Shut up about Columbus Day idiots

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I don’t want to hear another word about Columbus Day. It’s dumb.

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I fucking hate crawfish boils

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I hate it when someone invites me to a crawfish boil or asks me if I want to come over and eat crawfish. Sure, if you’ve picked the shit apart already! Otherwise, fuck off. I’m not working for my food.

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Review: Vanished in the Twinkling of an Eye

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Vanished in the Twinkling of an Eye is a Christian movie about an event that is never going to take place – the rapture. Some Christians, mainly the ones wanting you to feel guilt and send them money, suggest that Jesus will come back and take all the Christians away from this evil world (where people aren’t stoning their kids to death like God wanted Abraham to do). Unfortunately, they forget that Jesus said he would return within the lifetime of the people living 2000 years ago. Oops. Pastor John Hagee is behind the development of the film.

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Review: Left Behind (2014)

Wondering why Nicolas Cage's name isn't on the poster? It is, it is just spaced out way too much up at the T O P
Wondering why Nicolas Cage’s name isn’t on the poster? It is, it is just spaced out way too much up at the T O P

Nicolas Cage is back again, unfortunately, but this time, instead of drinking and driving or spending himself into debt, he’s starring in Left Behind. Seeing his name makes everyone think that it won’t be as bad as the ones with Kirk Cameron. Does that hold true?

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Bounty Singles is the best paper towel for the interim ass wipe.

The Quilted Shit Picker Uper
The Quilted Shit Picker Uper

If you are running through the house and notice your ass cheeks sliding together a little too efficiently, you have to pull off an interim ass wiping. That’s when you don’t need a full shit or wash but you could use a good wipe. Well, I just thought I would tell you Bounty Singles is the best for that. The little quilted squares and durability are just great for the ass crevice.

Review: Goosebumps – My Hairiest Adventure.

I'd be more concerned with those ears.
I’d be more concerned with those ears.

Back with some more of this shit. And the dog you see there? He’s actually in this episode!

We open with a kid being chased by three dogs, a collie I could kill with my bare hands, a rat terrier, a beagle mix that is not violent at all, and some other mutt. None are vicious but they’re scared off by a girl with different color eyes. The boys acting SUCKS.

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Review: Goosebumps – Piano Lessons Can Be Murder

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Welcome to another review of Goosebumps – the television show that revolutionized nothing in the 90s. It did, however, provide a few cheap scares for kids which was fun, at the time. Don’t get me wrong – I love pointing out the dumb elements…but I wouldn’t bother if I didn’t like it, deep down (around the colon).

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Butterfinger Nesteggs are a total disappointment

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So it’s that time again where we celebrate the birthday of someone who died, but was resurrected (and went away I guess? So he’s like the only alive guy in Heaven?). In Christianity, if you “believe in” this Person, so is taught, you get to live forever in harmony. Otherwise you get to burn in flames for literally forever because you chose not to believe what crazy people taught while using it as a crutch to look down on the behavior of others. Makes sense.

Anyway, we all get egg-shaped candies now to celebrate Jesus Christ’s birth (somehow, I don’t think an EGG is representative of how Jesus was born). Butterfinger got in on it too but they completely let me down!

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Foods that make me shit.

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Sometimes, you’re driving through traffic and suddenly, the gut wrenching hits. Other times, you need to go but can’t. Well, for better or worse, this list is here to help you know what foods will make you shit your guts out. Make sure you’re ready to plant your ass on a toilet bowl if you’re eating any of these.

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Sid Meier’s Starships is actually fun.

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I noticed a lot of negative reviews for it but when you put Sid Meier and starships in the same game, I have to check it out. The result? A game that is actually fun with idiot dipshits reviewing it that don’t understand the genre.

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Review: Back to the Future part 2

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Back to the Future 2 is a milking of the money tree, make no mistake. The opening is different, Marty’s girlfriend is noticeably different. Marty’s dad is less noticeably different. Just a mess.

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