I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields. Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!
Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?
However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.
We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable
The last shitty Omen movie (for now) is The Final Conflict. Basically, it’s all the made up shit coming to fruition. Sam Neill plays Damien.
We hear about the ice age, 50,000 years ago, which must be fictional for this story to be true since the Bible requires the age of the earth to be 6,000 years old.
Continue reading The Omen: Final Conflict sucked.
I don’t know how Jurassic World has become one of the top grossing films ever, considering how it sucks ass.
Continue reading Jurassic World blew.
Damien: Omen 2 is a movie about some mythological tribal religion that somehow became world-wide. Santa is going nuts because Omen kid is back. Damien Thorne the antiChrist is alarming his old crazy ass. They die.
Continue reading Review: Damien – Omen 2
I never liked this junk show. Someone bumps into an extra on accident. Screech falls and it’s morbidly fake. Everyone appears out of no where like they’re out of the lockers on you can’t do that on television. The laugh track is used too much (once).
Continue reading Saved By the Bell – Episode 1 – Summer Love
WCW Uncensored PPVs have a history of sucking. How will this one stack up? The third annual event from Charleston, SC couldn’t be worse than the others or the first two shows of the year…right?
Continue reading WCW Uncensored 1997 was junk.
Lazarus Project is a dumb film about people who haven’t ever attended a science class in their life trying to bring people back to life with shit. The scientist Zoe – unlike the 93% in the National Academy of Science – believes in God and not only that, but is a Christian. We can tell it’ll be THAT type of movie.
Continue reading Review: The Lazarus Effect
I have the biggest craving for olives ever right now but I don’t have any. So I’ll review Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. This was the first Star Trek directed by William Shitner. See, Leonard Nimoy (Spock) actually had directed Star Trek 3 and Star Trek 4. 3 was OK but 4 was bad ass! So Shitner was like “Oh Pricelines I want to do one wah Rescue 911” and they let him.
Folks, this movie was shit.
Continue reading Review: Star Trek V – The Final Frontier
The ABCs of Death 2 is an awful horror film. The first one was unusually charming while still sucking. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it (2%). This one just sucks. It isn’t even worth watching.
Continue reading Review: The ABCs of Death 2
50 Shades of Grey is about a billionaire who is a weirdo that is into S&M. He’s mentally fucked up. The movie sucks.
Continue reading Review: 50 Shades of Grey
Get ready for the WWE to do another low-quality product tie-in! And with The Flintstones, no less. A cartoon I haven’t even heard of in 20 years. Despite that, the idea has potential – and immediately loses all of it as soon as you start watching it.
Continue reading Review: The Flintstones & WWE: Stone Age Smackdown!
Into the Storm is one of the stupidest movies I’ve seen in a long time. I don’t know what I really expected but I can tell you for a fact that this movie fell short of those undefined expectations.
Continue reading Review: Into the Storm