I was grocery shopping online again so I don’t have to interact with anyone in public – my life goal now – and I came across a pizza with the UFC logo. Is this pizza on steroids? Does it beat its girlfriend? No. But it is shaped like an octagon and it’s the OFFICIAL FROZEN PIZZA OF THE UFC.
What exactly does that mean? That Devour bought ad rights to shill their pizza to UFC fans. They didn’t pay enough to be the official pizza (Dana White wants Papa Johns. You just know it). But they’re clearly paying enough to cobrand the entire pizza down to the shape of the thing.
But the main question is if the pizza is any good. Is it? No. It tastes like shit and I’m never buying another one again.
First thing I noticed was how condensed the thing was and heavy. It must be so they could make the octagon with rigidity to not end up looking like some acid trip shape by the time it was cooked. No, sure enough, this pizza holds its shape until the end. Almost to the degree that I couldn’t cut it. It took me three or four gouges with the pizza roller to get it into the fucking Kevlar crust. I quickly decided to only cut four pieces because I was running out of strength.
My first bite set off a few alarms. I had the Ultimate Sausage and Pepper mess. This sausage is a bit spicy. I enjoyed it but old people who have ulcers won’t. The peppers and onions taste sort of low quality but fine. I picture Dana White saying in his meeting, while gawking at a future sexual assault victim, that he wants to see some extreme pizzas that push the limits on taste! So they dumped a can of pepper into the sausage mix. But I’ve got to come back to this crust.
It’s like eating on Captain America’s shield. It’s not tasty. It’s just hard. It tastes every bit as cheap as Banquet and I think that’s who is behind this brand, okay?
This pizza is actually as low quality as a Tombstone or Red Baron pizza. The difference is, it’s not priced like one of those. It’s priced like a fuckin UFC PIZZA THAT’LL BEAT YOUR ASS. The same price as Freschetta or Not Delivery It’s Digorno. Both of those are vastly superior. I barely finished this Devour. I sure didn’t Devour it.
Also, UFC fighters don’t eat garbage pizza. If they’re going to eat a cheat meal it’ll be a delicious fresh pizza made by their wife they beat. Concussion sports are not going to last another 20 years btw. But this pizza won’t last another year.
I hate everything about Star Trek Discovery except for the cast and I actually think they’re solid. I’ve watched the entire first two seasons and I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch them again, it was so miserable. It was like fan fiction but not good fan fiction. There were a billion problems from the start until Season 2’s conclusion. That’s what I’ll cover here until I get bored.
Let’s begin with a basic list about what sucks about the show. Then, a summary of the dick ass episodes they produced. Alex Kurtzman is a dipshit.
It is another prequel. They can’t stop doing these. They suck. It’s an excuse for lazy shitheads to not have to research all the Trek lore.
The episode names show you the issue, which is that the show isn’t about anything. It’s about a really stupid woman who makes bad decisions (isn’t it?)
It’s on CBS All Access, which no one wants. They won’t even release the numbers because it has flopped so bad. Most people would rather figure out how to install a hacked app and just watch for free.
It looks like shit. It’s worse than the JJ Abrams movies, which I never liked.
I couldn’t get through most episodes without opening my phone and playing games, texting people, and getting mad.
The Klingons are stupid looking and not at all canon. They’re Orcs from LotR
The Discovery is an ugly ship. It’s terribly designed. It makes no sense. It spins everywhere which I can’t imagine a fake purpose for.
Star Trek is supposed to be based in some level of POSSIBLE reality. This show is more fantasy than sci fi.
Season 1 – Disappointed expectations and a sour taste of what’s to come
The Vulcan Hello: The show begins with the Captain and main character, Michael Burnham, violating the Prime Directive. They get beamed up to a ship that is not the Discovery. It’s the Shenzou. And it’s confusing as fuck because within minutes, that ship is in a war that Burnham starts for no reason. This shit is so awful, they wrote lines in Season 2 by Spock that make fun of this. Captain Georgou dies.
The Battle at the Binary Stars: I forgot that this was a two hour pilot and everything I just described above takes place across two hours. Burnham goes to jail.
Context is for Kings: I hate this episode title. At this point, the Discovery writers begin plagiarizing a stupid game on Steam about tardagrades and spore drives. Now, even tho STD is a prequel, they develop technology to instantly travel ANYWHERE. This ruins Trek lore (totally fucks Star Trek Voyager’s entire premise. Oh hi, that’s still more popular than this show) and must be awkwardly addressed in the Season 2 finale.
