Review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No Spoilers)

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Star Wars The Force Awakens fucking completely sucked. It wasn’t as awful as the prequels, which George Lucas should have been ran over…over….but the movie blew. However, you know me, your trustworthy Critic, and I will give you a spoiler-free review. Just click read more.

Continue reading Review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No Spoilers)

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Ronda Rousey just got her ass kicked! YES!

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Ronda Rousey just got knocked the fuck out! Finally!!! I’m thrilled. Why?

Ronda Rousey is pure trash.

For starters, her fucking ego was off of the charts and out of the Universe. She thought she was the shit. People talked about how she would kick a man’s ass. Yeah, if he didn’t fight back or was untrained. Girls can’t beat guys up. We’re stronger. Why be fucking dumb about it? I dated a chick who said she could beat me up once and so we had a match. She was an Army Staff Sgt. and I told her I would wrestle ONLY. No striking. She could do anything, including illegal moves in contested bouts. I won in 4 seconds. Why? I didn’t let her win because i wanted her to be aware of what a dangerous person was also going to do – not let her win. It’s great to see women being powerful but you still need to be aware of your own capabilities for survivals sake. Anyway, I smelled pussy in the house for a week after that.

Continue reading Ronda Rousey just got her ass kicked! YES!

The 1997 King of the Ring was trash.

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The 1997 King of the Ring was built around one match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels. The WWF title match was almost an afterthought. So, of course, it would suck!

Vince McMahon and Jim Ross are on commentary, and Vince motions for the camera man to look at all of the international tables but he doesn’t – so Vince stands up and walks him there! Carlos Cabrera is highly amused by the excited chairman! Vince informs us that it’s time for Ahmed “Get In Your Face” Johnson is on his way out, COVERED IN BABY OIL. Ahmed faces the MAN. I’m talking about the guy that runs the joint, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. He’s also coming out to Beethoven’s 5th, I believe, now. JR tells us Ahmed Johnson is a member of the Bloods! That’s a new tidbit for me, and a lot edgier than just a few months back. As I mentioned in the last In Your House, a change was noticeably in the air. Ahmed military presses HHH, and asks “How do you like that shit?” Well, Ahmed, I like it. He seems a little angry, which I always look for from the loser. Some of these grits think it’s real. Triple H gets a quick Pedigree in and wins!

Continue reading The 1997 King of the Ring was trash.

Wrestlemania XX – My front-row perspective

WrestleManiaXX

I decided a while back that I should review events I was actually at. This is the beginning of that series. The most prominent event I attended was a little thing you may have heard of. I don’t know. May have heard of it…

WRESTLEMANIA XX.

I not only was there, but I was front row. $8,200 for two tickets. Seated next to Los Lonely Boys (guests of Stone Cold). I’ll add this unique perspective throughout the event.

Out of the gate, the theme song is very early 2000 – screaming, murder vocals. The show opens with Harlem Boys Choir singing Flag America 9/11 Patriotism or some song. We were all into it back then and of course, we visited Ground Zero. It was boring. At the end of the boring kids’ song, we see a different Freedom Tower. By the way, if you want to see me, there’s a big red head guy front row and I’m the guy next to him. We were huge.

Continue reading Wrestlemania XX – My front-row perspective

Monday Night Raw’s second episode was bad.

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The second episode of Raw was January 18, 1993 and was the lead-in to the Royal Rumble. Makes sense that they’ll BARELY mention it! The siren is going off. It’s Vince, a microphone-less Rob Bartlett and Macho Man Savage, who gets NAILED by Repo Man just as he is about to talk. It is chaos from the get-go! Then our sick ass open hits.

Terrific Terry Taylor comes out next. He has trouble getting passed the model (not Rick Martel). He will face MISTER….PERFECT. (Howard Finkel impression). Bartlett no sells the seriousness of Savage’s attack, asking him if he saw his car. (#10). A We Want Flair chant. Heenan calls in to tell “Ron Bartlett” off. A “This match sucks” chant!!! “Uh oh!” Bartlett says! (#11). Flair comes out to the crowd’s delight. Vince calls the Perfectplex “The Superplex!”

Continue reading Monday Night Raw’s second episode was bad.

The very first episode of Monday Night Raw – WOW.

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If you look back at the first episode of Raw, it is a different time for sure. However, it also has enough fuck ups in it to be hard to watch without a groan factory in your living room.

The very first episode of Monday Night Raw opens with Sean Mooney outside of the Manhattan Center. Bobby Heenan runs up and is like hey who are you I need to get in. Mooney is like no. Rob Bartlett replaced you.

