The last shitty Omen movie (for now) is The Final Conflict. Basically, it’s all the made up shit coming to fruition. Sam Neill plays Damien.
We hear about the ice age, 50,000 years ago, which must be fictional for this story to be true since the Bible requires the age of the earth to be 6,000 years old.
Continue reading The Omen: Final Conflict sucked.
Fantastic Four sucked. It wasn’t as bad as the old ones, but it was only about 1% better. The whole fucking movie is their origin story (and it is just as boring as you thought).
Continue reading The new Fantastic Four movie is shit.
Damien: Omen 2 is a movie about some mythological tribal religion that somehow became world-wide. Santa is going nuts because Omen kid is back. Damien Thorne the antiChrist is alarming his old crazy ass. They die.
Continue reading Review: Damien – Omen 2
Lazarus Project is a dumb film about people who haven’t ever attended a science class in their life trying to bring people back to life with shit. The scientist Zoe – unlike the 93% in the National Academy of Science – believes in God and not only that, but is a Christian. We can tell it’ll be THAT type of movie.
Continue reading Review: The Lazarus Effect
I have the biggest craving for olives ever right now but I don’t have any. So I’ll review Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. This was the first Star Trek directed by William Shitner. See, Leonard Nimoy (Spock) actually had directed Star Trek 3 and Star Trek 4. 3 was OK but 4 was bad ass! So Shitner was like “Oh Pricelines I want to do one wah Rescue 911” and they let him.
Folks, this movie was shit.
Continue reading Review: Star Trek V – The Final Frontier
San Andreas has nothing to do with Grand Theft Auto. It’s an unrealistic movie starring The Rock as the most bad ass helicopter pilot alive.
Continue reading Review: San Andreas
Fury is a World War 2 movie starring Brad Pitt. He’s all like I gotta kill Nazis cause he hates them. It’s violent and brainless. It sucks and is a stupid person’s movie.
Continue reading Review: Fury
The Firm is what I get in the morning 4/5 days upon waking up. It is also a movie starring Tom Cruise as a 5 foot tall lawyer. The opening credits include around 1300 names. I couldn’t believe how long it went. I cursed the Christian god over it.
Continue reading Review: The Firm
Back to the Future 2 is a milking of the money tree, make no mistake. The opening is different, Marty’s girlfriend is noticeably different. Marty’s dad is less noticeably different. Just a mess.
Continue reading Review: Back to the Future part 2
We open to the clicking and ticking of a billion clocks. We see a house with shitty inventions that don’t work. The toast is burnt and dog food slops on the floor, making me sick. The place looks like a hoarder’s house. The home of Doctor Emmett L Brown.
Continue reading Review: Back to the Future
50 Shades of Grey is about a billionaire who is a weirdo that is into S&M. He’s mentally fucked up. The movie sucks.
Continue reading Review: 50 Shades of Grey