Tag Archives: movies

The Titan is stupid people sci-fi

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I was recently finished patrolling the rooftops of my neighborhood while looking for crime and decided to watch a Netflix original. The movie is called the Titan and it stars the guy who played Falcone in Batman Begins, who has been eating a lot, as about the dumbest scientist fathomable.

The year is sometime in the future. Planet Earth has been royally fucked because we kept voting for Republicans and a nuclear war broke out. Life as we know it must be evacuated to another planet. We keep hearing this, as our main characters jog through the Hidden Valley on the ranch dressing bottles. None of the devastation has reached our main characters but it’s everywhere else I guess. Speaking of, our main characters are Terminator Salvation guy and always aghast girl. This chick is fucking always speechless about something. It’s really annoying because I’m sitting here like, “Okay, your husband is turning into Prometheus with snake hands.” but she can’t figure it out.

The premise is that since earth is shit, we have to go live somewhere. There’s a moon of Saturn called Titan which is like earth, but it has liquid methane instead of liquid water. It’s totally inhospitable to humans. But, Falcone wants to terraform HUMANS instead of the planet. That’s his sales pitch, anyway. We later learn he’s injecting people with wild animal DNA and it’s making them all pretty much deadly idiots.

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I really don’t care, do u

The problem I have with it is in this simple thought: if they are physically evolving, why would they mentally DEVOLVE and become stupid animals who throw their wife through the glass while aghast lady just stares with her mouth open?

The movie trots along at first giving you this generic love story with a family who wants to survive this planet’s fate. In a military briefing room, everyone listens to Falcone tell them about the insane plan. IMMEDIATELY, a generic nerd guy objects and says the most basic line ever.

“I’m just not sure about the SCIENCE.”

“Do you have a family? No? Then shut up.”

“Okay.”

And that’s the end of that. It was dumb and it made me mad. I canceled my family’s annual Christmas party through text message, I was so upset.

So at first, everyone is just occassionally getting dark veins when they cough. Some of them learn to breathe underwater for 30 minutes. One of the scientists says, “Oxygenation at 4 percent.” You lose consciousness at 80-percent or so, in real life. This creature’s blood cells no longer need oxygen. Then, suddenly, the main character tears his vest off and starts swimming like a FISH! It was funny and ridiculous. I GUESS THEY PUT TEH FISH DNA IN HIM

His wife is just aghast at all of this. She steals a dirty Q-tip he used, which is a hilarious nickname for people with skinny necks long necks and big heads. She takes it to her laboratory, because she’s sCiEnTiSt too, and she inspects it. When she hits the CSI zoom button on her microscope, she see’s black shit moving around. It’s Alien Covenant goo. It may also be Ardus from Star Trek The Next Generation. He’s the cheap ass oil monster that killed Tasha Yar off so she could go star in F movies and show her 4 inch thick bush off in nude photos.

A scene happens where a bunch of military people come in and one of them says, “Get this shit off of my base.” And another says “The United States owns your base.” because I guess the first guy, who spoke in English with no accent and had a lapel pin sized foreign flag on his arm, was a foreign general. Did you hear that, Trump supporters? He was a dirty foreigner. Falcone goes “You can call the secretary of defense on my iPhone” and he slides it across the table. But General Foreign walks out and goes “HUFF.” It’s probably good that he did because the iPhone had been artificially slowed down by Tim Cook so new phones with minimal improvements could be released each year, artificially increasing demand through a process called planned obsolescence.

The guy has to go through some operations if he wants to keep evolving. One of them is to get cat eyes, lol. You think I’m kidding? Another is to instantly change his outer appearance entirely from human to Prometheus creature. He has hand sex with his neighbor. His wife is aghast.

The movie goes off the rails, as they say, at the end. The aghast woman finally acts by impossibly switching memory-erasing medicine with saline in an easy-to-understand briefcase. This was so her husband could murder half of the soldiers guarding him to escape. He runs to his wife, Falcone catches up, all the soldiers surround him, and then…the foreign general (he’s a colonel, we finally hear) turns on Falcone. Wait.

Didn’t this thing just murder half of your troops?

All the soldiers turn their guns on Falcone at the same time, hahaha. This is feeling like a Family Channel Movie. At the end, the family is on a base where they are looking up at the sky. We think it might be earth but it is another planet, apparently. This doesn’t make any sense because they’re alive. They see a larger planet in the sky, fully lit up, while they’re at night. It wouldn’t work that way. Either the large planet would function like a moon, making it daylight, or it would just be a huge black spot in the sky with no stars.

Then, we see the main character. I thought they gave him a 9 inch penis at first but I think that was his hand. It was really dark, though, but I believe that’s because the producers didn’t want anyone to see this movie. He then takes off and he can fly. His body is shaped like a glider so there’s no way he would be able to create an upward draft. All he could do is glide. But nah he can fly. The movie ends with him flying into the camera, haha.

2/10 and a waste of my time.

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Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!

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Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.

The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.

Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie.  Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!

Passengers was STUPID!

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I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).

The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields.  Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression

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Obviously, I spoil the movie in the review but the fact is, I think Disney spoiled the movie by releasing it. This movie wasn’t good, except for the scene at the end with Dark Helmet.

So the movie begins by making me think a Star Destroyer is swooping in but it was actually a triangular shape of a dust ring. Then some stuff takes place. We meet our main characters and they’re absolute boredom. The only character with any personality is the droid. I can’t tell you what any of their names were (including the droid). Continue reading Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression

Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable

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Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?

However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.

We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable

Zeitgeist: The Movie is half good, half stupid and all boring.

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Zeitgeist isn’t a movie and it isn’t all good, either. It brings up some great points and will keep you asking questions, which is a good thing, but it’s all over the goddamn place.

First, it pretty much lets you in on the secret that Christianity is a lie, a myth and has zero reality to it. I’ll give it good marks here.

Continue reading Zeitgeist: The Movie is half good, half stupid and all boring.

Review: Damien – Omen 2

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Damien: Omen 2 is a movie about some mythological tribal religion that somehow became world-wide. Santa is going nuts because Omen kid is back. Damien Thorne the antiChrist is alarming his old crazy ass. They die.

Continue reading Review: Damien – Omen 2

Review: Chappie

The poster couldn't less accurately reflect what the story is about. Has nothing to do with saving the world.
The poster couldn’t less accurately reflect what the story is about. Has nothing to do with saving the world.

Chappie is very unusual movie, not like any I can recall seeing. It is about a robot that becomes self-aware and, like a child, has to grow up and learn. However, it is set in South Africa, which has really bad crime in this movie.

Continue reading Review: Chappie

Review: Groundhog Day

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Groundhog Day is one of those movies I’ve seen a million times. It is a “Go to Sleep” movie which will not upset me or my precious balance before I fall asleep to begin dreaming about sex with models. Those are the best. Groundhog Dog Day Out is great.

Continue reading Review: Groundhog Day