The Butcher’s Knife Cares Not for the Lamb’s Cry (yeah, this whole thing is really a title): Starfleet is at war still and Burnham is on Discovery now. It’s painful. They’re also going to start torturing the tardagrade until it screams and that’s supposed to be fun to watch.
Choose Your Pain: Unfortunately, Lorca, who is so evil they have to write a mirror universe story arc at the end of the first half of season 1 to explain him, meets a totally dull fucking character: Ash Tyler. Also, Harry Mudd is in this, played by Rainn Wilson. Folks, a lot of people will tell you this is their favorite part. I’m here to tell you that this character sucks. It’s annoying, over-played, and supposed to be done like we know who this fucking guy is in Star Trek. I do, but his character was never played like this. They make him a super villain.
Lethe: This episode sucks but I don’t even remember why.
Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad: The dumbass fucking show makes a disco party happen in the middle of a war on Discovery and it’s just awful.
Si Vis Pacem, para Bellum: Discovery has to learn how Klingons cloak for one hour.
Into the Forest I Go: More shitty titles. Lorca uses Discovery to end the war with the Klingons. He ends up in the Mirror Universe (there’s only one lol).
Despite Yourself: The first interesting episode of the entire show happens when they arrive in the Mirror Universe. In a normal Star Trek season, this would be one episode or MAYBE two. It’s the rest of the season.
The Wolf inside: Stuff happens and Burnham is undercover.
Vaulting Ambition: A title that does not describe the writers of this. Stamets is inside of the mycelial network, now. Also, the show is doing a thing where it kills off characters – and then brings them back. Death is meaningless in this show. Georgiou, Burnham, Culber, just about everyone dies and comes back some how. Even if it is the Mirror Version, they end up just using that character and making them good again (Georgiou).
What’s Past is Prologue: Since they’ve decided to devote HALF OF A SEASON to the Mirror Universe arc, we must now slowly drudge through bad ideas for episodes. Lorca is going to take over from the Emperor who is Georgiou.
The War Without, The War Within: They’ve not had one good episode title yet. All Corny cliches. This and episode 15…
Will You Take My Hand?: The season finale episodes. Both were the end of the Klingon war. A show that created its own unneeded conflict expects us to feel satisfaction at its end. I feel like the show needed to end and was stunned by the realization this would not be the last episode. I guess bad investors don’t know when to pull out (also people who are trailer trash that have 50 kids). The possible reason we continued the misery: they fucking made the USS Enterprise RANDOMLY show up.
Season 2 – More stupid decisions while also fixing previous stupid decisions
At this point, the writers decide they’re going to mindfuck the audience. We’ve seen several characters killed off and brought back already. That’s going to be intensified in Season 2. I’ve seen people say OMG SEASON 2 FIXED EVERYTHING. No, it didn’t. Season 2 was a pile of steaming stinking brown runny shiitake mushroom puree. Actually, just shit. It improved in a handful of ways:
It realized Star Trek is supposed to be episodic, but it still fucked up by focusing on these elementary school concepts for season-long story arcs that took the focus from each episode (Red Angel. Time Crystals)
They make jokes about how if you put the word “time” in front of something, it sounds cooler. This was one of the rare moments I said “Hmm. That’s clever. I like it.” And THEN, they literally say they have to find a TIME CRYSTAL. They had no better name than that lazy shit. The earlier jokes about “time” weren’t involved here and never were acknowledged again.
We get another double agent, this time in the silicon cyborg lady on the bridge. Last season, it was Lorca. They kill off this character and give her a funeral for half an episode so I’m pretty sure we can count on her being dead but knowing this show’s writers, they’ll bring her back.
Deciding that the Mirror Universe and Klingon War wasn’t dark enough, the writers give us a Section 31 story arc. They’re the branch of Starfleet that will DO ANYTHING TO GET THE JOB DONE. Yeah except that’s all we saw the entire first season. And then…
They introduce “Control.” And they totally obsoleted the Borg by doing so. Because “Control” can assimilate you…except it can hide inside of you. It can make you a super human who can’t be killed. In every single imaginable way, Control is fucking superior to the BORG. The most lethal enemy in the history of the Federation.
