Losing the 3D gimmick, Friday the 13th is back yet again. It’s foolish to think one could end a shitty franchise these days, simply by putting “The Final Chapter” in the title of a movie – but that’s what Hollywood chose to do in 1984 with the Friday the 13th franchise. Crack-director Joseph Zito is the man responsible this.

He must have been the only guy who wanted the job, because his resume was and since then has been shit.

It’s hard to imagine but back in the 1980s and 90s, less intelligent parents (like mine. I am a diamond amongst coal) thought this was “Satanic” and “scary” and while it may be inspired by evil for all I know, one can’t watch this shit and be scared today.

Story starts out in a camp fire and we see the legend being told complete with all of the past deaths that didn’t look totally fake…

Then we see the clean up from the conclusion of the last movie. The keen eye spots an ambulance that is similar to the Ghostbusters car, known as Ecto-1.

Everything goes quiet at the barn and Jason’s body is wheeled to the morgue unit of a local hospital. A nasty fuck eats a sandwich, TALKS WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, and sits the food on the corpse’s feet. He scratches his head and picks up the sandwich. I can’t think of anyone who reminds me of this person more than…

This is going to be a film full of bullshit scares in addition to real, actual horror. We get our first as Axel, the gross fellow, sneaks up behind a nurse. Then they make out and get ready to have sex next to a dead body. Jason’s hand falls off of the gurney as he slides a hand up dat phat ass.

Jason decides to start killing and cuts Axel’s head off, twists it around and then stabs the nurse in the lousy nurse outfit from a Halloween shop.

A child with some kind of skin issue appears.

But he takes it off and looks ugly anyway. “What if a psycho wanders in?”  is uttered. Yep. This is gonna suck THAT bad. George McFly is in this movie. A crew in a station wagon is driving but gets lost. They happen to stop for directions by Pam Voorhees tombstone. This chubby boy hitchhiker gets angry when they don’t stop.

Jason takes care of that, though.

The station wagon pulls up to a house at night and the occupants hear someone at the door. The kid checks it out and fucking of course…

The dog was knocking on the door. Then some dog-bark sound effects are piped-in that are identical to ones used in Lassie, a show made before most of this cast was probably born. The guys meet a few wandering cute girls and they all decide to skinny dip. The presumed-twins then each reveal two moles on their chest.

Then a girl appears to drown but its a fake out. She’s scaring her friend.

A girl with rather ugly, dark gums and yellow teeth (smokes a lot) and a smart boy pick up a strange guy hunting “bear” (the boy doesn’t believe him). The boy hangs out with and shows him a collection of monster masks with animatronic eyes. We get some dancing and it looks bad (as you would expect). Everyone’s pants are pulled up way too high.

George McFly builds up the courage to stand up to the guy that keeps calling him dead fuck.

A woman decides to go skinny dipping at midnight. By now, I’ve lost count of how many titties have been exposed. The woman swims nude to a raft. Jason stabs her and she makes a face that I wouldn’t be caught dead making.

Everyone shows their nuts off while watching old porn. Then someone gets stabbed.

More happens. It’s not important. In a scene I’ve dreamed of, Crispin Glover is murdered.

Then, we learn the director has a child’s understanding of physics when a 100 pound woman barely makes contact with the car, but every window in it explodes outward.

Forget that the back window was non existent, eliminating the possibility that pressure would build up enough to cause this level of destruction. We’ve got an 80s horror movie to do.

We get a shower make out scene and the actress had no reservations about taking her panties off. This was before girls shaved their bush, so I would include a photo, but none if you want to see your mom’s cooch. Then we are reminded why losing a tooth before modern dental work was available was a bad thing to do.

The girl says she’s in love. Now that’s horror for you. Thankfully, the guy gets his head smashed and the girl with poor dental work gets axed. Literally axed in the chest I mean. The mystery now is – will the young kid be killed? I’ll be surprised but hey, if you’re going to make a bad movie – go all the way.

I like movies better with mystery killers. You never know who it could be. Here, even though the “bear hunter” is teased as being dishonest and maybe even threatening, we know he isn’t. Jason is the villain.

So the dipshit dog does something no dog in real life would – jumps through a glass window. Animals are not this smart, and in a real life emergency, should be killed first so as to avoid any possible trouble.

The movie gets entirely too dark and I can’t even see what is happening but Jason stabs the guy who tells her to run in his last breath. She’s an idiot and doesn’t. She tries to ambush him and grunts the whole time, giving her location away.

The girl begins hammering nails on a door. This helps a lot when 1 second afterwards, a body flies through the huge window. Jason grabs the kid but is hammered (again, I’m literal here) and lets go. For some reason, hiding in a room is their plan next. After some freaking out, she puts a TV set on his head and, knowing he’s not dead, they just stand there and fuck around until he wakes up.

The girl jumps through a window on the second story and lives. The kid decides to cut his silly hair now of all times. But he distracts Jason by appearing as stupid as possible.

The girl takes the opportunity to knock the poor Down’s syndrome guy’s mask off. He’s embarrassed by this because he’s been scarred by years of abuse at camp.

Then, Tommy kills Jason. Jason starts to come back alive but Tommy relentlessly hacks away at him, finishing Jason off for good.

Then in the hospital, Tommy flashes a psychotic look, worrying us all that it isn’t over yet for this franchise.