I hate 3D movies because most of the 3D scenes are typically forced and obvious. But these shitty movies didn’t just recently begin. 3D had a phase in the 80s too. When it came time to make a new Friday the 13th, 3 had to be 3D.

A girl barricades herself in a shitty room as Jason tries to get in with an axe. Horror movies don’t usually start with an ending but that’s how this one will be. The girl fools Jason by pretending to be his mom. Jason can’t tell the difference between his mom and a hot girl in her 20s, so we can safely assume he’s retarded. Her plan backfires but she ends up sticking a machete into his neck/shoulder area. Jason pulls the machete out as they leave and begins to crawl.

A lousy grocery store family sees the murder stuff on the news and we start hearing creepy music. The Cheech-looking male finds several rabbits killed in their pen. He assumes it must be a person, as he asks aloud “Who would do something like this?” before the rabbit he was holding can answer, a simply revolutionary special effect shot occurs with a snake jumping at the camera. See if you can spot the wire.

Jason kills Harold with a hatchet and the woman, who has now had her hair in rollers for 12 hours while awake, goes to investigate. She sees a mouse and it freaks her out way too much, so Jason stabs her in the neck from through the door.

A generic Scott Baio look alike gets stabbed by a fake knife, as one of his friends sneaks up behind him. We are led to believe that, of course that it is Jason – until the last moment. Then the van is on fire – but it’s just the stoners in the back.

Amazing, none of them are treated for smoke inhalation. The “square” says “There are better things to do than smoke dope” and I kick him in the chest so hard, his heart stops. But that was my imagination. They tolerate the dork and let him live.

A 3D joint-pass and the kids continue down the road. The fuzz is driving behind them with sirens on though and everyone starts eating the weed. The cops pass them though and the kids are not shown being affected by eating mouthfuls of pure marijuana. To put it in perspective, I once dumped a bag into a batch of brownies, ate a few with my girlfriend and went totally numb.

The group arrives at camp, after the obligatory message from an old creepy man on the road telling them to “return from whence yee came!” Luckily, its in 3D, so we get a shot of a McDonalds egg held up close to the camera.

Once the girl walks inside, the director decides we haven’t been scared enough, so her boyfriend grabs her by the THROAT and jerks her…into a kiss on the next camera shot. I slowed it down to verify with a picture and yes, he grabbed her throat.

Another cheap scare. A guy takes his shirt off to lift hay bales into the barn, because he hopes to itch for a year. Then a horrendous girl screams! Chris, who is the GIRL, actually kicks a door open. And it’s…the fat idiot. He falls to the floor with an axe in his head…but jumps up a few seconds later and pulls the axe-in-hair prop he brought, just in case he had a chance to play that specific prank on everyone.

3D YoYo shot. The girl warns Andy to get it out of his face or she’ll break his string. Fortunately, its not the same kind of string as Shannon off of Bad Girls Club had hanging out of her at a club.

We see Jason peering out of the barn as the shitty Volks pulls back up after a confrontation with a diverse cast if bikers. The bikers follow them for a little revenge. Girl biker wanders into the barn and notices a saddle. Why do you think women like riding horses? Hint: where is the pussy positioned?

All of the bikers are killed. I’ve noticed that the most effective deaths are the ones they don’t show you. In other words, the effects suck worse than blank film. Demonstrating a proclivity for the clown industry, nerd is juggling and actually tries picking up a girl after he finishes. Juggling doesn’t make a girl wet dude.

They need to be on a saddle for that.

Jason stalks Clowny from outside of the cabin. It’s been a while since something has happened. A while as in about 30 seconds. We relive one of the actresses fleeing from a strange-moving Jason. Then a hipster walks out to the outhouse and sits down to shit – then stands up without wiping his ass! Disgusting hippy. He runs into a girl but sees Jason going into the barn. They look around but don’t see him.

