Category Archives: Video Games

I can’t see anything in Resident Evil 2 Remake

I love the new Resident Evil 2 game, which everyone keeps calling Resident Evil 2 Remake. Just call it what it is, RE2. No one is playing the old polygon game ever again. Anyway, the game is pretty fun so of course, everyone on the internet has lost all standards and are letting Capcom by with bullshit again. But I’m not. I’m not tolerating this shit. We’re going through everything wrong about it right now.

The game is WAY too dark. What’s up with this? We have all thought it at times…why is this so dark? Am I going to be able to turn on the lights at some point? No. You aren’t. The entire police station is so fucking dark, you can’t see what is going on around you if you have an LED screen or LCD screen, probably. I’ve spent at least an hour or two adjusting my brightness settings. They come default on the worst setting possible. I really wish Capcom would update this and fix this so I could enjoy the game without scheduling laser eye repair surgery.

The game is short. The game is so short, in fact, they’ve already released several free updates which are the developer’s way of saying “we didn’t do enough.” Now, purists will contend that this game actually is as long as the original RE2. Here’s where there’s a big difference. That game had tank controls. This game has over the shoulder action movie controls and you’re moving much, much faster. You’d run into the same problem with RE1. That’s why part of me was a little let down by the remake being in over the shoulder mode, although I do love it and don’t want to suggest I don’t. Wouldn’t it be neat to have a fixed camera angle mode, though? Props to Capcom for doing what they could to add more replayability with medals and records and stuff. Some idiot with a loud truck is driving down my road at 2 AM. You know they’re an idiot because they’ve modified their vehicle to make more noise and not less. Like imagine a predator in the wild just shouting like a fool as it ran up to gazelle trying to eat them. HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY. Yeah, he’d starve to death. But in The South, these people are lauded as good kids when they wreck and die at 20 from drinking and driving (unless they’re not white).

So far, all the bonus modes suck. They’re HARD time trials. Also, The Fourth Survivor has a lot of bullshit bugs like Mr. X apparently bypassing the blocks in the main hallway to meet you up the stairs if you get ahead of him too far. Don’t do too well! I hate Capcum. Remember Mercenaries, Capdum? Just give us something new! You gave us an OVER THE SHOULDER SHOOTER. THINK.

And while we’re at it, can we please have an ability to put on body armor used by the SWAT zombies that blocks damage to parts of their bodies? That’s so cool.

The timing on when you get up from being attacked is off. It’s totally off. Not only that, but the camera is shaken VIOLENTLY enough to disorient the player. Then, as soon as you are able to get up, you have another zombie already mid-lunge at you. No chance or choice to use your menu. Also, pause disabled. Kind of frustrating, this is.

Claire is UGLY. What were they thinking?

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Which one of these is prettier? Let me give you a hint: the one Capcom didn’t make.

The image on the right was redone by a fan to make Claire look prettier. The one on the left is legitimately the ugliest character I’ve ever seen as a protaganist in a videogame. I won’t be surprised if I get SJW shit for saying this, but that’s an ugly ass woman. Claire Redfield was always HOT in the games and stuff. They made her lips too big/no shape, gave her a recessed jaw, a jagged nose, google eyes, balding eyebrows, and the smile…

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I’ve seen crackheads at the gas station who look like this.
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Actual Claire from the original game cut scene. Looks far better than inbred Claire. 
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WILBURRR

Claire’s storyline is also weird and makes no sense. She’s riding a motorcycle in a storm, which would suck. She’s talking to someone, which we never find out who. Apparently, she had a headset on for her cell phone. In 1998. She arrives at a gas station and I don’t want to talk about this part anymore.

Let’s see, what else is there to complain about. They had the audacity to charge $2.99 extra for the original soundtrack while this game is void of content. They’re already selling DLC from day one, too. It’s just new skins for the characters but that justified them selling a deluxe edition, you know.

Weapons don’t cause the correct momentum shift in zombies all of the time. It does a lot of the time but you’ll blast a HOLE into a zombie and he will continue his slow stumble forward without flinching, at times. This makes no sense. The blast of a shotgun will bruise your arm and I guarantee it does a lot more on the other end, especially if it’s tearing a hole through a rotting corpse. I just feel like the player gets shafted here. The average zombie is way faster than you’re used to and can turn on a dime. He will do a 180 worse than my grandma when she’d drive in the rain. Old thing couldn’t drive.