The Red Angel comes back from the future and says Control is the biggest threat ever to existence and is going to wipe out all life. Now, let us think about what this means. This means that they’ve gone into the future and showed us what the worst possible enemy is. It kills everything. So…
They kill it. They save the future (from an extinction event we never heard about throughout the rest of Trek lore, which is set in the FUTURE OF THIS SHOW that the writers keep fucking forgetting about. Oh you are going to tell me that’s why we never heard about it, right? Okay, well if that’s the case, then tell me why a far more inferior enemy than Control – The Borg – lasts for ALL OF TNG, ALL OF VOYAGER, ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES, AND ARGUABLY, SEASON 3 OF THIS SHIT SHOW SINCE THEY’VE FUCKED UP ALL THEY CAN IN THE PAST? Control obsoletes the Borg and if they end up saying Control becomes the Borg, it’s going to piss me off even more because why would the Borg go from superhuman agents that look identical to normal people to SLOW MOVING CYBER ZOMBIES?
Everything about this show makes me hateful. The reason is because it’s just an ill-thought out show made my sycophantic corporate ass kisses. It’s not about talent anymore. It’s about sycophancy. Whoever kisses enough ass gets their own chance to do something stupid with our childhood.
This show undercuts everything about Star Trek. A Season 3 means they’re going into the future to what, exist in the same time as Star Trek: Picard? (Another fuck up show BTW from what I’ve heard). When will it end? Season 3 is coming, so you better get ready for it. Get ready for more ugly writing. Forced SJW shit. Stupid plot arcs. Dumb, dumb ass episodes that feel like 15 minutes stretched into 40. And who knows. Maybe we will get to see them recast Data, or a young Jean Luc…or something else.
Because that Spock worked out great, right? (eyeroll)
It starts out with young Jean Grey being a no good fucking little shit and distracting her parents while driving. Massive head on wreck. It kills both of them and she doesn’t cry or care. She’s unharmed. This movie is going to be pure shit. I can tell.
Professor X shows up and goes hi, I’m professor X. Your parents are dead wanna come live with me? She says okay.
Fast forward from 1975 to 1992. A space shuttle launches and within one second, the acting space shuttle pilots say “Houston we have a problem.” My eyes bug out as I am in awe of something this stupid. “Okay, Houston, we’ve had a problem here” is the actual Apollo 13 quote but hey let’s be fucking lazy. Speaking of lazy, Professor X appears again and decides to intervene.
The X Jet launches into space. Hank Beast Guy even says it’s not made for space. They literally fly into space and it works. I’m sure my car would drive into space just fine!
They save the astronauts and Jean absorbs this red fire storm thing. She’s the Phoenix. I hope she kills everyone and the movie ends.
Mystique argues with Xavier about him exploiting the X-Men for magazine covers. But then she said “Hey women are saving all the men so call it X Women.” That’s a reference to the poisonous SJW atmosphere of 2019. It’ll be remembered in history as being shoved down our throats too much. Women deserve equality. But this whole movie is about a woman lol. And the term “XMen” means humans. Mankind. It’s not saying XMales. That’s probably some website where low-IQ former football players in high school get their dick sucked on camera for $50 and the rest of their life ruined.
Jean has some incidents and then Xavier fucks up again by invading her mind using Cerebro. Earlier in the movie, Cyclops asks Jean why she read his mind without permission. Here, Xavier does so to her. She asks him to stop and he keeps going.
Jean finds out her dad is still alive. She goes and meets him. He looks like a zombie. She can’t sense he hates her even though as a viewer, I can see that. Bbbbuuuuut she’s too strong for Charles. She finally does read his mind. It’s a good scene.
Phoenix kicks all of the X Men ass she can. Then, she kills Mystique. Seems like she’s not really dead though, as it felt like she was about to leave the team and had a future story arc.
Beast goes nuts on X and it’s good. Some really fun scenes as my neigbor slams his doors 434 times before 6:30 AM. He ought to have a bolt screwed into his frontal lobe over that.
From there, Jean fucks up some stuff and intimidated Magneto. She causes mutants to be basically outlawed. Concentration camps! The blonde chick can’t act. Her lines are all cliche. “The only person here afraid of your powers is you.”
I really didn’t enjoy the fight between the mutants and the brotherhood but I did like the fight between the people who were not mutants vs those who were. It was kind of cool at first. Magneto throws baddies in another train car and crushes it. Blonde shows up and defeats him with ease. But it is predictable. Jean turns good and saves the day.
It’s funny because after what might have been the darkest movie ever on film* the movie ends in a bright splosion. Jean killed herself to kill the blonde and hopefully this universe.
Right after she dies, the teen actor playing Cyclops just LUMBERS up to her grave in a rush and shows no emotion. His acting has been a nightmare. He walks up like he’s buying a pack of bubblegum, watch it.
The movie ends with Magneto and James McEvoy’s creepy grinning bald head playing chess or checkers and as the pans up, we see the Space Shuttle Challenger omg #nEverforget oh wait that’s the Phoenix again.
