Solo, a Star Wars Story is the first Star Wars movie to flop at the box office. The reason it flopped is because people are tired of Star Wars and never cared about Han Solo. Continue reading Solo: A Star Wars Story was lousy
I was recently finished patrolling the rooftops of my neighborhood while looking for crime and decided to watch a Netflix original. The movie is called the Titan and it stars the guy who played Falcone in Batman Begins, who has been eating a lot, as about the dumbest scientist fathomable.
The year is sometime in the future. Planet Earth has been royally fucked because we kept voting for Republicans and a nuclear war broke out. Life as we know it must be evacuated to another planet. We keep hearing this, as our main characters jog through the Hidden Valley on the ranch dressing bottles. None of the devastation has reached our main characters but it’s everywhere else I guess. Speaking of, our main characters are Terminator Salvation guy and always aghast girl. This chick is fucking always speechless about something. It’s really annoying because I’m sitting here like, “Okay, your husband is turning into Prometheus with snake hands.” but she can’t figure it out.
The premise is that since earth is shit, we have to go live somewhere. There’s a moon of Saturn called Titan which is like earth, but it has liquid methane instead of liquid water. It’s totally inhospitable to humans. But, Falcone wants to terraform HUMANS instead of the planet. That’s his sales pitch, anyway. We later learn he’s injecting people with wild animal DNA and it’s making them all pretty much deadly idiots.
The problem I have with it is in this simple thought: if they are physically evolving, why would they mentally DEVOLVE and become stupid animals who throw their wife through the glass while aghast lady just stares with her mouth open?
The movie trots along at first giving you this generic love story with a family who wants to survive this planet’s fate. In a military briefing room, everyone listens to Falcone tell them about the insane plan. IMMEDIATELY, a generic nerd guy objects and says the most basic line ever.
“I’m just not sure about the SCIENCE.”
“Do you have a family? No? Then shut up.”
And that’s the end of that. It was dumb and it made me mad. I canceled my family’s annual Christmas party through text message, I was so upset.
So at first, everyone is just occassionally getting dark veins when they cough. Some of them learn to breathe underwater for 30 minutes. One of the scientists says, “Oxygenation at 4 percent.” You lose consciousness at 80-percent or so, in real life. This creature’s blood cells no longer need oxygen. Then, suddenly, the main character tears his vest off and starts swimming like a FISH! It was funny and ridiculous. I GUESS THEY PUT TEH FISH DNA IN HIM
His wife is just aghast at all of this. She steals a dirty Q-tip he used, which is a hilarious nickname for people with skinny necks long necks and big heads. She takes it to her laboratory, because she’s sCiEnTiSt too, and she inspects it. When she hits the CSI zoom button on her microscope, she see’s black shit moving around. It’s Alien Covenant goo. It may also be Ardus from Star Trek The Next Generation. He’s the cheap ass oil monster that killed Tasha Yar off so she could go star in F movies and show her 4 inch thick bush off in nude photos.
A scene happens where a bunch of military people come in and one of them says, “Get this shit off of my base.” And another says “The United States owns your base.” because I guess the first guy, who spoke in English with no accent and had a lapel pin sized foreign flag on his arm, was a foreign general. Did you hear that, Trump supporters? He was a dirty foreigner. Falcone goes “You can call the secretary of defense on my iPhone” and he slides it across the table. But General Foreign walks out and goes “HUFF.” It’s probably good that he did because the iPhone had been artificially slowed down by Tim Cook so new phones with minimal improvements could be released each year, artificially increasing demand through a process called planned obsolescence.
The guy has to go through some operations if he wants to keep evolving. One of them is to get cat eyes, lol. You think I’m kidding? Another is to instantly change his outer appearance entirely from human to Prometheus creature. He has hand sex with his neighbor. His wife is aghast.