They’ve removed the option to leave stuff behind for yourself in the second playthrough, I noticed. There’s almost no references to the second playthrough in the first except for running into the other character a little. Do you know what would have been INSANE? Giving two human players the option to play as Claire and Leon both at the same time while doing alternate playthroughs and leaving stuff behind for the other. A lot of the stuff is just lazy copy and paste stuff that doesn’t make any sense, though. How would combinations on statues and codes on computers be changed seconds apart from the other protagonist’s experience? I was disappointed to learn I had to collect the damn medals again for Claire, even though Leon already did that. I played as a man first because men would have a better chance to survive due to being stronger. Sorry ladies, but pageant skills, make-up artists, and going to the mall wouldn’t be valuable hobbies in the zombie apocalypse. However, hunting, shooting guns, being a weightlifter, doing martial arts, these would be incredibly useful hobbies to have. You’d have probably 40% of women who would lose all function compared to maybe 10-20% of men. And you know what another useless pass-time would be, ladies? COMPLAINING ON THE INTERNET.

The game is magnificent, of course. I’m telling you the stuff I don’t like because I want it all fixed. Maybe I’ll get my way. Maybe I won’t but I definitely recommend you play this game if you haven’t.

As a bonus, I want to tell you about one of my favorite aspects of this game.

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Think about it. A police chief who was paid off by a corporation in a tiny town. Very EASY to see as a possible scenario in real life. But this chief was a real monster, apparently drugging and raping women, murdering people, just being an all around jerk. Leon is a rookie and still wants to believe he’s a good guy when he hears about it from the journalist that gets his head popped.

This is gold! In fact, this is worth exploring more. I hope we get some DLC based on this piece of shit and maybe his rise. Wouldn’t it be cool to experience the fall from his perspective? Sending STARS to the mansion and coordinating with Wesker or whatever.


So, check out Resident Evil 2 but adjust the brightness.

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Someone needs to be sued over Fallout 76

I am trying to figure out how we arrived here. Fallout 4 was an incredible and memorable experience because of how fun it was. Fallout 76 is incredible and memorable, too – because of what a huge piece of shit it is. Continue reading Someone needs to be sued over Fallout 76

Mass Effect Andromeda fucking sucks

This helmet looks stupid. Why would you need to look out of your crown?

Mass Effect Andromeda is the latest disappointment from Electronic Farts. Following the promised conclusion to the “Mass Effect Trilogy,” we of course get another title. Like all these fools who think Sony will suddenly stop making Uncharted games. Or Last of Us games. I knew they weren’t done with this and as expected, they shit out another title set “in another galaxy.” Good way around the excuse that you’re done, except that it’s not and you lied. Continue reading Mass Effect Andromeda fucking sucks

Dragon Age Inquisition is highly overrated

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I’m playing Dragon Age Inquisition finally, because it was on sale for what it was worth upon release – like $7. I picked it up and immediately was happy I didn’t pay for this game when it first came out. Two years after it was released, it’s still a piece of shit when you really get down to brass tacks.

My instant, first gripe that comes to mind with this game is the X button (For PS4 users. I hate XBox Ones and you should feel dumb if you bought one). EA and whoever made this mapped almost every command to the X button. Yes. With more buttons than ever before on a controller, some of which are so fucking small, you can’t naturally press them unless you have Mr. Fantastic hands (the Options button, awful). Why did they do this? I don’t know – stupid? Lazy? No beta testers with balls to speak up? Jumping, looting, talking to someone, opening doors, selecting dialogue, fucking a LOT is mapped to this in overlapping ways. You’ll run up to a carcass (sometimes bigger than the thing you destroyed) and you’ll jump instead of looting it, looking like an absolute retard.

Next, the game is overly glitchy. I can’t believe I’m playing a game two years after patches were finished. How fucking bad must this have been before they patched it – since you know they released it with more bugs than it has, now. Environments load up with none of the layers rendered, quite often actually. My character sometimes glitches and can’t move or do actions, requiring me to do a quick travel – minimum. Sometimes, enemies just stand there next to you and fucking do nothing, killing the immersion (Angry Joe). This is all off the top of my head after about a hundred hours of gameplay and I didn’t make a list but yeah, damn, this hurts the game.

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Boring ass story? Check. Dragon Age Origins had a fair enough story. This game feels like a cheap knock-off of it, with some more WOW added to it. There’s shit with the Templars and Mages again, OH YOU GOTTA PICK ONE LOL. CHOICES. I’ll get to that in a minute. But I find myself skipping much of the dialogue, thankfully easy to do, because it just drones on and on and on. They try to wedge these little distinct personalities in your companions and your choices will piss them off or make them happy. This is nothing new. We’ve had this for years so I’m not as entertained anymore by repetitive features.