4/10. I hope this means the MCU and Disney get the X-Men now. There are less corny movies on Hallmark. Watch X-Men the last stand and you’ll get a better story with better actors.
I love the new Resident Evil 2 game, which everyone keeps calling Resident Evil 2 Remake. Just call it what it is, RE2. No one is playing the old polygon game ever again. Anyway, the game is pretty fun so of course, everyone on the internet has lost all standards and are letting Capcom by with bullshit again. But I’m not. I’m not tolerating this shit. We’re going through everything wrong about it right now.
The game is WAY too dark. What’s up with this? We have all thought it at times…why is this so dark? Am I going to be able to turn on the lights at some point? No. You aren’t. The entire police station is so fucking dark, you can’t see what is going on around you if you have an LED screen or LCD screen, probably. I’ve spent at least an hour or two adjusting my brightness settings. They come default on the worst setting possible. I really wish Capcom would update this and fix this so I could enjoy the game without scheduling laser eye repair surgery.
The game is short. The game is so short, in fact, they’ve already released several free updates which are the developer’s way of saying “we didn’t do enough.” Now, purists will contend that this game actually is as long as the original RE2. Here’s where there’s a big difference. That game had tank controls. This game has over the shoulder action movie controls and you’re moving much, much faster. You’d run into the same problem with RE1. That’s why part of me was a little let down by the remake being in over the shoulder mode, although I do love it and don’t want to suggest I don’t. Wouldn’t it be neat to have a fixed camera angle mode, though? Props to Capcom for doing what they could to add more replayability with medals and records and stuff. Some idiot with a loud truck is driving down my road at 2 AM. You know they’re an idiot because they’ve modified their vehicle to make more noise and not less. Like imagine a predator in the wild just shouting like a fool as it ran up to gazelle trying to eat them. HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY. Yeah, he’d starve to death. But in The South, these people are lauded as good kids when they wreck and die at 20 from drinking and driving (unless they’re not white).
So far, all the bonus modes suck. They’re HARD time trials. Also, The Fourth Survivor has a lot of bullshit bugs like Mr. X apparently bypassing the blocks in the main hallway to meet you up the stairs if you get ahead of him too far. Don’t do too well! I hate Capcum. Remember Mercenaries, Capdum? Just give us something new! You gave us an OVER THE SHOULDER SHOOTER. THINK.
And while we’re at it, can we please have an ability to put on body armor used by the SWAT zombies that blocks damage to parts of their bodies? That’s so cool.
The timing on when you get up from being attacked is off. It’s totally off. Not only that, but the camera is shaken VIOLENTLY enough to disorient the player. Then, as soon as you are able to get up, you have another zombie already mid-lunge at you. No chance or choice to use your menu. Also, pause disabled. Kind of frustrating, this is.
Claire is UGLY. What were they thinking?
The image on the right was redone by a fan to make Claire look prettier. The one on the left is legitimately the ugliest character I’ve ever seen as a protaganist in a videogame. I won’t be surprised if I get SJW shit for saying this, but that’s an ugly ass woman. Claire Redfield was always HOT in the games and stuff. They made her lips too big/no shape, gave her a recessed jaw, a jagged nose, google eyes, balding eyebrows, and the smile…
Claire’s storyline is also weird and makes no sense. She’s riding a motorcycle in a storm, which would suck. She’s talking to someone, which we never find out who. Apparently, she had a headset on for her cell phone. In 1998. She arrives at a gas station and I don’t want to talk about this part anymore.
Let’s see, what else is there to complain about. They had the audacity to charge $2.99 extra for the original soundtrack while this game is void of content. They’re already selling DLC from day one, too. It’s just new skins for the characters but that justified them selling a deluxe edition, you know.
Weapons don’t cause the correct momentum shift in zombies all of the time. It does a lot of the time but you’ll blast a HOLE into a zombie and he will continue his slow stumble forward without flinching, at times. This makes no sense. The blast of a shotgun will bruise your arm and I guarantee it does a lot more on the other end, especially if it’s tearing a hole through a rotting corpse. I just feel like the player gets shafted here. The average zombie is way faster than you’re used to and can turn on a dime. He will do a 180 worse than my grandma when she’d drive in the rain. Old thing couldn’t drive.