The movie goes off the rails, as they say, at the end. The aghast woman finally acts by impossibly switching memory-erasing medicine with saline in an easy-to-understand briefcase. This was so her husband could murder half of the soldiers guarding him to escape. He runs to his wife, Falcone catches up, all the soldiers surround him, and then…the foreign general (he’s a colonel, we finally hear) turns on Falcone. Wait.
Didn’t this thing just murder half of your troops?
All the soldiers turn their guns on Falcone at the same time, hahaha. This is feeling like a Family Channel Movie. At the end, the family is on a base where they are looking up at the sky. We think it might be earth but it is another planet, apparently. This doesn’t make any sense because they’re alive. They see a larger planet in the sky, fully lit up, while they’re at night. It wouldn’t work that way. Either the large planet would function like a moon, making it daylight, or it would just be a huge black spot in the sky with no stars.
Then, we see the main character. I thought they gave him a 9 inch penis at first but I think that was his hand. It was really dark, though, but I believe that’s because the producers didn’t want anyone to see this movie. He then takes off and he can fly. His body is shaped like a glider so there’s no way he would be able to create an upward draft. All he could do is glide. But nah he can fly. The movie ends with him flying into the camera, haha.
2/10 and a waste of my time.
It’s been a while but we are back to finish all of our In Your House review fun. Now, maybe the best one ever: Canadian Stampede.
The open signature is the one I love. “In over 100 countries – in seven different languages…” We begin with everyone wearing ridiculous cowboy hats. There’s no video incorporated into the In Your House set.
Mankind and HHH are continuing their feud, first. Here, we will see a pretty standard and entertaining match that involves Chyna interfering anytime Mankind gets the upper hand. It ends with the two going into the crowd and fighting to a no contest. They’ll continue the feud with a cage match classic at Summerslam.
Someone took a camcorder to record the Calgary Stampede. Bret walks out on a shitty rodeo track and says hi to all the Canadians. His round black glasses are his heel glasses. He wasn’t giving away his mirror wraps anymore.
So Taka Michinoku comes out next and looks absolutely BORED. It’s funny because we all were too when he entered. He will fight the Great Sasuke, who was the promoter that allowed Taka to come to the US. In the middle of this match, these two get crazy. Sasuke does a karate kick off the top rope onto the floor! It’s crazy. Later, Vince calls Taka a “samurai warrior.” The match is great – except for the finish. Sasuke hits a horrid double underhook suplex and Taka doesn’t make any bump noise. The ref quietly counts to three. Vince is acting happy.
So, the WWE title is up next – already. It’s Undertaker vs Vader. Yeah – a main event none of us wanted to see. It was supposed to be Taker vs Ahmed Johnson, who had turned heel after he attacked Taker at King of the Ring. But, you see, Ahmed was an idiot. Still is. So, he injured himself in a segment with DOA when he got too rough. I guess he didn’t know wrestling was fake. So, Vader has to substitute, last minute. But the truth is, that’s probably the saving grace of what would have been a disaster. Paul Bearer cowers behind the ring apron. JR says “Pretty hard to hide when you’re 400 pounds.” King says, “You oughtta know.”
The angle they’re furthering is that Bearer is saying Kane is coming. And he’s calling Taker a “murderer.” Repeatedly. This is significant because it was one of the only times ever, even in the attitude era, that death or murder was mentioned by name. The match is a clusterfuck. It’s decided that it’s a good idea to let massively obese Vader reverse a Tombstone. He just falls on his ass. Taker then chokeslams Vader off of the top rope, but only after they both count to three and Vader builds up a good bouncy rhythm. Undertaker manages a Tombstone, somehow, on big boy. He pins him and wins. They act like no one has ever kicked out of two chokeslams. I’m guessing they had to promise Vader they would make him look strong.
