Category Archives: Feature Films

Rise of Skywalker d23 trailer proves Disney killed Star Wars

The picture of the Emperor in the background of this is literally an action figure. I’m not joking.

The latest trailer for Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker shows that the Star Wars Saga is dead and Disney is the undertaker. The biggest reason is that in 2019, stupid suck ass hacks have achieved power in corporations like Disney and Sony. Everyone is charge is where they’re at because they’re a good kiss ass. They’re not good writers like Steven Spielberg, Ivan Reitman, George Lucas, or others who had to achieve their success through creativity.


You achieve your success now by being a man-hating mega liberal who bows down to the bad ideas of your bosses.

That’s why these movies are written by people who seem unintelligent. They are. They’re not creative people. They’re hacks.

The trailer begins by showing us a montage of the old movies. Moments, mostly created by George Lucas, are used to draw us into this film. They’re doing this because the previous two films did not get anyone invested in the characters.

We finally see a shot from the new Disney trilogy. It’s XWings flying. They created so little in terms of characters, they have nothing to show us here.

And we finally hear it. It’s the lame ass strategy Disney is going to run with. This is the last Star Wars movie and the saga is concluding SO YOU BETTER GO WATCH IT.

But, the saga already concluded in Revenge of the Sith, in my eyes. This is just fan fiction by a company rich enough to buy the rights. It’s damn near as lame as watching PewDiePie with a green lightsaber fighting Darth Maul while acting concerned and wise.

So, the gimmick this time is that the series is ending. If that’s (hopefully) true, it means Disney has made a horrendous decision out of the gate. See, we knew the last prequel was the end of that series but this? This is open ended and you’re telling us the finish. The finish is that this movie wraps it all up.

Which immediately kills the believability of Rey turning to the Dark Side, which is what we see at the end of the trailer. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We see the bland main characters all traveling together for some reason. They’re looking for a hidden cache of superweapons the Emperor stored. Because, in Return of the Jedi, the Death Star he was building wasn’t really that important. He had a dozen or so hidden away.

This continues a trend of Disney reimagining old characters in ways that negatively affect the original trilogy.

Most notably, with the Emperor returning, it will nullify the prophecy that Anakin would bring balance to the Force. When Darth Vader threw Palpatine down the shaft, KILLING HIM, that WAS the prophecy.

Bringing Palpatine back to life takes all the meaning away of the ending in Return of the Jedi.

But it’s too late and they’re already doing it. Even though he’s going to be killed off FOR GOOD* this time, I’m already let down by the cheap plot line of bringing dead characters with completed arcs back to life all because of one reason:

Disney’s hacks like JJ Abrams and Rian Johnson, appointed by Queen Hack Kathleen Kennedy, couldn’t write a villain interesting enough to make me want to watch the series.

I’m not sure how Rian Johnson is even still alive. No one has ever failed as badly as him but he’s on Twitter like a proud fool. I would have taken a trip to the rope store and the rickety stool store by now. You ever see one of those toothless rotted mouth people smiling as big as their mouth will go? That’s his level of unawareness. Toothless Smiler Level.

Kylo and Rey are going to fight again in this movie. That’s the third time they’ll have fought. Disney didn’t let the male win once so we have no stakes and no one cares. No one believes Kylo will win. Even if he does, we all hate him for being so weak.

Oh, and C3PO’s eyes turn red now because of some hostile programming that takes him over OR worse, because he’s possessed by the Emperor.

It’s 1:15 into the trailer before we see the new film (1:50 is when the title appears, so…). We hear Darth Vader breathing. Rey has a red saber at the end and it’s kind of stupid (two at once that then flip into a double bladed one. Why would you want two?)

So, if they turn Kylo good…and Rey bad…would it be interesting? Maybe for the short term. Maybe the Emperor would possess Rey for some kind of fun high jinks. But, I don’t think they’ll do that because the woman can’t be bad or weak, even if it furthers the story.

“We wasted billions to feel better about ourselves and we still feel hollow!”

The Force isn’t female. The Force doesn’t spend its spare time online finding new things to be offended about while dialing up hypocrisy to a level previously never met. The Force doesn’t feel a lifetime of insecurities that need to be righted by making men look stupid. Modern feminism isn’t about equality.

It’s about revenge.

And just like Ghostbusters 2016, and Star Wars The Last Jedi, and so many others, that shit might make your militantly misandrist audience happy. However. That tiny percentage of miserable women (and loser guys who suck up to them out of fear) aren’t enough to support a global brand.

But they are enough to kill it.


Dark Phoenix was dick

It starts out with young Jean Grey being a no good fucking little shit and distracting her parents while driving. Massive head on wreck. It kills both of them and she doesn’t cry or care. She’s unharmed. This movie is going to be pure shit. I can tell.

