Star Trek Into Darkness was bad and you know it


Star Trek Into Darkness was horrible. This movie opens with Spock and Kirk violating the prime directive to save and indigenous species while worried about violating the prime directive by revealing themselves to the indigenous species.

Since the characters suck, Uhura kisses Spock and makes sure we know she loves him before he heads down to the planet.

Spock falls into the volcano, lands on the only rock in molten lava by accident. He gets trapped in there and in the dumbest thing ever, neither he or his box get hit by a single lava glob as the whole thing is erupting. Now I’m not saying his space suit couldn’t have handled it, or the heat of the rock he was on, but no lava touches him. His equipment, not at all looking like his suit, is magically heat resistant, too.


So the next part really pisses me off. The Enterprise is under water. What? Why did they do that? Why would a fucking starship be able to function underwater? Remember how Voyager was like the first ship ever designed to be able to LAND on a planet? That was what, 200 years after this? Even then, it couldn’t go underwater. But I guess because JJ Abrams has unlimited money and special effects, he wants to do something totally impractical and make the Enterprise a submarine. It reminded me of a scene in Austin Powers. Oh, and when Kirk and McCoy swim faster than Aquaman in Batman v Superman, I actually started laughing hard.

Do these people not know what cold fusion is? It is nuclear fusion occurring at or close to room temperature. It has nothing to do with ice!

The tribal idiots worship the Enterprise now instead of their bullshit scribe but look at it this way – both of them are better than the crap on earth. I’m also thinking it’s time for Star Trek to address that all primitive civilizations have silly religions develop. You all know if you believe in a god, you’ve thought at one time or another that none of this space shit will ever happen if god is real and a rapture happens. Good news, it’s not real.

Kirk, with highlights, is seen in bed fucking two cheetah ladies. Seriously, what is this?

So Kirk and Syler go to see John F Kennedy who is mad that some cavemen saw something unidentifiable to them. What’s the worry? In 2000 years, their caves will have drawings of a ship on it. Spock is too violent and Kirk gets sent back to the academy because they have no script and need to redo the first movie.

So Kahn is saving some guys daughter and in exchange, he throws a ring in a glass of water which then magically explodes. I theorize they did this only so a transition shot could appear with Kirk getting a glass of whiskey poured in when an ice cube was dropped in a glass. Oh, I never have been to a bar where they pour your drink on the bar where you put your money and shit.

Kirk becomes first officer of the Enterprise. He meets with Starfleet in a window room about a terrorist attack that happened. Kirk discovers it’s a trap the second a ship shows up to start shooting them. Oh man it gets dumb here. While the ship is murdering everyone in the room, it doesn’t touch Kirk. He decides to make a little anchor and throw it into the ships gun. He does all of this in the open and is not shot. Of course, his first throw lands perfectly in the turbine. Admiral JFK dies again. Spock mind rapes him before he goes. But hey guess that means Kirk is captain of the Enterprise again. That demotion lasted what, two scenes?

Carol Marcus joins the crew as Carol Wallace. Spock is first officer again. Man, just all over the place. They get on the Enterprise, which I’m surprised wasn’t in the Sun or something this time, and Scotty resigns. So this is an example of going to war over a false flag attack without following rules or common sense or protocol. Kirk realizes this and decides to lead an away team but doesn’t reinstate Scotty for no reason. Chekov breaks the warp core and can not even use the communication button now without fucking up. Seriously they did that.

So Uhura says she can speak Klingon now. That’s funny because she couldn’t speak it at all in the Star Trek movies with Nichelle Nichols and had to fucking read one word at a time out of a book. I guess I wasn’t supposed to remember that. Sulu takes command and a chemo patient takes Chekovs spot.

So Sulu does a great job. Qo’NoS is misspelled as “Kronos” on screen. Uhura argues with Spock on a mission about her love. So something happens and it’s not even really made mention of, but Kirk encounters the Klingons for the first time. The Klingons look different now. They’re also pieces of shit. Kahn saves the day and is so bad, he kills about 100 Klingons and shoots down one of their ships on foot. Lol. Then he surrenders and after Kirk punches him, undefended (Apple fought me to the end typing that word. Autocorrect likes changing real words because Tim Cook is a fraud), he is unharmed. They think taking this man on board is a good idea.

Oh we find out Scotty got off the ship.

We hear Christine Chapel transferred “to be a nurse.” But they called her a nurse in the last movie!!! Fuck!