The main event is up next. First, Stu and Helen and the priemer are honored. Stu and Helen get a great ovation. Stone Cold comes out mouthing off to all the Canadians. But man, the Hart Foundation gets the biggest ovation I’ve ever seen. Bret’s is thunderous. With headphones on, it really is probably the loudest ever. On commentary, JR mentions the cameras ringside filming a documentary on Bret Hart’s life. Wrestling With Shadows was the documentary and if not for Montreal, might have been a production few cared about. But, it just so happened to capture and document the events of Bret Hart’s final year in WWF. It’s great. Of course, WWE hates it because Vince is caught lying in it and HHH is caught lying in it to Bret’s wife.
Austin and Bret really kick off the match in what is basically the conclusion to their legendary feud. I love how that Austin does the Million Dollar Dream, like he did at Survivor Series 96, but this time when Bret counters, Austin escapes. The match goes into some really good back and forth stuff between all the people involved. Bruce Hart tries his damndest to get involved. No one has ever sought as much spotlight as Hamil hair Bruce Hart. Looks like John Denver’s hair bleached.
A cool moment exists where Neidhart tags Bret and they do a double team move – sort of a Demolition style finisher. It was acknowledged on commentary by Vince as being shades of the original Hart Foundation. I wish they had done a Hart Attack. Bret and Shamrock go at it and Shamrock grabs Bret’s leg on the ground. They do this spot twice and the second time Bret begs off, I think Shamrock believed him because he just lets him get up. But Ken may have believed Bret was begging off for real since Bret had knee surgery right before then.
This match has the fans so involved. Almost constantly. Bulldog goes for a superplex on Goldust and he lands kind of sideways on his back – instantly grabbing it. I bet that hurt. Austin comes back out after earlier injuries. He and Bret go head to head again. Then Owen comes out and saves Bret from Austin.
Once Austin goes outside, Bruce throws a soda on him again (I think he fucked up and did it twice. I think he wasn’t supposed to do it earlier in the match). Then, to Lawler’s delight, Austin grabs Stu. Hell breaks loose as about 32 men who all look identical to Stu Hart (his kids) all swarm. Bruce jumps over the rail and FALLS. Then, he actually gets a small chant.
In the mayhem, Owen rolls up Austin and, grabbing his asshole, pins him. In an iconic moment, Austin comes back, attacks the entire foundation, and gets handcuffed. He flips them off from behind his back as he’s led out.
“Look at this, McMahon. Stu and Helen are responsible for all of this.” – Jerry “The King” Lawler
Unfortunately, the worst thing possible in the universe to come out of the mouth of a business owner that named the business after himself happened this Summer to Papa John’s.
He said the N-word on a conference call with executives of his company and a marketing agency.
I am trying to figure out how we arrived here. Fallout 4 was an incredible and memorable experience because of how fun it was. Fallout 76 is incredible and memorable, too – because of what a huge piece of shit it is. Continue reading Someone needs to be sued over Fallout 76
I am presently obsessed with Ghostbusters 2, for some strange reason. As a child, this was my favorite movie. I think that’s because it was a bit more kid-friendly than the original Ghostbusters, which is presently my all-time favorite movie. It probably always will be, too. It’s just so good.
Show begins with Picard kicking a crewman’s ass at fencing. Suddenly, time begins to loop. Jean Luc is so bad ass, he doesn’t panic at all. He calls the bridge and goes to work. I love him. Continue reading Review: We’ll Always Have Paris (Star Trek The Next Generation)
Mass Effect Andromeda is the latest disappointment from Electronic Farts. Following the promised conclusion to the “Mass Effect Trilogy,” we of course get another title. Like all these fools who think Sony will suddenly stop making Uncharted games. Or Last of Us games. I knew they weren’t done with this and as expected, they shit out another title set “in another galaxy.” Good way around the excuse that you’re done, except that it’s not and you lied. Continue reading Mass Effect Andromeda fucking sucks
Oh yes! Finally, I feel like my search has paid off and a good movie has come across my screen. It is the latest Tim Burton movie and leave it to him to come up with something delightful, rich, not too serious and very rewarding.