Professor X shows up and goes hi, I’m professor X. Your parents are dead wanna come live with me? She says okay.

Fast forward from 1975 to 1992. A space shuttle launches and within one second, the acting space shuttle pilots say “Houston we have a problem.” My eyes bug out as I am in awe of something this stupid. “Okay, Houston, we’ve had a problem here” is the actual Apollo 13 quote but hey let’s be fucking lazy. Speaking of lazy, Professor X appears again and decides to intervene.

The X Jet launches into space. Hank Beast Guy even says it’s not made for space. They literally fly into space and it works. I’m sure my car would drive into space just fine!

They save the astronauts and Jean absorbs this red fire storm thing. She’s the Phoenix. I hope she kills everyone and the movie ends.

Mystique argues with Xavier about him exploiting the X-Men for magazine covers. But then she said “Hey women are saving all the men so call it X Women.” That’s a reference to the poisonous SJW atmosphere of 2019. It’ll be remembered in history as being shoved down our throats too much. Women deserve equality. But this whole movie is about a woman lol. And the term “XMen” means humans. Mankind. It’s not saying XMales. That’s probably some website where low-IQ former football players in high school get their dick sucked on camera for $50 and the rest of their life ruined.

Look how fucking awful this looks. No one wants to see JLaw unless they’re on the Fappening

Jean has some incidents and then Xavier fucks up again by invading her mind using Cerebro. Earlier in the movie, Cyclops asks Jean why she read his mind without permission. Here, Xavier does so to her. She asks him to stop and he keeps going.

Jean finds out her dad is still alive. She goes and meets him. He looks like a zombie. She can’t sense he hates her even though as a viewer, I can see that. Bbbbuuuuut she’s too strong for Charles. She finally does read his mind. It’s a good scene.

Phoenix kicks all of the X Men ass she can. Then, she kills Mystique. Seems like she’s not really dead though, as it felt like she was about to leave the team and had a future story arc.

Beast goes nuts on X and it’s good. Some really fun scenes as my neigbor slams his doors 434 times before 6:30 AM. He ought to have a bolt screwed into his frontal lobe over that.

From there, Jean fucks up some stuff and intimidated Magneto. She causes mutants to be basically outlawed. Concentration camps! The blonde chick can’t act. Her lines are all cliche. “The only person here afraid of your powers is you.”

I really didn’t enjoy the fight between the mutants and the brotherhood but I did like the fight between the people who were not mutants vs those who were. It was kind of cool at first. Magneto throws baddies in another train car and crushes it. Blonde shows up and defeats him with ease. But it is predictable. Jean turns good and saves the day.

It’s funny because after what might have been the darkest movie ever on film* the movie ends in a bright splosion. Jean killed herself to kill the blonde and hopefully this universe.

Right after she dies, the teen actor playing Cyclops just LUMBERS up to her grave in a rush and shows no emotion. His acting has been a nightmare. He walks up like he’s buying a pack of bubblegum, watch it.

The movie ends with Magneto and James McEvoy’s creepy grinning bald head playing chess or checkers and as the pans up, we see the Space Shuttle Challenger omg #nEverforget oh wait that’s the Phoenix again.

4/10. I hope this means the MCU and Disney get the X-Men now. There are less corny movies on Hallmark. Watch X-Men the last stand and you’ll get a better story with better actors.

The Titan is stupid people sci-fi


I was recently finished patrolling the rooftops of my neighborhood while looking for crime and decided to watch a Netflix original. The movie is called the Titan and it stars the guy who played Falcone in Batman Begins, who has been eating a lot, as about the dumbest scientist fathomable.

The year is sometime in the future. Planet Earth has been royally fucked because we kept voting for Republicans and a nuclear war broke out. Life as we know it must be evacuated to another planet. We keep hearing this, as our main characters jog through the Hidden Valley on the ranch dressing bottles. None of the devastation has reached our main characters but it’s everywhere else I guess. Speaking of, our main characters are Terminator Salvation guy and always aghast girl. This chick is fucking always speechless about something. It’s really annoying because I’m sitting here like, “Okay, your husband is turning into Prometheus with snake hands.” but she can’t figure it out.

The premise is that since earth is shit, we have to go live somewhere. There’s a moon of Saturn called Titan which is like earth, but it has liquid methane instead of liquid water. It’s totally inhospitable to humans. But, Falcone wants to terraform HUMANS instead of the planet. That’s his sales pitch, anyway. We later learn he’s injecting people with wild animal DNA and it’s making them all pretty much deadly idiots.
I really don’t care, do u

The problem I have with it is in this simple thought: if they are physically evolving, why would they mentally DEVOLVE and become stupid animals who throw their wife through the glass while aghast lady just stares with her mouth open?