They’ve removed the option to leave stuff behind for yourself in the second playthrough, I noticed. There’s almost no references to the second playthrough in the first except for running into the other character a little. Do you know what would have been INSANE? Giving two human players the option to play as Claire and Leon both at the same time while doing alternate playthroughs and leaving stuff behind for the other. A lot of the stuff is just lazy copy and paste stuff that doesn’t make any sense, though. How would combinations on statues and codes on computers be changed seconds apart from the other protagonist’s experience? I was disappointed to learn I had to collect the damn medals again for Claire, even though Leon already did that. I played as a man first because men would have a better chance to survive due to being stronger. Sorry ladies, but pageant skills, make-up artists, and going to the mall wouldn’t be valuable hobbies in the zombie apocalypse. However, hunting, shooting guns, being a weightlifter, doing martial arts, these would be incredibly useful hobbies to have. You’d have probably 40% of women who would lose all function compared to maybe 10-20% of men. And you know what another useless pass-time would be, ladies? COMPLAINING ON THE INTERNET.
The game is magnificent, of course. I’m telling you the stuff I don’t like because I want it all fixed. Maybe I’ll get my way. Maybe I won’t but I definitely recommend you play this game if you haven’t.
As a bonus, I want to tell you about one of my favorite aspects of this game.
Think about it. A police chief who was paid off by a corporation in a tiny town. Very EASY to see as a possible scenario in real life. But this chief was a real monster, apparently drugging and raping women, murdering people, just being an all around jerk. Leon is a rookie and still wants to believe he’s a good guy when he hears about it from the journalist that gets his head popped.
This is gold! In fact, this is worth exploring more. I hope we get some DLC based on this piece of shit and maybe his rise. Wouldn’t it be cool to experience the fall from his perspective? Sending STARS to the mansion and coordinating with Wesker or whatever.
So, check out Resident Evil 2 but adjust the brightness.
I was recently finished patrolling the rooftops of my neighborhood while looking for crime and decided to watch a Netflix original. The movie is called the Titan and it stars the guy who played Falcone in Batman Begins, who has been eating a lot, as about the dumbest scientist fathomable.
The year is sometime in the future. Planet Earth has been royally fucked because we kept voting for Republicans and a nuclear war broke out. Life as we know it must be evacuated to another planet. We keep hearing this, as our main characters jog through the Hidden Valley on the ranch dressing bottles. None of the devastation has reached our main characters but it’s everywhere else I guess. Speaking of, our main characters are Terminator Salvation guy and always aghast girl. This chick is fucking always speechless about something. It’s really annoying because I’m sitting here like, “Okay, your husband is turning into Prometheus with snake hands.” but she can’t figure it out.
The premise is that since earth is shit, we have to go live somewhere. There’s a moon of Saturn called Titan which is like earth, but it has liquid methane instead of liquid water. It’s totally inhospitable to humans. But, Falcone wants to terraform HUMANS instead of the planet. That’s his sales pitch, anyway. We later learn he’s injecting people with wild animal DNA and it’s making them all pretty much deadly idiots.
The problem I have with it is in this simple thought: if they are physically evolving, why would they mentally DEVOLVE and become stupid animals who throw their wife through the glass while aghast lady just stares with her mouth open?
The movie trots along at first giving you this generic love story with a family who wants to survive this planet’s fate. In a military briefing room, everyone listens to Falcone tell them about the insane plan. IMMEDIATELY, a generic nerd guy objects and says the most basic line ever.
“I’m just not sure about the SCIENCE.”
“Do you have a family? No? Then shut up.”
And that’s the end of that. It was dumb and it made me mad. I canceled my family’s annual Christmas party through text message, I was so upset.
So at first, everyone is just occassionally getting dark veins when they cough. Some of them learn to breathe underwater for 30 minutes. One of the scientists says, “Oxygenation at 4 percent.” You lose consciousness at 80-percent or so, in real life. This creature’s blood cells no longer need oxygen. Then, suddenly, the main character tears his vest off and starts swimming like a FISH! It was funny and ridiculous. I GUESS THEY PUT TEH FISH DNA IN HIM
His wife is just aghast at all of this. She steals a dirty Q-tip he used, which is a hilarious nickname for people with skinny necks long necks and big heads. She takes it to her laboratory, because she’s sCiEnTiSt too, and she inspects it. When she hits the CSI zoom button on her microscope, she see’s black shit moving around. It’s Alien Covenant goo. It may also be Ardus from Star Trek The Next Generation. He’s the cheap ass oil monster that killed Tasha Yar off so she could go star in F movies and show her 4 inch thick bush off in nude photos.
