Andre the Giant was the worst wrestler ever. He was also gross and from what I heard, he wasn’t very nice either. McMahon may worship him but I think he was sick.
First off, you know he couldn’t reach his butt to properly wash it. I also heard Bret Hart say someone rammed Ric Flairs head into his ass in the shower and his head came out brown. Flairs was a human Q tip, on a person who never had cleaned their ears. Ohf I want to throw up now.
Andre was a dick to fans according to a drunken Iron Sheik. He said that when Andre was a baby face, fans would ask for his autograph and he would ignore them completely or say “Get the fuck out of here.” I’d say “Listen man you might win a teeth-having contest with a barracuda but you ain’t shit to me” before throwing my drink in his face and running away, because that’s his weakness. Moving.
In Your House: Revenge of the Taker followed the worst performing Wrestlemania in history, 13. “WALCOME EVERYONE!” Vince screams. The trio of Vince, JR and King Jerry Lawler are on commentary.
Uggghhhhhhh WHAT A RUSH! The Legion of Doom faces Bulldog and Owen. Smith and Hart use Bret’s theme, as the Hart Foundation had just recently reformed as a heel stable. “Hey Ross, you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” King begins the night with. LOD win the belts by pinning the wrong man. The decision gets reversed and the match continues. The commentators missed every second of it while arguing. Vince pretty much says it twice. He calls for the replay three times. The LOD hits the Doomsday Device on Owen and Bret Hart is late running out. The referee has to stall and finally counts so Bret can cause the DQ. When the finish gets botched, it’s a big deal. This show will see even more of this tonight.
We see Sunny and Brian Pillman basically fucking on the Superstar line. I’m sure they really did hook up, considering Sunny will finger-fuck herself on Skype for a $20 in 2015. Sick of Sunny jokes yet? I’m not!
After wrapping up a very wild and chaotic 1996, due largely to WCW’s rise, we kick off 1997 with a stadium show – the only Royal Rumble to be held in one ever (a mistake, because it’s the easiest show to book right and the hardest to book wrong, which WWE has done three years in a row to date). Shawn Michaels headlines the 1997 Royal Rumble, sponsored by Starburst Fruit Twists, which were awful. Tasted like wax.
Out of the gate, the announcers microphones are fucking up. I see a man whistle super loud with just his mouth, inspiring me to try and fail for 20 seconds and then notice I am out of breath. Little did I know that it would actually be whistling, perhaps from this very man, that would greatly affect the quality of this show (at least by 2 rating points, seriously).
In Your House: It’s Time is the last pay per view of 1996. It’s presented by Milton Bradley Karate Fighters – a shit toy. Bret “Hitman” Hart faces Sid for the championship. We are in West Palm Beach, Florida. The fucking house set is back!!! Also, the trio is on commentary. JR, King and Vince. A fan behind the Spanish commentary table had a sign asking Sunny if she wants to wrestle. I know the answer in 2015.
Leif Cassidy, Al Snow, is our heel against Flash Funk, 2 Cold Scorpio. “I know thas right!”Vince says as Flash comes out. The Funkettes are with him, not to be confused with Funkadactyls. Vince is DANCING. King is about to knock someone out. Flash botches a corner move. He wins with a 450 splash in a rather good match between the two ECW stars. JR says we will see things from both of these men, especially Flash Funk. It actually was especially Al Snow. JR incorrectly calls it a “Shooting Star Press.”
Two In Your House PPVs back to back a month apart could be a hard sell. What could be a selling point? How about a BURIED ALIVE match!!?
PlayStation presented In Your House: Buried Alive. The Market Square Arena in Indiana hosts the event! And finally, FINALLY The HOUSE set is gone! It’s a mock-graveyard entrance. Thematic. King is back on commentary, too! With Vince and JR, who is upset because he doesn’t have a microphone.
Savio Vega was scheduled to face Stone Cold, continuing Vega’s trend of opening shows…but he is injured. HHH faces Stone Cold Steve Austin. JR’s mic keeps cutting out. It’s a rib by Vince. For some reason, both Austin and HHH get in the face of some fat Hoosier. It seems like they’re just doing a strange dance. They don’t do any moves and fuck around! Vince calls them both future WWF champions. The match ends up being more about Vince and JR arguing! JR says Helmsley needs a haircut.
