Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.
The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.
Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie. Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!
I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields. Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!
Obviously, I spoil the movie in the review but the fact is, I think Disney spoiled the movie by releasing it. This movie wasn’t good, except for the scene at the end with Dark Helmet.
So the movie begins by making me think a Star Destroyer is swooping in but it was actually a triangular shape of a dust ring. Then some stuff takes place. We meet our main characters and they’re absolute boredom. The only character with any personality is the droid. I can’t tell you what any of their names were (including the droid). Continue reading Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression
The Paul Feig 2016 Ghostbusters is so bad, you’d need to watch it four times to get your money’s worth.
Most of the jokes fall flat. Most of the characters suck. Most of the special effects also suck, with a few exceptions. The script was dismal. Who thought this was a good idea? I know who didn’t, ever: me.
Now, out of the amazing list of problems I have with this movie, not one of them involves the cast being all female. I want to point something out though: that was not an original or good idea. The pure-opposite genders across the board make it feel like someone pitched the entire concept in a sentence and didn’t go further. “ALL GIRL GHOSTBUSTERS.” And that’s fine, but why not make it a female-lead Ghostbusters with one or two men on the team, incidental, so it doesn’t feel like what this movie is: a pathetic attack on the male sex.
Allow me to explain… Continue reading Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.
Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?
However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.
We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable
Star Trek Into Darkness was horrible. This movie opens with Spock and Kirk violating the prime directive to save and indigenous species while worried about violating the prime directive by revealing themselves to the indigenous species.
Since the characters suck, Uhura kisses Spock and makes sure we know she loves him before he heads down to the planet. Continue reading Star Trek Into Darkness was bad and you know it
I told you Batman v. Superman would suck and it did. The movie not only sucked from a story perspective but was actually terrible from a cinematography perspective. It lacked cohesiveness in the story and had two of the worst villains in movie history.
Continue reading I was right. Batman v. Superman SUCKED.
Star Wars The Force Awakens fucking completely sucked. It wasn’t as awful as the prequels, which George Lucas should have been ran over…over….but the movie blew. However, you know me, your trustworthy Critic, and I will give you a spoiler-free review. Just click read more.
Continue reading Review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No Spoilers)
Fahrenheit 9/11 is a fantastic documentary by Michael Moore about all that went down during the Bush years, up until 2004.
George W. Bush absolutely stole the 2000 election. He sucked as President until 9/11* (still sucked after that, too, but a lot liked him).
Almost all private flights out of the country were grounded on 9/11. The Bin Laden family received White House approval to fly out AFTER the attacks.
Continue reading Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.
Man of Steel wasn’t worth a shit and I love Superman movies. It made no sense throughout. No sense.
Zod is destroying the planet but wants to take it over with about 3 hours left for the planet to survive. No logic.
Zod kills Jorel, walks out and doesn’t even act like he cares about the ship that is blasting off with the entire codex of his species. He’s like “Oh yeah shoot it.” SHOOT IT? It has your fucking species in it, shouldn’t you capture it? Zod is arrested and put on trial while the planet dies. They basically save his life because he killed them.
Continue reading Man of Steel was awful!
A guy minding his own business. A fucking prick cop. Guy gets arrested because he doesn’t suck the cops ass. Reality.
In Rambo, however, the guy blows the shit out of the entire town, beats up the entire police force, whispers in their ears sweet nothings (and that he could have killed them), survives a rocket launcher and lives just because his Colonel came in and asked him to please stop destroying everyone.
Continue reading Rambo: First Blood is what cops are really like.
I really didn’t know what to expect with the 2015 Vacation movie but I am happy with what they did. The movie is adult humor at an above average level. It wasn’t endless laughs but it is worth watching if you’re a fan of the series.
Continue reading Vacation is an alright movie.
The last shitty Omen movie (for now) is The Final Conflict. Basically, it’s all the made up shit coming to fruition. Sam Neill plays Damien.
We hear about the ice age, 50,000 years ago, which must be fictional for this story to be true since the Bible requires the age of the earth to be 6,000 years old.
Continue reading The Omen: Final Conflict sucked.
Reservoir Dogs sucked! I just watched it because it’s been in my Netflix queue for years and now I know why my instincts were to never watch it – it wasn’t anywhere NEAR as good as people said. Also, I hate the word “reservoir.”
Ok, so the movie is decent at times but out of the gate, we get more “nigger” and “faggot” usage than the story needed. We can lose that shit from our fiction, at least. Then, teach about how evil it was in our culture.
Continue reading Reservoir Dogs sucked!
Grandma’s Boy is a movie I discovered early in my weed smoking years. It was when I was in college. Yes, a total stoner movie. I loved it then but can it stand up to my standards today?
Kevin Nash shows up as the guys play XBox and smoke weed. They’re losers. Nash is evicting them in the scene but out of character, they catch him actually saying he will massage cock for money.
Continue reading Grandma’s Boy isn’t as good as it is remembered to be.
Star Trek Renegades is a Kickstarter-funded movie that is set in the Star Trek Voyager universe (without concern to the new JJ Abrams movies). It’s about a bunch of stuff. It is basically like a fan-film that somehow managed to get a bunch of the cast members to take part in it. It is truly a mixed-bag and by that, I mean it’s shitty unless you’re a big Trekkie, then it is great.
Continue reading Star Trek Renegades blows unless you’re a Trekkie
Ready for about 13 minutes of story and the rest of the time, nothing but non-stop brainless fucking loud action? Then Avengers: Age of Ultron is for you but reading books probably isn’t. This movie did nothing for me except made me feel like I had wasted time.
The basic essence of the story is that the group of Avengers are getting the Loki Scepter thing from the other movie. They get it and hey, all is good (for 5 seconds). Suddenly, Tony Stark is a total idiot and creates an artificial intelligence that, like in all movies, can break out of it’s confined parameters and hates humanity. It also has a sense of humor and is an asshole. It computer-rapes Jarvis. Then, it makes itself a shitty broken body that gets destroyed.
Continue reading I wasn’t impressed with Avengers: Age of Ultron
Cleveland Abduction is about Ariel Castro the real winner who abducted and held women for years.
We get to know the victim. She’s got a shitty loser for a mother with no responsibility. Thanks to that hag, she has to walk to a child services meeting. She’s probably too stupid to blame herself, though.
Continue reading Cleveland Abduction is too disturbing for me.
Straight Outta Compton is a movie about a bunch of black people. Actually it’s about the origin story of a group you may have heard of: RUN DMC.
Continue reading Straight Outta Compton is straight fucking awesome.
Fantastic Four sucked. It wasn’t as bad as the old ones, but it was only about 1% better. The whole fucking movie is their origin story (and it is just as boring as you thought).
Continue reading The new Fantastic Four movie is shit.