A scene happens where a bunch of military people come in and one of them says, “Get this shit off of my base.” And another says “The United States owns your base.” because I guess the first guy, who spoke in English with no accent and had a lapel pin sized foreign flag on his arm, was a foreign general. Did you hear that, Trump supporters? He was a dirty foreigner. Falcone goes “You can call the secretary of defense on my iPhone” and he slides it across the table. But General Foreign walks out and goes “HUFF.” It’s probably good that he did because the iPhone had been artificially slowed down by Tim Cook so new phones with minimal improvements could be released each year, artificially increasing demand through a process called planned obsolescence.
The guy has to go through some operations if he wants to keep evolving. One of them is to get cat eyes, lol. You think I’m kidding? Another is to instantly change his outer appearance entirely from human to Prometheus creature. He has hand sex with his neighbor. His wife is aghast.
The movie goes off the rails, as they say, at the end. The aghast woman finally acts by impossibly switching memory-erasing medicine with saline in an easy-to-understand briefcase. This was so her husband could murder half of the soldiers guarding him to escape. He runs to his wife, Falcone catches up, all the soldiers surround him, and then…the foreign general (he’s a colonel, we finally hear) turns on Falcone. Wait.
Didn’t this thing just murder half of your troops?
All the soldiers turn their guns on Falcone at the same time, hahaha. This is feeling like a Family Channel Movie. At the end, the family is on a base where they are looking up at the sky. We think it might be earth but it is another planet, apparently. This doesn’t make any sense because they’re alive. They see a larger planet in the sky, fully lit up, while they’re at night. It wouldn’t work that way. Either the large planet would function like a moon, making it daylight, or it would just be a huge black spot in the sky with no stars.
Then, we see the main character. I thought they gave him a 9 inch penis at first but I think that was his hand. It was really dark, though, but I believe that’s because the producers didn’t want anyone to see this movie. He then takes off and he can fly. His body is shaped like a glider so there’s no way he would be able to create an upward draft. All he could do is glide. But nah he can fly. The movie ends with him flying into the camera, haha.
It’s been a while but we are back to finish all of our In Your House review fun. Now, maybe the best one ever: Canadian Stampede.
The open signature is the one I love. “In over 100 countries – in seven different languages…” We begin with everyone wearing ridiculous cowboy hats. There’s no video incorporated into the In Your House set.
Mankind and HHH are continuing their feud, first. Here, we will see a pretty standard and entertaining match that involves Chyna interfering anytime Mankind gets the upper hand. It ends with the two going into the crowd and fighting to a no contest. They’ll continue the feud with a cage match classic at Summerslam.
Someone took a camcorder to record the Calgary Stampede. Bret walks out on a shitty rodeo track and says hi to all the Canadians. His round black glasses are his heel glasses. He wasn’t giving away his mirror wraps anymore.
So Taka Michinoku comes out next and looks absolutely BORED. It’s funny because we all were too when he entered. He will fight the Great Sasuke, who was the promoter that allowed Taka to come to the US. In the middle of this match, these two get crazy. Sasuke does a karate kick off the top rope onto the floor! It’s crazy. Later, Vince calls Taka a “samurai warrior.” The match is great – except for the finish. Sasuke hits a horrid double underhook suplex and Taka doesn’t make any bump noise. The ref quietly counts to three. Vince is acting happy.
So, the WWE title is up next – already. It’s Undertaker vs Vader. Yeah – a main event none of us wanted to see. It was supposed to be Taker vs Ahmed Johnson, who had turned heel after he attacked Taker at King of the Ring. But, you see, Ahmed was an idiot. Still is. So, he injured himself in a segment with DOA when he got too rough. I guess he didn’t know wrestling was fake. So, Vader has to substitute, last minute. But the truth is, that’s probably the saving grace of what would have been a disaster. Paul Bearer cowers behind the ring apron. JR says “Pretty hard to hide when you’re 400 pounds.” King says, “You oughtta know.”
The angle they’re furthering is that Bearer is saying Kane is coming. And he’s calling Taker a “murderer.” Repeatedly. This is significant because it was one of the only times ever, even in the attitude era, that death or murder was mentioned by name. The match is a clusterfuck. It’s decided that it’s a good idea to let massively obese Vader reverse a Tombstone. He just falls on his ass. Taker then chokeslams Vader off of the top rope, but only after they both count to three and Vader builds up a good bouncy rhythm. Undertaker manages a Tombstone, somehow, on big boy. He pins him and wins. They act like no one has ever kicked out of two chokeslams. I’m guessing they had to promise Vader they would make him look strong.