Rob. Fucking. Bartlett.

Continue reading The very first episode of Monday Night Raw – WOW.

5 WWF Stars that, in their time, would have won a UFC TITLE

With the UFC only becoming a true avenue for mainstream talent recently, a lot of past tough guys in pro-wrestling almost make you think “what if” in a different universe, they had become MMA talent instead. Here is a personal list of 5 I can think of, off the top of my head, who I believe would have had great success! in the UFC.

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Kurt Angle
Anyone that is an Olympic Gold Medalist is instant contender for UFC gold. Henry Cejudo comes to mind as hopefully, the future man to dethrone Demetrious Johnson. Out wrestled Lesnar. What’s that tell you?

Continue reading 5 WWF Stars that, in their time, would have won a UFC TITLE

In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell was a step in a new direction.

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WWF used the same exact image two PPVs in a row, with this one being the second. Lazy.

Happy Mother’s Day and welcome to IYH A Cold Day in HELL. The house set is back but with a noticeable change – a video wall now occupied the giant window section. Also, the fireworks we begin the show with seem like an amateur set them. Tito Santana is on Spanish commentary!!

Flash Funk opens the show. This gimmick was torturous from day one and that’s coming from a Doink the Clown fan when Vince pushed him. Flash faces the man who will take over WWE in the future, Triple H. He also has Chyna with him. King needs the word “dojo” explained. There appears to be an issue with the white balance on the cameras. Helmsley hits one of the craziest belly-to-back suplexes off of the top rope. He flips Funk in the air. One Pedigree later and he wins. Chyna does a little roughing up of Flash.

Continue reading In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell was a step in a new direction.

Andre the Giant sucked

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Andre the Giant was the worst wrestler ever. He was also gross and from what I heard, he wasn’t very nice either. McMahon may worship him but I think he was sick.

First off, you know he couldn’t reach his butt to properly wash it. I also heard Bret Hart say someone rammed Ric Flairs head into his ass in the shower and his head came out brown. Flairs was a human Q tip, on a person who never had cleaned their ears. Ohf I want to throw up now.

Andre was a dick to fans according to a drunken Iron Sheik. He said that when Andre was a baby face, fans would ask for his autograph and he would ignore them completely or say “Get the fuck out of here.” I’d say “Listen man you might win a teeth-having contest with a barracuda but you ain’t shit to me” before throwing my drink in his face and running away, because that’s his weakness. Moving.

Continue reading Andre the Giant sucked

Bad Blood 2003 was fucking weird.

This poster helps confuse things, since Goldberg and HHH didn't begin their feud until later this year.
This poster helps confuse things, since Goldberg and HHH didn’t begin their feud until later this year.

Decided to review Bad Blood 2003, because why not? The theme for the event was the worst song ever. Headstrong by Trapt. I knew a dude that played that around girls. Idiot. This was also at a time when Stone Cold and Eric Bischoff were co-GMs, so we see their picture randomly during the open.

The Dudley Boys open. DVon has a Gatorade style shirt on. DVon has been wondering why his white brother has been telling him to get the tables…they face Rodney Mack and Christoper Nowinski. Mack is managed by Teddy Long, who will use his theme song forever, despite Mack’s short tenure. The crowd is actually into this and chants Harvard sucks at Nowinski. I am drooling randomly. Why does Bubba grab his dick when hitting people? DVon gets hung up on the tables shit and Nowinski pins Bubba with a cheap shot!!

So we will have a redneck triathlon between Bischoff and Austin. They must do a pie eating contest. It is, however, a pussy eating contest according to Stone Cold. First tho, a burping contest. They’re just doing sound effect burps and it’s dumber than fuck. Terri Hard Nips Runnels holds the microphone. This ends up being just stupid if not gross. Burps are just mouth farts and I don’t want to hear or breathe air from your guts.

Continue reading Bad Blood 2003 was fucking weird.

In Your House 14: Revenge of the Taker was a big clusterfuck.

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In Your House: Revenge of the Taker followed the worst performing Wrestlemania in history, 13. “WALCOME EVERYONE!” Vince screams. The trio of Vince, JR and King Jerry Lawler are on commentary.

