t be the only occurrence of such a debut tonight.