Review: Friday the 13th – Part 3 (3D)

A new dimension indeed.
A new dimension indeed.

I hate 3D movies because most of the 3D scenes are typically forced and obvious. But these shitty movies didn’t just recently begin. 3D had a phase in the 80s too. When it came time to make a new Friday the 13th, 3 had to be 3D.

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Review: iSteve

iSteve
iSteve

There is something unambitious about a movie that doesn’t describe itself as the best, but as “the first.” And iSteve is an actual movie that I didn’t make up (unless I’m REALLY insane). It stars Justin Long as Steve Jobs. Yes, you read that right.

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Review: Roundhouse – First Date

"Where I can be myself"
“Where I can be myself”

Round and round and round and round…that’s how the theme to Roundhouse began. It was a staple in the early Saturday night line-up of Snick. For you babies, Snick was Nickelodeon’s special Saturday night line-up for kids like me who never went anywhere or did shit. This show really never made any sense to me but it seemed fun (when I was a mindless child).

I wonder if it will hold up with time as I watch the first full episode I’ve seen since childhood? (No)

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Review: Evil Dead

The Evil Dead
The Evil Dead

I decided to watch Evil Dead, from 1981. The movie is very highly rated, unusual for material I look at on this site. I’m in a pissed mood though, so who knows

Oh, I’ve never seen this movie.

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Review: Star Trek: TNG – Manhunt

Star Trek The Next Generation
Star Trek The Next Generation

Out of the gate, Picard is in a dress.  Some fish heads teleport in.  Picard and his so…I mean Wesley talk about them like they’re not there.

Picard calls Worf “Wolf” then leaves. “Wolf” admires the race’s looks.

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Review: Predator 2

"Pussy Mouth" as described by Danny Glover.
“Pussy Mouth” as described by Danny Glover.

For a stretch of time, Arnold Scwarzenegger could make a movie, just by being in it. Some movies, like The Running Man, don’t hold up well. Predator actually remained a solid film though.

As for Predator 2…well, I don’t want to make anyone’s mind up for them (but it sucked).

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Review: Goosebumps – Welcome to Camp Nightmare (Pt. 1)

Camp Nightmare
Camp Nightmare

RL Stine is back with a briefcase full of pages he doesn’t seem to care that get blown away. Probably something totally invaluable like…a Goosebumps TV episode script! It’s “Welcome to Camp Nightmare” and as the image suggests, it’s an episode, based on a Goosebumps book, that then had a book written based on the episode. WHAT?

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Review: Star Trek: TNG – Up The Long Ladder

Star Trek The Next Generation
Star Trek The Next Generation

Worf is constipated, even worse since no one has discovered Neelix’s cooking.  Nothing makes you push the speed limits like the shits, huh Janeway?  Anyway, suddenly Data doesn’t have superhuman hearing anymore and doesn’t hear Worf snarling.

Someone rufy’d Worf. Pulaski violates Starfleet law and lies to her Captain.

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Review: Battlebowl ’93

Complete with Sid, who was nowhere to be seen at the event.
Complete with Sid, who was nowhere to be seen at the event.

November 20th, 1993. Pensacola, Florida. Monotonic Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura are ready to call a night of senseless antics and questionable action.  This event barely even made sense, with the goal being to team up with some of your worst enemies and win in order to advance to a battle royal. If you win THAT, out of 16 competitors, then you…get a ring. A ring on your hand, not even a wrestling ring. I don’t know what kind of ratings this event did, but I’m afraid to look because if the number is over 8 buys, I’ll be depressed that I’m human again for a month.

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Review: Star Trek: TNG – Samaratin Snare

Star Trek The Next Generation
Star Trek The Next Generation

Pulaski and Picard (or the actors playing them) can’t stand each other, out of the gate.  Riker doesn’t want Picard taking a piss without shaking it for him.  Ensign Hot Chocolate Spill is back.

The cardboard-box shuttle is cleared for take off/looks nothing like it did in the shuttle bay when it launched.

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Review: Goosebumps – The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

Goosebumps Opening Dog
Goosebumps Opening Dog

I’ve read the Cuckoo Clock of Doom, which probably netted me 10 AR points.

Watching this show will not net me anything.

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Review: Star Trek: TNG – Q Who?

Star Trek The Next Generation
Star Trek The Next Generation

Ensign Gomez kills her career by throwing hot chocolate on the captain, who doesn’t even flinch, and then pressing it into the uniform, for no reason.

Guinan calls the bridge but Riker is rude. He must not have the same attraction as Ted Danson.  Geordi and Gomez are drinking future water.  Wesley flips out over Picard (his dad).

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Review: Goosebumps – It Came From Beneath The Kitchen Sink

Goosebumps
Goosebumps

We open to a family way too happy about moving in. The kid is already talking to the animal. Kids literally are incapable of good acting.

The dog, aptly named “Killer” (I know someone with a dog named this. Why not be unique and opt with a first name, like Serial or Axe?) goes insane.

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Review: Monday Night Raw November 17, 1997

Raw is War
Raw is War

On the second Raw after the Montreal Screw Job, a funny thing happened. Vince McMahon made himself out to be a total dunderhead, liar and idiot all in two little hours. Now, like never before, you’ll understand why.

Raw opens with Stone Cold Steve Austin – and in classic form. The crowd was still grasping how to perform a “Hell yeah” and Austin bullies JR a little too – wonder who put him up to that?

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Review: Star Trek: TNG – Pen Pals

Star Trek The Next Generation
Star Trek The Next Generation

Worf trips over Data’s shit that he’s playing with behind tactical, not happy. Wesley sucks at commanding  people. Data stalls forever on the holodeck before telling Captain Picard how he screwed up. Wesley interrupts Riker while he’s pussy-getting in Ten-Forward. Dr Pulaski calls Worf a coward, obviously won’t be on this show much longer.

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Review: Orca: The Killer Whale

Orca: The Killer Whale
Orca: The Killer Whale

With the success of the movie “Jaws,” it was only a matter of time before some Hollywood big-shot executive said “Well, what is even more dangerous than a shark?” and unfortunately, someone mentioned orcas.

Orcas fucking suck. Literally, orcas are hailed as having an intelligence supreme to humans and yet, they’re allowed to murder people at Sea World with not even a stiff beating or whipping. I would probably buy a ticket to Sea World on that day (orca punishment day) but I wouldn’t stay very long.

Anyway, some how this movie got made.

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