The fifth season of Masterchef struck me as fixed, fake as fuck and very, very unrewarding. When you glorify a stripper and she ends up winning, you kill it for me.

Oh sure, it is thinly possible that not a single bit of corruption took place on the show but I don’t believe that. It appeared set up to let Courtney win the show from the beginning. Courtney was the whore/stripper.

Cutter – Idiot, redneck and actually cuts his finger nearly off before he is eliminated. For some reason, he stays about half the season past when he should.

Courtney – Ex “aerial dancer” which is another way of saying “stripper” which is another way of saying whore. Also, massive nose.

Elizabeth – Drew Barrymore in disguise. Can seemingly cook and is on to Courtney

Jaime – Cute little quiet girl who is run over by people like Cutter and old man. She really swims with the sharks.

Victoria – I’m not sure who he is but he does a pretty good job.

Leslie – A stay-at-home dad, of all things. He’s a pretty big asshole but he goes pretty far. He almost ends up in a Hong Kong fight with little Jackie Chan.

Daniel – Cooks some good stuff but is overall, rather boring.

Ahran – Starts out hating Leslie and considered murdering him to herself because he calls her “Iran.” Eventually, Leslie starts liking her and she warms up to him but I don’t think she really liked him as much as we were led to believe.

Tyler – Moron stole Jaimee’s dish and cooked it. It wasn’t really revealed if he did it on purpose, but I think he did. Redneck grit.

Francis – He makes a lot of wacky and weird things. At one point, he makes a dozen unique donuts, which to me made no sense because none of them tasted alike, so how would he possibly win that? He’s kept around for the novelty of it, then they let him go and someone runs over him in the parking lot for good measure.

Willie – I thought Willie might win the thing, early on. The exceptionally skinny black man seemed to have some great dishes and a good grip on the essentials of cooking, along with a lot of creativity. However, since his name wasn’t “Courtney,” he was eliminated.

Elise – After feinting, screwing several cakes up and not being able to get anything right, Elise was finally put out of her misery and released from the show.

Dan – Straight out of the Vietcong, Dan failed to impress early on in the Masterchef kitchen. In fact, he was so bad, I think he performed the harikari on himself in the parking lot when he was (finally) eliminated.

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There were a load more contestants to this show but none of them did anything for me enough to warrant being written about.

It came down to Courtney and Elizabeth. Elizabeth should have won but Courtney turned the fake whore up to 100% and managed to pull it off. I don’t know what her cook book will be called, but if I were writing it, I would name it “Courtney Sure Nose How to Cook”