A girl is on the dock (of the bay) but someone underwater grabs the girls leg from under water, and Jason jumps out!! But it’s the nerd AGAIN. He’s also brought along full scuba gear and a hockey mask. He somehow is the one offended by this and runs off to be killed off screen by Jason. By the way, I think his name was “Shelly.” Seconds later, we are treated to a 3D death however as the girl is shot, with one hand, from about 60 feet away in the eye with a harpoon.

It’s finally our familiar Jason. So anyway, the girl is humping her boyfriend and needs to go wash her box after they “finish.” For some reason though, she’s wearing her panties clearly in the see-thru shower curtains. We do get a glimpse of a titty though. Andy, who is the guy that looks like Chachi, does the stupidest looking thing a guy could do and walks around on his hands.

Jason chops him between his legs, splitting him from his yet-to-be-cleaned genitals down. He’s murderin ya, Rock!

The girl finishes a shower that didn’t include her cleaning what she would need to, to avoid smelling like a dumpster all night. Doesn’t matter though, because she sees her boyfriend’s gruesomely killed body and gets a machete shoved through her chest.

Another area, at the largest campsite ever apparently. The lights go out and this girl SCREAMS. The guy looks at her and says “What??” and her reply is “Nothing, I was just practicing.” It is the only practice that went into anything on this project. Then the hipster gets ANOTHER fake scare from a mummified rat in the basement.

Next, “Shelly” walks in with a slit throat. He tries to talk but can’t and the girl somehow believes he has developed a prosthetic that simulates muscle-under-tissue. It does look fake though. Hippy gets electrocuted (or so it is portrayed).

Then, we get to see some great acting. The girl, realizing “Shelly” is really dead, begins running in terrified fear. She is so scared, she actually runs at slow pace I can only think to compare to when you’re waiting for someone to cross a walkway at Walmart and the person begins to shuffle their shoulders extra but doesn’t increase their speed at all. She ran like that. Really fucking scared.

If I am counting correctly, I see two people left. Jason snatches one of them and performs the signature move of Kona’s late son, Crush, from 1993 WWF.

Different results occur from when Crush did this move, however.

Our last girl realizes something is wrong and rushes outside to find Rick. Since we are in the last sequence of the movie, a monsoon conveniently shows up (not Gorilla). A body falls out of the tree and the girl begins hysterics. She is calling for Rick and gets what she wants as Jason flings him through the window. A pretty standard horror chase ensues.

The girl stabs his hand, causing Jason to howl. We begin a suspected 3D stabbing sequence where she misses each stab – except for one last wounding stab to the knee. She then smacks him with a board. This girl really has his number.

She runs to the van but doesn’t think about getting the keys out on the way. The van runs out of gas and of course, the bridge collapses under the weight. Jason grabs the girl through the van’s (open) window. She thinks fast and (slowly) rolls up the windows, which traps a man capable of throwing another through a window like a javelin.

Fittingly, were back at the barn. The girl knocks Jason out, who seemingly sucks at combat during the final acts of movies. She makes a noose out of the rope lift and hangs his ass! Well, his neck. She runs down but he’s still alive and reveals his face.

Our fears are confirmed as he is indeed a Down syndrome adult.

Then, the black biker (you don’t write that everyday) comes back to life. He only got hit in the head with a pipe wrench 7 times, but this was the 80s and the thought was that black people had hard heads. He gets his hand chopped off but gives the girl time to put an ax in his poor, misshapen skull. There’s still time for a 3D scene as the disabled adult walks like Frankenstein to get her.

She then jumps into a canoe, doesn’t tip it over and floats away. When she wakes up, she’s only floated about 10 feet. She sees poor Jason and then gets pulled into the water by his mother. She’s totally insane from the experience, but if you ask me, there wasn’t a lot there to begin with.

Obviously, she was hallucinating. Jason is still on the ground with an axe in his head. The lake sits quiet and the movie ends, shockingly, without the cheap “last scare.”

What can I say – its awful by today’s standards. For 1982 standards, it probably swept the Oscars. That was a different time though. People were considerably dumber. At least we don’t have to worry about people being so stupid as to keep making cheesy, terrible yearly releases of the same horror story, retold over and over.

Oh.