Review: Goosebumps – The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

Goosebumps Opening Dog
Goosebumps Opening Dog

I’ve read the Cuckoo Clock of Doom, which probably netted me 10 AR points.

Watching this show will not net me anything.

We start out with a kid dribbling a basketball (making noise, basically). The little liability then loses control of the ball and has a creepy moment where he thinks he hears voices – through the walkman. We don’t quite know what he is listening to, but I’ll bet it’s the Goosebumps theme.

Some blood on the sidewalk. Risking all sorts of diseases, he drags his hand through it. While inspecting the bush, the monster jumps out as he terribly portrays a scared child. We return from commercial to learn that the unrealistic turd resemblance-bearing monster was not, in fact, this episodes monster, but worse – an even younger child who had a hand puppet and a ketchup dispenser armed with fake blood.

She squirts him in the face and runs inside, to tell mom that the boy was picking on her. He is then ordered to clean up the fake blood he is covered in. The bad child acting continues with a birthday party, with the kids pretending literally horribly to be happy…while the girl repeatedly pulls the same strand of her hair so much, I fear it would have begun smoking if not stopped immediately. Kid takes a face full of cake. The girl is horribly behaved and the stupid mother enables it.

We get to the cuckoo clock (presumably, of doom). The boy has the worst hair I’ve seen in a while.

Bad Hair
Bad Hair

It then changes in the next scene, completely.

Slicked hair, bad teeth
Slicked, less bad hair

We are reminded by this photo that this was before people on TV had good teeth.

Suddenly, Michael is back at his birthday party. He relives the party with his stupid brat sister who trips him again. Biggest idiot ever. He could have taped a knife to his ankle for when she grabbed it. “Like I always say, tomorrow’s another day.”

Horrible green screen time. Michael is dreaming that the clock is chasing him and when he turns around and stops inexplicably, his little sister’s head replaces the cuckoo bird.

WTF
WTF

Mikey wakes up to find he has regressed to age 6, half his age. The parents are aloof as usual. He does realize that turning the cuckoo bird’s head around fucked things up. Decent reasoning for a child’s show.

Michael’s birthday happens, complete with a professionally made banner that no one has for their birthday, denoting his age for story purposes. Michael then heads to the clock shop to find his cuckoo clock. A pedophile tries to abduct him but Michael doesn’t have time so he keeps running. But for no reason, his dad shows up and finds him.

Michael is a baby next scene and gets his temperature taken, anally, not even joking. The mom has an old woman gray hair wig on, screwing up how she is supposed to appear younger. Michael and the stupid family go to the antique store and he barely manages to turn the cuckoo head around in time, returning him to the present!!

But when he’s there, his shitty sister Tera is gone! After tormenting Michael, he has erased her from existence as revenge! Pretty harsh.

He wonders (with vocal narration) if there is a way to go back and get her. Then he decides to let her remain non-existent, spelling out a message for little kids that is questionable but what we all really wanted to see happen. Michael flashes a not-brushed-very-well toothy, evil grin.

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