Now, as for the choices in the game, they’re bullshit. I reloaded a save once, chose a different option, and the fucking same line of dialogue played as the one which first played for me under a different choice. You don’t impact this game world nearly as much as you’d like to believe you do.

Also, evidently, it doesn’t make a flying fuck how many agents or people you recruit into the inquisition. Just like with Mass Effect 3, also a shitty EA game, the endings are all reportedly unaffected by your hard work.

Why do game companies do this? How is this a good idea, at all?

The essence of giving me options is different outcomes. If they’re all the same, I never really had any options. It’s like the idea of going to hell for not being gullible enough, ie stupid enough, to believe in a god (in a world of 4,200 fake religions, you think they’re is one real one which requires you to *gasp* suspend your own reasoning and blindly follow it like a lamb? LOL NO. That’s completely senseless, just like this video game is. And yes, clearly, this was just a contrived excuse to go off on religion again. Shut up.

I enjoyed Dragon Age Inquisition but it is lacking in one key trait – quality.

In 2016, nothing comes with quality anymore. Phones blow up in your hands, games are shipped with shitty bugs or just false advertising and the world is all about profit and greed, thanks to capitalism, unchecked by conservatives who are elected by the uneducated population who thinks the “media” is a single, unified entity working against Trump.

Yes, folks. You might not realize it, but decisions on our political level, which affect our economic structure, will eventually trickle-down to impacting the quality of the products you buy, including video games. Stop voting for conservatives, stop making it possible for corporate greed to control our world, and stop making it possible for companies to totally fuck customers (EA) and thrive under that business model.

Or you can vote for people worried about gays getting married, trans people taking a piss, and defending a candidate who bragged about grabbing pussy and then called allegations of him actually doing it a “rigged-system.”

Fuck this game. 6/10

No Man’s Sky is a fucking let down

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I looked forward to this game for years and GODDAMN if it isn’t another fucking total let down. Even Rebel Galaxy had more to do in it than this piece of shit! Literally, Rebel Galaxy is free for PS Plus this month. Get it and play it instead.

So I thought about ending the review there, since it would be the review-equal to No Man’s Sky – a game with a fun beginning and nothing else. However, unlike the devs for that game, I’m not a lazy liar. You see, the developers of this game actually lied about what was in the game during interviews and promotions.  Continue reading No Man’s Sky is a fucking let down

Crazy Market for PS Vita is trash.

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Even though Crazy Market for the Vita is free, it’s still a rip-off. It rips you off by lessening your trophy completion, because no one in their right mind will ever want to play this more than once. It sucks. I’ll tell you why for a second and then I’m going to go shit.

Continue reading Crazy Market for PS Vita is trash.

Complaints about Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.

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Greetings and salutations, fuckers. Once again, I am here to play devil’s advocate…fuck it, I’m playing the devil himself. Metal Gear Solid V is a bad ass game, there is no question about it. However, to see people have such low standards as to rate it a 10/10 is just tiresome. When will that shit stop? When will people stop that? I guess when you give shitty games 8/10, and a decent one comes out, you have to do something to make it stand out but this tactic is both dishonest and inconsiderate. This game is a 9/10, at the MOST. Here are my complaints, which are more than enough to qualify for a game to be considered FAR from perfect.


Buttons don’t work sometimes and it ignores presses or won’t show the prompt you need.

The horse fucking sucks and gets stuck or stopped by everything. Gun for 360 had a better horse. I hate this horse. I named mine Glue.

Long distances don’t like to render and it looks like shit.

Continue reading Complaints about Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.

Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number is fucking wicked

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Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number is the sequel to the top-down murder game with shit graphics of the same name. This game is too hard for simple people but it’s bad ass and rewarding. I like it.

I decided to use my Vita to play the game. I felt like that gave me a more close-view and control of what was going on. You will be replaying levels thousands of times but since it involves bloody brutal murder, it somehow gets old less than it sounds like it would. With that said, this game has about an hour play-limit for me before I have to put it down and go kick a Pomeranian. It will tire you.

Continue reading Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number is fucking wicked

I love Dungeon Boss

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Dungeon Boss is fucking badass. I love it. It’s for Apple and Android.

What’s the most fun part of an RPG? Boss battles, managing stats, upgrading your characters. Dungeon Boss takes the best parts of a dungeon RPG and presents them in a very beautiful package.

You control a team of heroes you must summon. You can have up to four at once and the combinations are endless. Strategies really do get developed by just testing and playing. How well will Nitpick work with Fuckface or whatever another one’s name is? Unlocking people and putting them to the test is half of the fun.