The movie trots along at first giving you this generic love story with a family who wants to survive this planet’s fate. In a military briefing room, everyone listens to Falcone tell them about the insane plan. IMMEDIATELY, a generic nerd guy objects and says the most basic line ever.

“I’m just not sure about the SCIENCE.”

“Do you have a family? No? Then shut up.”


And that’s the end of that. It was dumb and it made me mad. I canceled my family’s annual Christmas party through text message, I was so upset.

So at first, everyone is just occassionally getting dark veins when they cough. Some of them learn to breathe underwater for 30 minutes. One of the scientists says, “Oxygenation at 4 percent.” You lose consciousness at 80-percent or so, in real life. This creature’s blood cells no longer need oxygen. Then, suddenly, the main character tears his vest off and starts swimming like a FISH! It was funny and ridiculous. I GUESS THEY PUT TEH FISH DNA IN HIM

His wife is just aghast at all of this. She steals a dirty Q-tip he used, which is a hilarious nickname for people with skinny necks long necks and big heads. She takes it to her laboratory, because she’s sCiEnTiSt too, and she inspects it. When she hits the CSI zoom button on her microscope, she see’s black shit moving around. It’s Alien Covenant goo. It may also be Ardus from Star Trek The Next Generation. He’s the cheap ass oil monster that killed Tasha Yar off so she could go star in F movies and show her 4 inch thick bush off in nude photos.

A scene happens where a bunch of military people come in and one of them says, “Get this shit off of my base.” And another says “The United States owns your base.” because I guess the first guy, who spoke in English with no accent and had a lapel pin sized foreign flag on his arm, was a foreign general. Did you hear that, Trump supporters? He was a dirty foreigner. Falcone goes “You can call the secretary of defense on my iPhone” and he slides it across the table. But General Foreign walks out and goes “HUFF.” It’s probably good that he did because the iPhone had been artificially slowed down by Tim Cook so new phones with minimal improvements could be released each year, artificially increasing demand through a process called planned obsolescence.

The guy has to go through some operations if he wants to keep evolving. One of them is to get cat eyes, lol. You think I’m kidding? Another is to instantly change his outer appearance entirely from human to Prometheus creature. He has hand sex with his neighbor. His wife is aghast.

The movie goes off the rails, as they say, at the end. The aghast woman finally acts by impossibly switching memory-erasing medicine with saline in an easy-to-understand briefcase. This was so her husband could murder half of the soldiers guarding him to escape. He runs to his wife, Falcone catches up, all the soldiers surround him, and then…the foreign general (he’s a colonel, we finally hear) turns on Falcone. Wait.

Didn’t this thing just murder half of your troops?

All the soldiers turn their guns on Falcone at the same time, hahaha. This is feeling like a Family Channel Movie. At the end, the family is on a base where they are looking up at the sky. We think it might be earth but it is another planet, apparently. This doesn’t make any sense because they’re alive. They see a larger planet in the sky, fully lit up, while they’re at night. It wouldn’t work that way. Either the large planet would function like a moon, making it daylight, or it would just be a huge black spot in the sky with no stars.

Then, we see the main character. I thought they gave him a 9 inch penis at first but I think that was his hand. It was really dark, though, but I believe that’s because the producers didn’t want anyone to see this movie. He then takes off and he can fly. His body is shaped like a glider so there’s no way he would be able to create an upward draft. All he could do is glide. But nah he can fly. The movie ends with him flying into the camera, haha.

2/10 and a waste of my time.

Ghostbusters 2: Revisited



I am presently obsessed with Ghostbusters 2, for some strange reason. As a child, this was my favorite movie. I think that’s because it was a bit more kid-friendly than the original Ghostbusters, which is presently my all-time favorite movie. It probably always will be, too. It’s just so good.

Continue reading Ghostbusters 2: Revisited

Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!


Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.

The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.

Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie.  Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!

Passengers was STUPID!


I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).

The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields.  Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression


Obviously, I spoil the movie in the review but the fact is, I think Disney spoiled the movie by releasing it. This movie wasn’t good, except for the scene at the end with Dark Helmet.

So the movie begins by making me think a Star Destroyer is swooping in but it was actually a triangular shape of a dust ring. Then some stuff takes place. We meet our main characters and they’re absolute boredom. The only character with any personality is the droid. I can’t tell you what any of their names were (including the droid). Continue reading Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression

Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.

The Paul Feig 2016 Ghostbusters is so bad, you’d need to watch it four times to get your money’s worth.

Most of the jokes fall flat. Most of the characters suck. Most of the special effects also suck, with a few exceptions. The script was dismal. Who thought this was a good idea? I know who didn’t, ever: me.

Now, out of the amazing list of problems I have with this movie, not one of them involves the cast being all female. I want to point something out though: that was not an original or good idea. The pure-opposite genders across the board make it feel like someone pitched the entire concept in a sentence and didn’t go further. “ALL GIRL GHOSTBUSTERS.” And that’s fine, but why not make it a female-lead Ghostbusters with one or two men on the team, incidental, so it doesn’t feel like what this movie is: a pathetic attack on the male sex.