The movie is about the kid from Ender’s Game, a little older now, who has a cool relationship with his grandpa. One day, though, just like will eventually happen to all of us, his grandpa gets old and gets his eyeballs plucked out, then dies. So Ender’s Game ends up on a mission, against his stupid dad’s will, to visit this old house for kids in Wales. When he gets there, it’s been bombed by the Nazi’s in an event you might have heard of called the Revolutionary War.
Now, my one complaint with the movie came around this time, where this psychiatrist actually suggested a reluctant father take his grieving child overseas. However, the child DID kinda see a fucking monster. This was slightly unbelievable to me, but it wasn’t that bad. I should point out, I was still very skeptical at this stage of the movie. Continue reading Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children fucking rocked!
I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields. Continue reading Passengers was STUPID!
Obviously, I spoil the movie in the review but the fact is, I think Disney spoiled the movie by releasing it. This movie wasn’t good, except for the scene at the end with Dark Helmet.
So the movie begins by making me think a Star Destroyer is swooping in but it was actually a triangular shape of a dust ring. Then some stuff takes place. We meet our main characters and they’re absolute boredom. The only character with any personality is the droid. I can’t tell you what any of their names were (including the droid). Continue reading Rogue One: A Star Wars Story gave me depression
I’m playing Dragon Age Inquisition finally, because it was on sale for what it was worth upon release – like $7. I picked it up and immediately was happy I didn’t pay for this game when it first came out. Two years after it was released, it’s still a piece of shit when you really get down to brass tacks.
My instant, first gripe that comes to mind with this game is the X button (For PS4 users. I hate XBox Ones and you should feel dumb if you bought one). EA and whoever made this mapped almost every command to the X button. Yes. With more buttons than ever before on a controller, some of which are so fucking small, you can’t naturally press them unless you have Mr. Fantastic hands (the Options button, awful). Why did they do this? I don’t know – stupid? Lazy? No beta testers with balls to speak up? Jumping, looting, talking to someone, opening doors, selecting dialogue, fucking a LOT is mapped to this in overlapping ways. You’ll run up to a carcass (sometimes bigger than the thing you destroyed) and you’ll jump instead of looting it, looking like an absolute retard.
Next, the game is overly glitchy. I can’t believe I’m playing a game two years after patches were finished. How fucking bad must this have been before they patched it – since you know they released it with more bugs than it has, now. Environments load up with none of the layers rendered, quite often actually. My character sometimes glitches and can’t move or do actions, requiring me to do a quick travel – minimum. Sometimes, enemies just stand there next to you and fucking do nothing, killing the immersion (Angry Joe). This is all off the top of my head after about a hundred hours of gameplay and I didn’t make a list but yeah, damn, this hurts the game.
Boring ass story? Check. Dragon Age Origins had a fair enough story. This game feels like a cheap knock-off of it, with some more WOW added to it. There’s shit with the Templars and Mages again, OH YOU GOTTA PICK ONE LOL. CHOICES. I’ll get to that in a minute. But I find myself skipping much of the dialogue, thankfully easy to do, because it just drones on and on and on. They try to wedge these little distinct personalities in your companions and your choices will piss them off or make them happy. This is nothing new. We’ve had this for years so I’m not as entertained anymore by repetitive features.
Now, as for the choices in the game, they’re bullshit. I reloaded a save once, chose a different option, and the fucking same line of dialogue played as the one which first played for me under a different choice. You don’t impact this game world nearly as much as you’d like to believe you do.
Also, evidently, it doesn’t make a flying fuck how many agents or people you recruit into the inquisition. Just like with Mass Effect 3, also a shitty EA game, the endings are all reportedly unaffected by your hard work.
Why do game companies do this? How is this a good idea, at all?
The essence of giving me options is different outcomes. If they’re all the same, I never really had any options. It’s like the idea of going to hell for not being gullible enough, ie stupid enough, to believe in a god (in a world of 4,200 fake religions, you think they’re is one real one which requires you to *gasp* suspend your own reasoning and blindly follow it like a lamb? LOL NO. That’s completely senseless, just like this video game is. And yes, clearly, this was just a contrived excuse to go off on religion again. Shut up.
