Review: Predator 2

"Pussy Mouth" as described by Danny Glover.
“Pussy Mouth” as described by Danny Glover.

For a stretch of time, Arnold Scwarzenegger could make a movie, just by being in it. Some movies, like The Running Man, don’t hold up well. Predator actually remained a solid film though.

As for Predator 2…well, I don’t want to make anyone’s mind up for them (but it sucked).

Although the movie was made in 1990, it’s set in Los Angeles, 1997 and it looks more like 2003 Iraq. Police are in a full fire-fight with bad guys (Mexicans) as news reporters walk in and out of the action. One sticks a finger to her ear and does a little thing called “act.”

"Yes, I'm trying to hear what's in my ear even though I'm talking."
“Yes, I’m trying to hear what’s in my ear even though I’m talking.”

Morton Downey Jr is there – just as Danny Glover, this film’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, pulls up recklessly.

Glover plays the guy he did in Lethal Weapon (Murtaugh) or that’s what is heavily suggested. Predator watches from above as Glover pulls senseless car maneuver, hanging out the drivers side and exposing himself to gun fire. He isn’t shot once. By himself, he guns down the whole crew of bad guys – but not before shouting “Hey Assholes” so they can see where they’re being shot from.

The Mexicans aren’t happy. They do cocaine on film and act as ridiculous as one can. Predator 2 arrives just in time.

The 1980s fed a lot of racial stereotypes.
The 1980s fed a lot of racial stereotypes.

Confirming my suspicions as to the casting of Glover, the police commander in this movie is played by the same boss cop in Lethal Weapon. If Mel Gibson hasn’t been busy hating Jews, don’t you just know he would have been cast in this too?

A bloodied, freaked out coke head gets shot off of the roof (but onto a picnic table that doesn’t break at all). Glover stands in front of a building ledge in a composite shot that looks fake, no doubt hoping whatever hidden assassin did this doesn’t have diplomatic immunity (because that guy in Lethal Weapon 2 had that).

"It's just been revoked."
“It’s just been revoked.”

A silver helicopter violates aviation rules by flying in between buildings before it lands. If this were Cars, ‘Mater would be pleased. Danny Glover is mad about something and he and the police assistant-chief or something have a shouting match.

Bill Paxton is here, playing the same sleazy creep he did in True Lies and maybe other films too. Gary Busey walks in. Lots of names in this. Busey delivers his lines as his lips fail to ever reach below his front teeth. Paxton has pit stains through his suit jacket.

A lady is fucking a guy and we see boobs and bush but some Jamaicans charges in and ruins the day. Before voodoo man can perform Shang Tsung’s Fatality and steal his soul, Predator turns baby face and kills the entire gang – even sparing the bush-having girl. Wonder how long he was watching?

Busey says Glover has a big nose. Indeed. Paxton can’t deliver his studio-dubbed lines without sounding like a total clown. (That’s when they record their line in a sound studio, recreating the emotions of the moment on the set, while having perfect audio quality. Or in Paxton’s case, trying to do the most forced 1930 radio voice possible).

I’ve also lost count how many flashlights have been shined directly at the camera lens in this movie.

A maybe-Mexican detective, named Danny, returns to the scene and as he retrieves evidence without protective gear. Predator 2 says “Danny boy!” indicating that he understands English AND knows the police officers by name. Then Danny falls – catches Predator 2’s arm, then the monster grabs his foot and pulls him back up. We hear a commotion, although all we see is Predator 2 saving his life and the ingrate pulling his gun out. And blood drips on the floor. I must assume it wasn’t a nosebleed and the cop is dead, but it looks like Predator 2 had a reason. Then we hear the predator roar like a wild animal.

I’m confused.

Glover does a self-high five in Busey’s face. Then he and Paxton are in a scientist’s office who discover that the spear piece isn’t a known element. The Jamaican gang is back, to drive Glover around and offer him a joint that looks like it was drawn by a cartoonist. When Glover gets out, we learn that the smog issue in L.A. came from this one weed-filled ride, as 4 billion liters of smoke empty out of the car. An especially delusional Jamaican suspects its something “fram da otha side man.” He throws some chicken bones down, leftovers from a meal. Predator 2, clearly offended by the depiction, shows up and removes his head from his body, boils away the flesh and polishes the skull for a nice little trophy! Nice guy!

Say goodbye to the ozone above that car.
Say goodbye to the ozone above that car.

Next, Predator 2 almost kills an 8 year old for shooting a toy machine gun, but he is able to analyze the gun in time. In a turn of events Chris Hansen couldn’t have predicted, the small child offers candy to the predator. He isn’t able to accept it in time, as the kid runs to tell his mother about the encounter. Rude.

Predator 2 is pissed about the candy and attacks a subway train with gruesome efficiency and strobe light effects. He offers Bill Paxton candy, suggesting now that he doesn’t understand English and may in fact be retarded.  Paxton unappreciatively shoots him with 30 bullets, throws a golf ball at him (this one really got me) and then suddenly has a sword and attacks the alien with it. He also died. The Latina would have too, but Predator 2 scanned her and found a baby in her.