Allow me to explain… Continue reading Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.

Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable


Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?

However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.

We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable

Star Trek Into Darkness was bad and you know it


Star Trek Into Darkness was horrible. This movie opens with Spock and Kirk violating the prime directive to save and indigenous species while worried about violating the prime directive by revealing themselves to the indigenous species.

Since the characters suck, Uhura kisses Spock and makes sure we know she loves him before he heads down to the planet. Continue reading Star Trek Into Darkness was bad and you know it

I was right. Batman v. Superman SUCKED.

I told you Batman v. Superman would suck and it did. The movie not only sucked from a story perspective but was actually terrible from a cinematography perspective. It lacked cohesiveness in the story and had two of the worst villains in movie history.

Continue reading I was right. Batman v. Superman SUCKED.

Review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No Spoilers)

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Star Wars The Force Awakens fucking completely sucked. It wasn’t as awful as the prequels, which George Lucas should have been ran over…over….but the movie blew. However, you know me, your trustworthy Critic, and I will give you a spoiler-free review. Just click read more.

Continue reading Review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No Spoilers)

Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.


Fahrenheit 9/11 is a fantastic documentary by Michael Moore about all that went down during the Bush years, up until 2004.

George W. Bush absolutely stole the 2000 election. He sucked as President until 9/11* (still sucked after that, too, but a lot liked him).

Almost all private flights out of the country were grounded on 9/11. The Bin Laden family received White House approval to fly out AFTER the attacks.

Continue reading Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.

Man of Steel was awful!


Man of Steel wasn’t worth a shit and I love Superman movies. It made no sense throughout. No sense.

Zod is destroying the planet but wants to take it over with about 3 hours left for the planet to survive. No logic.

Zod kills Jorel, walks out and doesn’t even act like he cares about the ship that is blasting off with the entire codex of his species. He’s like “Oh yeah shoot it.” SHOOT IT? It has your fucking species in it, shouldn’t you capture it? Zod is arrested and put on trial while the planet dies. They basically save his life because he killed them.

Continue reading Man of Steel was awful!

Rambo: First Blood is what cops are really like.


A guy minding his own business. A fucking prick cop. Guy gets arrested because he doesn’t suck the cops ass. Reality.

In Rambo, however, the guy blows the shit out of the entire town, beats up the entire police force, whispers in their ears sweet nothings (and that he could have killed them), survives a rocket launcher and lives just because his Colonel came in and asked him to please stop destroying everyone.

Continue reading Rambo: First Blood is what cops are really like.

Vacation is an alright movie.

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I really didn’t know what to expect with the 2015 Vacation movie but I am happy with what they did. The movie is adult humor at an above average level. It wasn’t endless laughs but it is worth watching if you’re a fan of the series.

Continue reading Vacation is an alright movie.

The Omen: Final Conflict sucked.


The last shitty Omen movie (for now) is The Final Conflict. Basically, it’s all the made up shit coming to fruition. Sam Neill plays Damien.

We hear about the ice age, 50,000 years ago, which must be fictional for this story to be true since the Bible requires the age of the earth to be 6,000 years old.

Continue reading The Omen: Final Conflict sucked.

Reservoir Dogs sucked!


Reservoir Dogs sucked! I just watched it because it’s been in my Netflix queue for years and now I know why my instincts were to never watch it – it wasn’t anywhere NEAR as good as people said. Also, I hate the word “reservoir.”

Ok, so the movie is decent at times but out of the gate, we get more “nigger” and “faggot” usage than the story needed. We can lose that shit from our fiction, at least. Then, teach about how evil it was in our culture.

Continue reading Reservoir Dogs sucked!

Grandma’s Boy isn’t as good as it is remembered to be.


Grandma’s Boy is a movie I discovered early in my weed smoking years. It was when I was in college. Yes, a total stoner movie. I loved it then but can it stand up to my standards today?

Kevin Nash shows up as the guys play XBox and smoke weed. They’re losers. Nash is evicting them in the scene but out of character, they catch him actually saying he will massage cock for money.

Continue reading Grandma’s Boy isn’t as good as it is remembered to be.

Star Trek Renegades blows unless you’re a Trekkie


Star Trek Renegades is a Kickstarter-funded movie that is set in the Star Trek Voyager universe (without concern to the new JJ Abrams movies). It’s about a bunch of stuff. It is basically like a fan-film that somehow managed to get a bunch of the cast members to take part in it. It is truly a mixed-bag and by that, I mean it’s shitty unless you’re a big Trekkie, then it is great.

Continue reading Star Trek Renegades blows unless you’re a Trekkie