Review: Hell’s Kitchen Season 1

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Hell’s Kitchen is a British show that was brought to America because we can’t come up with our own ideas. It features Gordon Ramsay as a bigger dickhead than Simon Cowell.

The idea behind the show is that Chef Ramsay is a really impatient perfectionist who goes nuts when something is even a little wrong. When all of the contestants first meet him, he spits out basically all of their food and treats them like shit. I would have said, “Listen brother, I don’t care if it tastes like hot dog soup, eat it and make me feel good about it.” but these people all signed agreements stating they would let a really obnoxious chef belittle them. Seriously, that is why this stuff happens. It is all set up.

So let’s talk about the contestants on the show, because that is 95% of everything there is to say about the first season.

Andrew Bonito

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Although he makes it midway into the season, Andrew is immediately Chef Ramsay’s worst enemy. He insults him so often, Andrew routinely bitches about it on the candid-camera segments. He is an idiot and I hate him.

Jessica Cabo

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Jessica was the token-lesbian for this particular season of the show. We aren’t sure, at first, because they never mention it (this was over ten years ago, so it was less widely shoved in peoples’ faces) but later on, she meets her ole ugly girlfriend and they kiss. Anyway, she makes it to the top three. She’s also kind of hot.

Jimmy Casey

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Jimmy is who Chef Ramsey referred to as the clumsy fat oaf of season 1. He really did. But Jimmy surprised everyone after dodging some early bullets and survived into the top 5, earning some nice praise from Chef Lucifer. You’re my boy blue.

Mary Ellen Daniels

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Mary Ellen, and by the way – pick a fucking name parents, didn’t last very long into the season. She didn’t improve and probably tried to coast by on her looks. Didn’t make much of an impression on me.

Jeffery Dewberry

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Dewberry was the second person eliminated. He broke under Ramsay’s pressure and did the dramatic bitch-guy thing where he threw his tongs down and said “goodbye!” almost like a gay guy. He came back, but he may as well had not. When he took his shirt off at the end, he literally looked like an egg with titties.

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Jeff LaPoff

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Jeff is an idiot who actually quit the show – but we don’t get the whole story from the show. Not only did he take his jacket off and storm out, evidently, he got into a fight with Chef Ramsay in the parking lot! Jeff, being a total wimp, sprained his ankle from being SHOVED by Ramsay and had to go to the hospital. Once, I sprained my ankle, kept working, wrapped it and never stopped working for the next two weeks until it finally quit hurting. I’m a MAN. This incident apparently scared FOX really bad that Jeff would sue the show or the network and they actually put, at the end of the episode, that he was forced to leave the show due to an injury. Yeah, a pussy foot injury.

Wendy Liu

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Since Chef Ramsay wasn’t serving dog or snake, Wendy Liu Who didn’t fare too well. She was history on the third show – after making constant mistakes for the first three nights. Dickhead called her “painful” to work with.

Chris North

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The only person Chef Asshole hated more than Andrew was probably “Executive Chef” Chris, who he constantly called lazy and untalented. He was history on the fifth episode, perhaps not entirely by merit. Still, if he was that good, he would have showed it.

Ralph Pagano

Ralph Pagano

Ralph was a finalist in the first season. Although he wasn’t exactly impressive throughout the first few episodes, he gradually stepped up. Later after the show, he was on Iron Chef, losing to Bobby Flay. He even has his own Wikipedia entry.

Elsie Ramos

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I was shocked when Elsie was eliminated, because Chef Ramsay seemed to really like her and she also seemed to have a lot of natural talent. She later published a cookbook. I think some of the contestants thought she was shown favoritism.

Carolann Valentino

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Clueless and had no business on the show. First one eliminated.

Michael Wray

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Did something right because he won it.


The show ended up being somewhat entertaining, since these people all stayed in dorms with each other for their entire stay on the show. One thing I didn’t get – why the heck did everyone smoke so much on the show? They were ALWAYS smoking. You would think some cig company bought advertising.

As of this writing, you can see the show on Hulu Plus. It ain’t bad.

 

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