An extra demonstrates that years of acting lessons paid off by unintentionally grinning throughout the scene, while a woman acts distraught over this crime involving no one she knew.

Acting
Acting

Predator 2 gets (a) head and gets out of dodge. He is for some reason scared of Glover now. Glover punches out Morton Downey Jr.

Glover enters a car that hopefully has comprehensive collision coverage based on his driving record in this movie. Sure enough, he drives into everything as the action actually speeds up artificially at times. Then, the Predator decides he would prefer to be a monster out of Ghostbusters and gets struck by lightning on a building.

ZUUL!
ZUUL!

This doesn’t harm him at all. It’s lightning.

Busey and Glover team up as Busey has it all figured out. Busey wants to freeze Predator 2 with liquid nitrogen, so he doesn’t blow himself and the city up with his self-destruct. I immediately notice several issues with this plan that I would have spoken up about (Glover remains silent). For starters, you can’t expect the Predator to just sit there while you freeze him for 20 or 30 seconds. He’s also apparently immune to bullets, so how do you know this will even work?

(Note: He wasn’t immune to bullets when I played as him in Alien vs Predator 2 for the PC. I got shot and killed 20 times on the first level, when trying to imitate this movie).

It’s hard to see anything on the screens which are how screens from that era were. Predator makes a clicking noise that implies he’s using sonar. He’s literally growling out loud and they don’t hear him. Predator uses his arm computer to detect the police ambush. Glover takes the police headset and we hear a voice say “clear the line” next to Glover, instead of through the headset as intended. He tells the stupid cops the monster is on the third floor and has detected their lights. When we cut to the police, they’re looking straight ahead and their flashlights are all on.

All are dispatched with relative ease. Busey remains and Predator 2 turns away from him and blasts him with several fireworks he got earlier in the evening in a scene that must have been cut from this movie. Glover wounds the alien beasts but takes a Roman candle gun to the body armor, knocking him down. After a strange slo-mo chase through beef, Glover turns around and pumps him full of shotgun slugs. He then takes the unconscious monster’s mask off and repeats Arnold’s famous line from the first movie, saying, “You’re one ugly mother…” as Predator grabs his throat and wakes up! In a moment that makes little sense, Predator finishes the line!

He shatters Glover’s gun but just as he looks to finish him off, Busey returns with 3rd degree burns on his face and uses the nitrogen gun, again failing to freeze him. Predator whips out his signature Frisbee disc and cuts Busey’s head CLEAN OFF. A gallon of blood falls out of Busey’s head, which we are left to believe remained suspended in mid-air for a second after the body collapsed to the ground. That is the signature of another famous, gory action movie you may recall. It’s called “Looney Tunes.”

Predator misses a fucking spear throw, but his glow in the dark blood gives him away. Glover tackles him over the building and is in no danger of falling – but that won’t stop him from acting like it! Glover next line is “OK Pussy face, your move.” The beast remarks, “Shit. Hap-pens.” and goes for his self-destruct arm. Glover sees a way out and reaches for the pie-plate from Back to the Future 3 to slice off the arm.

Talk about a "Lethal Weapon."
Talk about a “Lethal Weapon.”

This results in our villain falling from his building, down onto a pipe, over to the next building and into a lady’s bathroom. He opens his drug bag and cooks a form of crystal meth I’ve never seen before.

A possible variety of "Shake and Bake" crystal meth
A possible variety of “Shake and Bake” crystal meth

He then takes the drugs through the bullet wounds, proving he’s some-kind of addict. He pulls a needle out and takes a shot of something else, heroin perhaps, into the stomach. With this many narcotics in his body, he is able to run through several doors and walls before leaping down an elevator shaft. Glover is on the trail through. This is before he was “too old for this shit.” Glover lets himself fall several stories down an elevator shaft and Luke Skywalker style, falls straight into a hole at the bottom perfectly. He catches himself with his fingers. Not a person you would want to thumb wrestle.

We now realize we must be on the alien ship. Predator 2 has a stained-glass ceiling, so it’s possible he’s Catholic. But we see a bunch of boiled skulls – including an Alien skull (from the movie Alien, you know). He has also defeated a tyrannosaurus rex, with jaw arms, and a difficult boss in Final Fantasy 6.

"Achoo"
“Achoo”

Glover and the dreadlock-having “Pussy face” do battle once more. In a moment that lasts an inordinate amount of time, Sgt. Murtaugh shoves the CD weapon into the antagonist. Roger Murtaugh has triumphed.

But then, like 15 Predators show up, decloaking. Glover throws his weapon DOWN and says “Ok, who’s next.” patenting that line years before Goldberg would, ironically set in the fictional year of his rise, 1997. They only want the body of the dumb ass that got beat by a human though, and one even offers up an old gun to Glover as a trophy of sorts.

By now, Danny Glover has worked himself to the bone and needs a moisturizer cream bad.

Moisturize.
Moisturize.

In the African American cross-cultural and anthropological discussion television series, “Chappelle’s Show,” Ashy Larry experiences similar dry skin issues.

Glover implies that this isn’t over yet and our movie is finished folks.

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