I enjoyed Dragon Age Inquisition but it is lacking in one key trait – quality.
In 2016, nothing comes with quality anymore. Phones blow up in your hands, games are shipped with shitty bugs or just false advertising and the world is all about profit and greed, thanks to capitalism, unchecked by conservatives who are elected by the uneducated population who thinks the “media” is a single, unified entity working against Trump.
Yes, folks. You might not realize it, but decisions on our political level, which affect our economic structure, will eventually trickle-down to impacting the quality of the products you buy, including video games. Stop voting for conservatives, stop making it possible for corporate greed to control our world, and stop making it possible for companies to totally fuck customers (EA) and thrive under that business model.
Or you can vote for people worried about gays getting married, trans people taking a piss, and defending a candidate who bragged about grabbing pussy and then called allegations of him actually doing it a “rigged-system.”
Fuck this game. 6/10
I looked forward to this game for years and GODDAMN if it isn’t another fucking total let down. Even Rebel Galaxy had more to do in it than this piece of shit! Literally, Rebel Galaxy is free for PS Plus this month. Get it and play it instead.
So I thought about ending the review there, since it would be the review-equal to No Man’s Sky – a game with a fun beginning and nothing else. However, unlike the devs for that game, I’m not a lazy liar. You see, the developers of this game actually lied about what was in the game during interviews and promotions. Continue reading No Man’s Sky is a fucking let down
While it began strong and had me hooked early on, Stranger Things quickly became tedious. The ending was pretty expected and cheeseball. I didn’t like it and let me tell you, I’ve drank a bunch of Tequila.
So, the show starts out strong. Credit given. Four kids quickly become three and they ride around on bicycles being Dungeons and Dragons kids. Someone once told me “Don’t write kids, unless you’re talking about goats.” Well, guess what? I might be talking about goats here. You never know. So one of the four goats gets kidnapped by evil monster dimension. Continue reading Stranger Things got boring for me.
The movie Suicide Squad should have been something of a wonder. It should have been dark, possibly rated R or at least a DEEP PG-13, with twisted elements, a different tone and risks. Lots of risks.
Instead, it’s a shitty Guardians of the Galaxy rip-off. Continue reading Suicide Squad – A title containing what I’d rather do than watch this again
The Paul Feig 2016 Ghostbusters is so bad, you’d need to watch it four times to get your money’s worth.
Most of the jokes fall flat. Most of the characters suck. Most of the special effects also suck, with a few exceptions. The script was dismal. Who thought this was a good idea? I know who didn’t, ever: me.
Now, out of the amazing list of problems I have with this movie, not one of them involves the cast being all female. I want to point something out though: that was not an original or good idea. The pure-opposite genders across the board make it feel like someone pitched the entire concept in a sentence and didn’t go further. “ALL GIRL GHOSTBUSTERS.” And that’s fine, but why not make it a female-lead Ghostbusters with one or two men on the team, incidental, so it doesn’t feel like what this movie is: a pathetic attack on the male sex.
Allow me to explain… Continue reading Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.
Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?
However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.
We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions. Continue reading Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable
Star Trek Into Darkness was horrible. This movie opens with Spock and Kirk violating the prime directive to save and indigenous species while worried about violating the prime directive by revealing themselves to the indigenous species.
Since the characters suck, Uhura kisses Spock and makes sure we know she loves him before he heads down to the planet. Continue reading Star Trek Into Darkness was bad and you know it
Want to see a bunch of superheros fight in a manufactured way? Get ready because The Avengers: Civil War is the newest Marvel movie to cash in, I mean, milk the franchise, I mean, to make your dreams come true.
I went into Hardcore Henry hoping for something unique and different and exciting but all I got was motion sickness and a headache.