Uggghhhhhhh WHAT A RUSH! The Legion of Doom faces Bulldog and Owen. Smith and Hart use Bret’s theme, as the Hart Foundation had just recently reformed as a heel stable. “Hey Ross, you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” King begins the night with. LOD win the belts by pinning the wrong man. The decision gets reversed and the match continues. The commentators missed every second of it while arguing. Vince pretty much says it twice. He calls for the replay three times. The LOD hits the Doomsday Device on Owen and Bret Hart is late running out. The referee has to stall and finally counts so Bret can cause the DQ. When the finish gets botched, it’s a big deal. This show will see even more of this tonight.

We see Sunny and Brian Pillman basically fucking on the Superstar line. I’m sure they really did hook up, considering Sunny will finger-fuck herself on Skype for a $20 in 2015. Sick of Sunny jokes yet? I’m not!

Continue reading In Your House 14: Revenge of the Taker was a big clusterfuck.

Complaints about Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.

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Greetings and salutations, fuckers. Once again, I am here to play devil’s advocate…fuck it, I’m playing the devil himself. Metal Gear Solid V is a bad ass game, there is no question about it. However, to see people have such low standards as to rate it a 10/10 is just tiresome. When will that shit stop? When will people stop that? I guess when you give shitty games 8/10, and a decent one comes out, you have to do something to make it stand out but this tactic is both dishonest and inconsiderate. This game is a 9/10, at the MOST. Here are my complaints, which are more than enough to qualify for a game to be considered FAR from perfect.


Buttons don’t work sometimes and it ignores presses or won’t show the prompt you need.

The horse fucking sucks and gets stuck or stopped by everything. Gun for 360 had a better horse. I hate this horse. I named mine Glue.

Long distances don’t like to render and it looks like shit.

Continue reading Complaints about Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.

In Your House 13: Final Four wasn’t very good.

50% of the poster didn't wrestle on the show.
50% of the poster didn’t wrestle on the show.
In Your House: Final Four was the road to Wrestlemania 13 and was an effort to get the product moving in a firm direction, thanks to the fickleness of HBK “losing his smile.” At least he found his cunt.

The show opens with a shitty pyramid logo and football music. Someone runs into the camera while JR and King are speaking. King points at them! No Vince on commentary tonight. We are in Chattanooga, TN for this event.

We begin with Wildman Marc Mero against Leif Cassidy. Mero seems more aggressive than recently. Sable has glasses on, like the time they were going with a domestic abuse storyline for a week before dropping it. Mero wins with his shooting star press, called “The Wild Thing.” King says his motto is “Never hit a woman with glasses. Always use your fist.” He placed third for mayor in Memphis after this, FYI.

Continue reading In Your House 13: Final Four wasn’t very good.

I hate George Clooney

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I hate George Clooney. I can’t stand him. He can’t act. He doesn’t try either.

First, Clooney isn’t good looking. I don’t know where that bullshit has come from but he’s no more special than your average guy. Cloon has sunken sleepless eyes and a smirk I want to smack.

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Why is he always smirking? What’s there to smirk about motherfucker? You couldn’t play Batman right. You know, the character that stoically exists in a mask. You fucked that up Clowny.

He dated Stacy Keibler, whom everyone mentions like she’s special. She’s hot, of course, but again – a grit. She fucked David Flair and Test. She’s not my favorite Keibler, either.

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Clooney is so muted and boring in his roles. He just utters the lines without any life or interest. Meh another movie, phone it in.

I’m taking a shit right now and the smell is one I associate with Clooney. I bet he takes GROSS shits. You just know they’re those nasty little clam strip turds that everyone is extra cautious not to leave behind after a flush for a future occupant to see and begin wondering who shit like that. I bet when George Clooney wipes his ass, he smells his finger. He probably sniffs his socks too. Quit doing that shit, George! It’s grody.

Royal Rumble 1997 – Someone whistled and ruined it.

"No more Mr. Never Been Nice Guy"
“No more Mr. Never Been Nice Guy”

After wrapping up a very wild and chaotic 1996, due largely to WCW’s rise, we kick off 1997 with a stadium show – the only Royal Rumble to be held in one ever (a mistake, because it’s the easiest show to book right and the hardest to book wrong, which WWE has done three years in a row to date). Shawn Michaels headlines the 1997 Royal Rumble, sponsored by Starburst Fruit Twists, which were awful. Tasted like wax.

Out of the gate, the announcers microphones are fucking up. I see a man whistle super loud with just his mouth, inspiring me to try and fail for 20 seconds and then notice I am out of breath. Little did I know that it would actually be whistling, perhaps from this very man, that would greatly affect the quality of this show (at least by 2 rating points, seriously).

Continue reading Royal Rumble 1997 – Someone whistled and ruined it.