The main event is up next. First, Stu and Helen and the priemer are honored. Stu and Helen get a great ovation. Stone Cold comes out mouthing off to all the Canadians. But man, the Hart Foundation gets the biggest ovation I’ve ever seen. Bret’s is thunderous. With headphones on, it really is probably the loudest ever. On commentary, JR mentions the cameras ringside filming a documentary on Bret Hart’s life. Wrestling With Shadows was the documentary and if not for Montreal, might have been a production few cared about. But, it just so happened to capture and document the events of Bret Hart’s final year in WWF. It’s great. Of course, WWE hates it because Vince is caught lying in it and HHH is caught lying in it to Bret’s wife.
Austin and Bret really kick off the match in what is basically the conclusion to their legendary feud. I love how that Austin does the Million Dollar Dream, like he did at Survivor Series 96, but this time when Bret counters, Austin escapes. The match goes into some really good back and forth stuff between all the people involved. Bruce Hart tries his damndest to get involved. No one has ever sought as much spotlight as Hamil hair Bruce Hart. Looks like John Denver’s hair bleached.
A cool moment exists where Neidhart tags Bret and they do a double team move – sort of a Demolition style finisher. It was acknowledged on commentary by Vince as being shades of the original Hart Foundation. I wish they had done a Hart Attack. Bret and Shamrock go at it and Shamrock grabs Bret’s leg on the ground. They do this spot twice and the second time Bret begs off, I think Shamrock believed him because he just lets him get up. But Ken may have believed Bret was begging off for real since Bret had knee surgery right before then.
This match has the fans so involved. Almost constantly. Bulldog goes for a superplex on Goldust and he lands kind of sideways on his back – instantly grabbing it. I bet that hurt. Austin comes back out after earlier injuries. He and Bret go head to head again. Then Owen comes out and saves Bret from Austin.
Once Austin goes outside, Bruce throws a soda on him again (I think he fucked up and did it twice. I think he wasn’t supposed to do it earlier in the match). Then, to Lawler’s delight, Austin grabs Stu. Hell breaks loose as about 32 men who all look identical to Stu Hart (his kids) all swarm. Bruce jumps over the rail and FALLS. Then, he actually gets a small chant.
In the mayhem, Owen rolls up Austin and, grabbing his asshole, pins him. In an iconic moment, Austin comes back, attacks the entire foundation, and gets handcuffed. He flips them off from behind his back as he’s led out.
“Look at this, McMahon. Stu and Helen are responsible for all of this.” – Jerry “The King” Lawler
I am presently obsessed with Ghostbusters 2, for some strange reason. As a child, this was my favorite movie. I think that’s because it was a bit more kid-friendly than the original Ghostbusters, which is presently my all-time favorite movie. It probably always will be, too. It’s just so good.
Mass Effect Andromeda is the latest disappointment from Electronic Farts. Following the promised conclusion to the “Mass Effect Trilogy,” we of course get another title. Like all these fools who think Sony will suddenly stop making Uncharted games. Or Last of Us games. I knew they weren’t done with this and as expected, they shit out another title set “in another galaxy.” Good way around the excuse that you’re done, except that it’s not and you lied. Continue reading Mass Effect Andromeda fucking sucks→
Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.
The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.
Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie. Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!→
I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields. Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!→
Obviously, I spoil the movie in the review but the fact is, I think Disney spoiled the movie by releasing it. This movie wasn’t good, except for the scene at the end with Dark Helmet.
So the movie begins by making me think a Star Destroyer is swooping in but it was actually a triangular shape of a dust ring. Then some stuff takes place. We meet our main characters and they’re absolute boredom. The only character with any personality is the droid. I can’t tell you what any of their names were (including the droid). Continue reading Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression→
I’m playing Dragon Age Inquisition finally, because it was on sale for what it was worth upon release – like $7. I picked it up and immediately was happy I didn’t pay for this game when it first came out. Two years after it was released, it’s still a piece of shit when you really get down to brass tacks.
My instant, first gripe that comes to mind with this game is the X button (For PS4 users. I hate XBox Ones and you should feel dumb if you bought one). EA and whoever made this mapped almost every command to the X button. Yes. With more buttons than ever before on a controller, some of which are so fucking small, you can’t naturally press them unless you have Mr. Fantastic hands (the Options button, awful). Why did they do this? I don’t know – stupid? Lazy? No beta testers with balls to speak up? Jumping, looting, talking to someone, opening doors, selecting dialogue, fucking a LOT is mapped to this in overlapping ways. You’ll run up to a carcass (sometimes bigger than the thing you destroyed) and you’ll jump instead of looting it, looking like an absolute retard.
