In Your House: Revenge of the Taker followed the worst performing Wrestlemania in history, 13. “WALCOME EVERYONE!” Vince screams. The trio of Vince, JR and King Jerry Lawler are on commentary.
Uggghhhhhhh WHAT A RUSH! The Legion of Doom faces Bulldog and Owen. Smith and Hart use Bret’s theme, as the Hart Foundation had just recently reformed as a heel stable. “Hey Ross, you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” King begins the night with. LOD win the belts by pinning the wrong man. The decision gets reversed and the match continues. The commentators missed every second of it while arguing. Vince pretty much says it twice. He calls for the replay three times. The LOD hits the Doomsday Device on Owen and Bret Hart is late running out. The referee has to stall and finally counts so Bret can cause the DQ. When the finish gets botched, it’s a big deal. This show will see even more of this tonight.
We see Sunny and Brian Pillman basically fucking on the Superstar line. I’m sure they really did hook up, considering Sunny will finger-fuck herself on Skype for a $20 in 2015. Sick of Sunny jokes yet? I’m not!
After wrapping up a very wild and chaotic 1996, due largely to WCW’s rise, we kick off 1997 with a stadium show – the only Royal Rumble to be held in one ever (a mistake, because it’s the easiest show to book right and the hardest to book wrong, which WWE has done three years in a row to date). Shawn Michaels headlines the 1997 Royal Rumble, sponsored by Starburst Fruit Twists, which were awful. Tasted like wax.
Out of the gate, the announcers microphones are fucking up. I see a man whistle super loud with just his mouth, inspiring me to try and fail for 20 seconds and then notice I am out of breath. Little did I know that it would actually be whistling, perhaps from this very man, that would greatly affect the quality of this show (at least by 2 rating points, seriously).
In Your House Beware of Dog is two shows. Beware of Dog and Beware of Dog 2, which had to take place after the lights went out and the show went off the air due to weather! Oops!
It actually begins with the Free for All. Phineas has signed a receipt lol that says Sunny is their comanager. He has duck tape on his wrists…. The Godwins face the Smoking Guns. So uninteresting! These two tag-teams had so little appeal around this time and you could tell no one gave a fuck. The crowd is half empty. Vince mentions a traffic jam. Yeah and a booking jam. During the match, King acts like Sable – appearing later – is ghastly. Smoking Guns win the tag titles after Billy Gunn kisses Sunny, which distracts PIG. Billy Gunn does a post-interview that is about a 1/10 and he says “Hey” like 14 times.
In Your House 3 is from Saginaw, Michigan. We are guaranteed to gave a title-change in our main-event, a Triple Header match…right? No. We will get fucked. Vince McMahon will actually totally take a dump on the finish the next night on Raw.
We begin with Waylon Mercy vs Savio Vega. I guess Mercy is a country psychopath. He squishes worms and that’d probably not fly in 2015. Interestingly, the character didn’t go far and I never knew why. As a kid, I just assumed Mercy went insane. Doc Hendrix interrupt us to tell us that Owen Hart isn’t here here yet and the main event could be in jeopardy. King HATES Vega’s hair and suspects it may have been cut in a pet shop. Vega wins, giving Mercy his first defeat, with a spinning heel kick.
A backstage interview where Monsoon says the fans won’t get ripped off. Yeah right.