In Your House 12: It’s Time made me laugh.

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In Your House: It’s Time is the last pay per view of 1996. It’s presented by Milton Bradley Karate Fighters – a shit toy. Bret “Hitman” Hart faces Sid for the championship. We are in West Palm Beach, Florida. The fucking house set is back!!! Also, the trio is on commentary. JR, King and Vince. A fan behind the Spanish commentary table had a sign asking Sunny if she wants to wrestle. I know the answer in 2015.

Leif Cassidy, Al Snow, is our heel against Flash Funk, 2 Cold Scorpio. “I know thas right!” Vince says as Flash comes out. The Funkettes are with him, not to be confused with Funkadactyls. Vince is DANCING. King is about to knock someone out. Flash botches a corner move. He wins with a 450 splash in a rather good match between the two ECW stars. JR says we will see things from both of these men, especially Flash Funk. It actually was especially Al Snow. JR incorrectly calls it a “Shooting Star Press.”

Continue reading In Your House 12: It’s Time made me laugh.

Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.

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Fahrenheit 9/11 is a fantastic documentary by Michael Moore about all that went down during the Bush years, up until 2004.

George W. Bush absolutely stole the 2000 election. He sucked as President until 9/11* (still sucked after that, too, but a lot liked him).

Almost all private flights out of the country were grounded on 9/11. The Bin Laden family received White House approval to fly out AFTER the attacks.

Continue reading Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.

Survivor Series 1996 was a night full of firsts. And shit.

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Shawn is sneering again. Bret is just like “Hey, sme”

The 1996 Survivor Series was an important night in wrestling history including the Rock’s debut, a new logo and lots of fun. It’s the Survivor Series! Sponsored by Milton Bradley’s Karate Fighters. I bought them because of this. They sucked dick.

Out of the gate, the World Trade Center is heavy in the logo.The lower thirds (name graphics) all have the buildings in them. Sort of sad, looking back. Fucking religion.

The British Bulldog and Owen Hart, the tag team champions, are teamed with the Rockers to face Doug Furnas and Phillip Lafon along with the fucking hillbillies, the Godwins. My mom texts me at 5 am distracting me as Henry and Marty both get eliminated. Phineas is power slammed and eliminated by the Bulldog. Furnas about breaks his neck on a botched drop kick. Lafon eliminates Leif Cassidy with a reverse suplex that looks near fatal. Furnas hits the best drop kick I’ve seen, rivaling Bob Holly and Jim Brunzel. Furnas and Lafon beat the tag champions and the sole survivors are the debuting stars. Won’t be the only occurrence of such a debut tonight.

Continue reading Survivor Series 1996 was a night full of firsts. And shit.

In Your House 11: Buried Alive stunk

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Two In Your House PPVs back to back a month apart could be a hard sell. What could be a selling point? How about a BURIED ALIVE match!!?

PlayStation presented In Your House: Buried Alive. The Market Square Arena in Indiana hosts the event! And finally, FINALLY The HOUSE set is gone! It’s a mock-graveyard entrance. Thematic. King is back on commentary, too! With Vince and JR, who is upset because he doesn’t have a microphone.

Savio Vega was scheduled to face Stone Cold, continuing Vega’s trend of opening shows…but he is injured. HHH faces Stone Cold Steve Austin. JR’s mic keeps cutting out. It’s a rib by Vince. For some reason, both Austin and HHH get in the face of some fat Hoosier. It seems like they’re just doing a strange dance. They don’t do any moves and fuck around! Vince calls them both future WWF champions. The match ends up being more about Vince and JR arguing! JR says Helmsley needs a haircut.

Continue reading In Your House 11: Buried Alive stunk

In Your House 10: Mind Games was a show to see.

Shawn was always sneering at something in posters.
Shawn was always sneering at something in posters.

In Your House: Mind Games is our next show and the tenth In Your House to be done! Yes, the house set is STILL used.

We begin with the Free For All! I know plenty of people have been saying listen, Savio Vega had been opening too many events. I agree! Marty Jannetty is in the ring to face an opponent…Savio Vega, dammit! At least he’s not opening the PPV itself. Bradshaw appears and is mad that an immigrant is wrestling. We hear an ECW chant. Vince mentions that some “local promotion” was there, and he’s glad they bought tickets. I can see the Sandman, smoking. Ha. Savio counters a cross body and wins. He gets attacked by Bradshaw. Uncle Zebekiah (Coulter) shows up too.

Continue reading In Your House 10: Mind Games was a show to see.

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