In Your House: Mind Games is our next show and the tenth In Your House to be done! Yes, the house set is STILL used.
We begin with the Free For All! I know plenty of people have been saying listen, Savio Vega had been opening too many events. I agree! Marty Jannetty is in the ring to face an opponent…Savio Vega, dammit! At least he’s not opening the PPV itself. Bradshaw appears and is mad that an immigrant is wrestling. We hear an ECW chant. Vince mentions that some “local promotion” was there, and he’s glad they bought tickets. I can see the Sandman, smoking. Ha. Savio counters a cross body and wins. He gets attacked by Bradshaw. Uncle Zebekiah (Coulter) shows up too.
Summerslam 1996 is brought to you by Stridex, which I bought just because it sponsored this. I had the cleanest face ever/driest skin ever. It wasn’t worth a fuck. Still isn’t.
This show ended up being an improvement over the previous few years, by a sliver. It had lots of ignorance, though…
If you’re sick of seeing Savio Vega over the last few shows in the opening match, there is good news. Savio Vega will open the show, against Owen Hart. Owen is doing the Bob Orton gimmick with a cast on his arm. An Owen chant actually breaks out. We get a solid match. Owen hits him with the cast and the ref somehow blatantly doesn’t see it. He wins with a Sharpshooter, the move he taught Bret. Clarence Mason, doing a poor Johnny Cochran, celebrates with him. Bradshaw hits Savio because he’s Conservative and they do not like Spanish speakers.
Royal Rumble 1991 is one of my all time favorites. That doesn’t mean I can’t find a lot wrong with it though, stupid.
We are live from the Miami Arena in Miami, Florida. First, we sing America the beautiful. This helps set the patriotism theme for our USA vs Iraq main event. We see a kid with a wart on his finger. Gross. I wouldn’t hang out with kids with warts. You need to have standards.
King of the Ring 1996 was an interesting time for WWE. Bret Hart was on hiatus for the first time in a decade and Stone Cold was about to step up and break through his glass ceiling. The Ultimate Warrior was being briefly featured, although he would soon depart too for a final time before he would return when Vince killed him.
Speaking of people Vince killed, Owen Hart opens the show entering to the ring to join the commentary team, in King Jerry Lawler’s absence. Lawler will be facing the Ultimate Warrior tonight!
Lord Alfred Hayes had a huge cock. That’s what I heard anyway. He was also bad ass.
For more information on Coliseum Video releases, write to: Coliseum Video. Post Office Box 1311. Fairfield, NJ. 07…ah double 07.
….yes, his voice was magic for several generations. Judo Alfred Hayes was supposed to be a tough man but I only knew him as a WWF sidekick, either on commentary or during a TV show, like Tuesday Night Titans.
In Your House 4: Great White North emanates from Canada. We open to an “up and coming artist” that the ring announcer informs is “Toni Wilson.” I think she botches the first line of the Canadian National Anthem, which most WWF fans at the time likely booed at home, but I don’t know.
Raw is back with actual wrestlers we want to see! Austin, HBK and Tyson. I hate the effect where they cut back and forth between DX walking out and their titantron. Makes me sick. WWF has a hand drawn logo at the entrance. HBK calls out Iron Mike Tyson. The glass breaks. Rattlesnake is out. Then Kane comes out and says he will kill Stone Cold tonight. Austin says JR makes him sick!! Me too. He says he will kill Kane back. Tyson arrives.
We open with Piper escaping from a jail cell – with a spotlight actually on him in the jail. He takes off running like you might expect someone who had hip surgery to run. He’s in his kilt. This is how we open the show just after Souled Out, maybe the worst WCW show up until then. Oh boy.
I can remember the hype behind the first nWo PPV back during 1997. It was when WCW was on top of the Monday Night Wars, an over-used phrase by WWE to market shit. But the nWo was huge – big enough to have it’s own pay-per view. How did that go over? Like a turd in the punch bowl.
I just canceled my WWE Network subscription that I had since launch. I got up that morning to subscribe that it first debuted and have had it since but in recent months, having it has been mostly pointless. I am not finding any new content worth a fuck and I have already watched EVERYTHING on it. I’ll talk about why I just canceled it now.
Legends House is a reality show that features some of the greatest WWE legends ever. Hillbilly Jim, Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Roddy Piper, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jimmy Hart and alleged sexual offender, Pat Patterson.