I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields. Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!
Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?
However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.
We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable
Zeitgeist isn’t a movie and it isn’t all good, either. It brings up some great points and will keep you asking questions, which is a good thing, but it’s all over the goddamn place.
First, it pretty much lets you in on the secret that Christianity is a lie, a myth and has zero reality to it. I’ll give it good marks here.
Continue reading Zeitgeist: The Movie is half good, half stupid and all boring.
The last shitty Omen movie (for now) is The Final Conflict. Basically, it’s all the made up shit coming to fruition. Sam Neill plays Damien.
We hear about the ice age, 50,000 years ago, which must be fictional for this story to be true since the Bible requires the age of the earth to be 6,000 years old.
Continue reading The Omen: Final Conflict sucked.
As a kid, I loved Twister because I grew up in Tornado Alley, a portion of the mid-western United States that a lot of fucking tornados happen in. If you really didn’t know that, you’re either dumb or not from America and then it’s cool because why would you know that! Twister captured that with some, at the time, revolutionary special effects. It also had some revolutionary stupid shit.
Continue reading Review: Twister
Fury is a World War 2 movie starring Brad Pitt. He’s all like I gotta kill Nazis cause he hates them. It’s violent and brainless. It sucks and is a stupid person’s movie.
Continue reading Review: Fury
The ABCs of Death 2 is an awful horror film. The first one was unusually charming while still sucking. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it (2%). This one just sucks. It isn’t even worth watching.
Continue reading Review: The ABCs of Death 2