This is an actual quote from the Christine Chapel Wikipedia page:

In the 2009 film Star Trek, a Nurse Chapel is mentioned by McCoy (Karl Urban). In the 2013 film Star Trek Into Darkness, Carol Marcus (Alice Eve) tells Kirk (Chris Pine) that after being with him, Chapel left to become a nurse.[28]A manufactured tension scene happens with the torpedo arming itself and grabbing Bones so they couldn’t transport back. Carol disarms it.

Kahns cell looks like the Wrestlemania 31 set. Oh he tells them he’s Kahn. Kirk lets him out of jail!!! Stupid!

Admiral Marcus showed up in a huge ship. They’ve got to have huge ships. He’s also got a lense flare shining STRAIGHT AT THE CAMERA. Marcus says Kahn helped them make weapons with his 300 year old knowledge. Then, Kirk disobeys orders, goes to warp, and Kahn says something like “You’re not safe at warp either.” Something EXTREMELY DUMB happens. Carol Marcus takes off running to the bridge. Did she forget about communicators? Kirk just used one to talk to Chekov. External communications were down but would that really affect a walkie talkie?

Marcus admits, over comms, he was never going to spare the Enterprise crew. That’s pretty criminal. Then, Scotty sabotages his ship. Right then. Not when it was firing earlier, and about 50 people died the most traumatic death I’ve ever seen, but right before the laser guns fired. Oh, they visually charge up, too. That’s probably a strategically bad move. Kirk holds his hands up and they’re still swollen from the first movie.

McCoy learns that Kahn’s cells regenerate. He injects human blood into a Tribble, a species we know doesn’t even share the planetary evolutionary DNA with. So you remember how a few movies ago, it was a huge deal to jump out of a ship in warp, and only Data had the ability to do some shit like that? Well Kirk and Kahn do it both, and technically McCoy and Kirk also did it in water at high speed.

They shoved Leonard Nimoy in it. Young Spock contacts him to ask about Kahn. He warns them that he’s a bad guy.

Kirk tells Scotty, out loud, to shoot Kahn. He’s got superior senses. How could he not also have superior hearing? Well he doesn’t and gets shot on the bridge. Kahn jumps up because Scotty can’t watch him. He smushes the head of Admiral Marcus. Kahn betrays the Enterprise and shoots the hull of the enterprise but then Sulu says “Shields at 6 percent!” as though they’re up. They detonate the torpedoes on Kahn’s new ship. Easy to see coming. It disables Kahn’s ship. Luckily the cargo bay he beamed those torpedoes to is close to such a powerful functional part.

Then, the Enterprise loses power randomly. Even though they’re no where near the planet, they start to get sucked toward the planet by gravity. This ship is about as far from the planet as the moon is and goes into a spiral lol!!! You’ll see a scene if you watch and it is clearly off. I think the Apollo capsule took half a day or longer to get to the Earth from the moon but they do it in about 14 seconds and a scene.

Kirk goes into the radiation chamber that illogically contains a vital part that could fall out of place. Oh luckily it just needs pushed an inch. It’s like one of those garage door sensors that your fucking cat will run out of because he figured out it stops the garage door from closing!

Watch how much lens flare happens in the scene where Kirk kicks the the device back into place. It’s off the charts. Then, he kicks down LMFAO and the thing zips straight to the right. Just in time for them to fly up through the clouds. Spock notes there are no such things as miracles. Spock realizes Kirk is dead and Spock screams KAHN. It’s laughable! His mouth looks strange.

Bet me makes that face while pooping
Bet me makes that face while pooping

So Kahn’s ship loses altitude. It flies from the distance of the moon probably, all the way to a CITY. I think it’s San Francisco no less. Perfect shot. Like throwing a needle across the room at a pore on someone’s nose. Laughs continue as they conveniently can’t beam Kahn up but CAN beam Spock down for an action scene.

Death isn’t even a problem in this universe! McCoy realizes he can save Kirk with Kahn’s blood. He doesn’t even bother using the blood of a frozen person in a cryo tube. But he needs Kahn alive. Chekov’s excuse for the transporter not working is that they’re moving. Remember how in the last movie, he beamed them up when they were literally free falling a mile?

Spock, the stoic, logic guy on the 70s series, beats the shit out of Kahn.

They inject Kirk with Kahn’s blood that works on any species. That saves his life.

Then, Kirk repeats the captains oath and in a total cheese ball moment, it’s Shatner’s line in the show open of Star Trek’s TV series. They finally play the Star Trek theme. The Enterprise goes to warp and it looks like Dr Manhattan.
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