Next, the game is overly glitchy. I can’t believe I’m playing a game two years after patches were finished. How fucking bad must this have been before they patched it – since you know they released it with more bugs than it has, now. Environments load up with none of the layers rendered, quite often actually. My character sometimes glitches and can’t move or do actions, requiring me to do a quick travel – minimum. Sometimes, enemies just stand there next to you and fucking do nothing, killing the immersion (Angry Joe). This is all off the top of my head after about a hundred hours of gameplay and I didn’t make a list but yeah, damn, this hurts the game.
Boring ass story? Check. Dragon Age Origins had a fair enough story. This game feels like a cheap knock-off of it, with some more WOW added to it. There’s shit with the Templars and Mages again, OH YOU GOTTA PICK ONE LOL. CHOICES. I’ll get to that in a minute. But I find myself skipping much of the dialogue, thankfully easy to do, because it just drones on and on and on. They try to wedge these little distinct personalities in your companions and your choices will piss them off or make them happy. This is nothing new. We’ve had this for years so I’m not as entertained anymore by repetitive features.
Now, as for the choices in the game, they’re bullshit. I reloaded a save once, chose a different option, and the fucking same line of dialogue played as the one which first played for me under a different choice. You don’t impact this game world nearly as much as you’d like to believe you do.
Also, evidently, it doesn’t make a flying fuck how many agents or people you recruit into the inquisition. Just like with Mass Effect 3, also a shitty EA game, the endings are all reportedly unaffected by your hard work.
Why do game companies do this? How is this a good idea, at all?
The essence of giving me options is different outcomes. If they’re all the same, I never really had any options. It’s like the idea of going to hell for not being gullible enough, ie stupid enough, to believe in a god (in a world of 4,200 fake religions, you think they’re is one real one which requires you to *gasp* suspend your own reasoning and blindly follow it like a lamb? LOL NO. That’s completely senseless, just like this video game is. And yes, clearly, this was just a contrived excuse to go off on religion again. Shut up.
I enjoyed Dragon Age Inquisition but it is lacking in one key trait – quality.
In 2016, nothing comes with quality anymore. Phones blow up in your hands, games are shipped with shitty bugs or just false advertising and the world is all about profit and greed, thanks to capitalism, unchecked by conservatives who are elected by the uneducated population who thinks the “media” is a single, unified entity working against Trump.
Yes, folks. You might not realize it, but decisions on our political level, which affect our economic structure, will eventually trickle-down to impacting the quality of the products you buy, including video games. Stop voting for conservatives, stop making it possible for corporate greed to control our world, and stop making it possible for companies to totally fuck customers (EA) and thrive under that business model.
Or you can vote for people worried about gays getting married, trans people taking a piss, and defending a candidate who bragged about grabbing pussy and then called allegations of him actually doing it a “rigged-system.”
I looked forward to this game for years and GODDAMN if it isn’t another fucking total let down. Even Rebel Galaxy had more to do in it than this piece of shit! Literally, Rebel Galaxy is free for PS Plus this month. Get it and play it instead.
So I thought about ending the review there, since it would be the review-equal to No Man’s Sky – a game with a fun beginning and nothing else. However, unlike the devs for that game, I’m not a lazy liar. You see, the developers of this game actually lied about what was in the game during interviews and promotions. Continue reading No Man’s Sky is a fucking let down→
While it began strong and had me hooked early on, Stranger Things quickly became tedious. The ending was pretty expected and cheeseball. I didn’t like it and let me tell you, I’ve drank a bunch of Tequila.
So, the show starts out strong. Credit given. Four kids quickly become three and they ride around on bicycles being Dungeons and Dragons kids. Someone once told me “Don’t write kids, unless you’re talking about goats.” Well, guess what? I might be talking about goats here. You never know. So one of the four goats gets kidnapped by evil monster dimension. Continue reading Stranger Things got boring for me.→
The Paul Feig 2016 Ghostbusters is so bad, you’d need to watch it four times to get your money’s worth.
Most of the jokes fall flat. Most of the characters suck. Most of the special effects also suck, with a few exceptions. The script was dismal. Who thought this was a good idea? I know who didn’t, ever: me.
Now, out of the amazing list of problems I have with this movie, not one of them involves the cast being all female. I want to point something out though: that was not an original or good idea. The pure-opposite genders across the board make it feel like someone pitched the entire concept in a sentence and didn’t go further. “ALL GIRL GHOSTBUSTERS.” And that’s fine, but why not make it a female-lead Ghostbusters with one or two men on the team, incidental, so it doesn’t feel like what this movie is: a pathetic attack on the male sex.