Continue reading I love Dungeon Boss

To anyone involved in Superman 64 – fuck you forever.

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I wasn’t that old. I was a big Superman fan from an early age. Superman 64 comes out and I get it and what am I treated to? The most broken videogame I ever played up until that time, arguably since too. $60 – flushed.

At first, it almost seemed fun because you could fly around and that’s literally IT. That’s where the fun ended. You had to fly through stupid race-courses in the air. That’s what I want to do, play a time-trial/racing game. How did you guys guess? Psychic fucks.

Continue reading To anyone involved in Superman 64 – fuck you forever.

Batman: Arkham Knight is a fantastic game that still sucks a little.

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Batman: Arkham Knight is an experience all gamers and Batman fans owe it to themselves to enjoy. The game rocks, has such a deep atmosphere and perfectly captures the Batmobile. But it still sucks in some ways and I’m here to point that out.

Continue reading Batman: Arkham Knight is a fantastic game that still sucks a little.

Final Fantasy Record Keeper is a treat for fans on mobile.

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Final Fantasy Record Keeper is an original game for mobile and tablet devices featuring Final Fantasy characters. I wish I had known about this game from day one because it is fucking AWESOME.

Continue reading Final Fantasy Record Keeper is a treat for fans on mobile.

Batman: Arkham Knight: Things that fucking suck

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Batman Arkham Knight is the next-gen Rocksteady conclusion do the Arkham series…or so we are led to believe. Anyway, the game is pretty fun but has a lot of technical problems that only I, the Riddler…I mean, the Critic can do justice to in an article.

Continue reading Batman: Arkham Knight: Things that fucking suck

Fallout Shelter is a lot of fun; needs work though.

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Bethesda shocked everyone at E3 by doing something really bad ass this year – revealing a game we didn’t know about and releasing it RIGHT THEN on the App Store. Fucking sweet! It is called Fallout Shelter and the game is a blast.

Imagine what it would be like to be an overseer of your very own vault. Now you can. Fallout Shelter is a vault simulator that gives you the power to create and design your very own Vault from the Fallout universe. For those that are unaware, Fallout is a universe where Mike Huckabee was elected President and started nuclear war with Russia over a make-believe god from the Bible that never really existed. The entire world is destroyed and a few survivors must exist in what is left – practically described as hell on earth.

Continue reading Fallout Shelter is a lot of fun; needs work though.

I hated WWF Warzone.

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Hello fuckers. Remembering back to the late 1990s, WWF didn’t have many video game options. At one point, WCW was killing them on consoles with WCW/nWo Revenge, World Tour, Nitro, and some others. Meanwhile, WWF had the shitty Wrestlemania Arcade Game no one wanted. Oh, don’t forget about the sequel to it no one remembers – In Your House. Acclaim had produced some flushers but finally seemed to be ready to give us an actual wrestling title…Warzone.

It sucked.

Continue reading I hated WWF Warzone.

Resident Evil 4 – Masterpiece in gaming.

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The greatest Gamecube game released was Resident Evil 4. It was also one of the greatest games ever released and was the best Resident Evil game, by a fucking mile.

Continue reading Resident Evil 4 – Masterpiece in gaming.

EA UFC Mobile sucks but has some fun moments.

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EA UFC Mobile is really fun sometimes but it’s full of bugs and has shitty tap detection.

(Jon Jones was all over the branding of the game but has since been removed because he ran over a woman while smoking weed. Something like that.)

Continue reading EA UFC Mobile sucks but has some fun moments.

Sorcery! 3 is pretty bad ass – but complicated!

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Sorcery! 3 is a new game for mobile platforms from inkle, the makers of 80 Days. That was a badass game based on a little book you might have heard of, by Jules Verne…

 

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So this game is based on a running series by the name that features magic, dragons, and magic dragons. You get to walk around on a neatly styled old timey map with an almost game-board piece character and make choices. However, you also engage in battles where you must carefully choose how much of an attack to lay against an enemy, depending on their defense and offense.

Continue reading Sorcery! 3 is pretty bad ass – but complicated!

Pocket Mine 2 is actually kind of fun

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I’m not going to ooh and ahh all over Pocket Mine 2 but I have a strange affinity for mining games and can’t explain it. They make 100% no sense and are nothing like mining but I still like the simplicity and fun of the genre. Pocket Mine 2 does an OK job with that, with a few complaints.

Continue reading Pocket Mine 2 is actually kind of fun