In Your House 12: It’s Time made me laugh.

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In Your House: It’s Time is the last pay per view of 1996. It’s presented by Milton Bradley Karate Fighters – a shit toy. Bret “Hitman” Hart faces Sid for the championship. We are in West Palm Beach, Florida. The fucking house set is back!!! Also, the trio is on commentary. JR, King and Vince. A fan behind the Spanish commentary table had a sign asking Sunny if she wants to wrestle. I know the answer in 2015.

Leif Cassidy, Al Snow, is our heel against Flash Funk, 2 Cold Scorpio. “I know thas right!” Vince says as Flash comes out. The Funkettes are with him, not to be confused with Funkadactyls. Vince is DANCING. King is about to knock someone out. Flash botches a corner move. He wins with a 450 splash in a rather good match between the two ECW stars. JR says we will see things from both of these men, especially Flash Funk. It actually was especially Al Snow. JR incorrectly calls it a “Shooting Star Press.”

Continue reading In Your House 12: It’s Time made me laugh.

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Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.

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Fahrenheit 9/11 is a fantastic documentary by Michael Moore about all that went down during the Bush years, up until 2004.

George W. Bush absolutely stole the 2000 election. He sucked as President until 9/11* (still sucked after that, too, but a lot liked him).

Almost all private flights out of the country were grounded on 9/11. The Bin Laden family received White House approval to fly out AFTER the attacks.

Continue reading Fahrenheit 9/11 was excellent.

Survivor Series 1996 was a night full of firsts. And shit.

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Shawn is sneering again. Bret is just like “Hey, sme”

The 1996 Survivor Series was an important night in wrestling history including the Rock’s debut, a new logo and lots of fun. It’s the Survivor Series! Sponsored by Milton Bradley’s Karate Fighters. I bought them because of this. They sucked dick.

Out of the gate, the World Trade Center is heavy in the logo.The lower thirds (name graphics) all have the buildings in them. Sort of sad, looking back. Fucking religion.

The British Bulldog and Owen Hart, the tag team champions, are teamed with the Rockers to face Doug Furnas and Phillip Lafon along with the fucking hillbillies, the Godwins. My mom texts me at 5 am distracting me as Henry and Marty both get eliminated. Phineas is power slammed and eliminated by the Bulldog. Furnas about breaks his neck on a botched drop kick. Lafon eliminates Leif Cassidy with a reverse suplex that looks near fatal. Furnas hits the best drop kick I’ve seen, rivaling Bob Holly and Jim Brunzel. Furnas and Lafon beat the tag champions and the sole survivors are the debuting stars. Won’t be the only occurrence of such a debut tonight.

Continue reading Survivor Series 1996 was a night full of firsts. And shit.

In Your House 11: Buried Alive stunk

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Two In Your House PPVs back to back a month apart could be a hard sell. What could be a selling point? How about a BURIED ALIVE match!!?

PlayStation presented In Your House: Buried Alive. The Market Square Arena in Indiana hosts the event! And finally, FINALLY The HOUSE set is gone! It’s a mock-graveyard entrance. Thematic. King is back on commentary, too! With Vince and JR, who is upset because he doesn’t have a microphone.

Savio Vega was scheduled to face Stone Cold, continuing Vega’s trend of opening shows…but he is injured. HHH faces Stone Cold Steve Austin. JR’s mic keeps cutting out. It’s a rib by Vince. For some reason, both Austin and HHH get in the face of some fat Hoosier. It seems like they’re just doing a strange dance. They don’t do any moves and fuck around! Vince calls them both future WWF champions. The match ends up being more about Vince and JR arguing! JR says Helmsley needs a haircut.

Continue reading In Your House 11: Buried Alive stunk

In Your House 10: Mind Games was a show to see.

Shawn was always sneering at something in posters.
Shawn was always sneering at something in posters.

In Your House: Mind Games is our next show and the tenth In Your House to be done! Yes, the house set is STILL used.

We begin with the Free For All! I know plenty of people have been saying listen, Savio Vega had been opening too many events. I agree! Marty Jannetty is in the ring to face an opponent…Savio Vega, dammit! At least he’s not opening the PPV itself. Bradshaw appears and is mad that an immigrant is wrestling. We hear an ECW chant. Vince mentions that some “local promotion” was there, and he’s glad they bought tickets. I can see the Sandman, smoking. Ha. Savio counters a cross body and wins. He gets attacked by Bradshaw. Uncle Zebekiah (Coulter) shows up too.

Continue reading In Your House 10: Mind Games was a show to see.

Summerslam 1996 was a bad night for Vader.

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Summerslam 1996 is brought to you by Stridex, which I bought just because it sponsored this. I had the cleanest face ever/driest skin ever. It wasn’t worth a fuck. Still isn’t.

This show ended up being an improvement over the previous few years, by a sliver. It had lots of ignorance, though…

If you’re sick of seeing Savio Vega over the last few shows in the opening match, there is good news. Savio Vega will open the show, against Owen Hart. Owen is doing the Bob Orton gimmick with a cast on his arm. An Owen chant actually breaks out. We get a solid match. Owen hits him with the cast and the ref somehow blatantly doesn’t see it. He wins with a Sharpshooter, the move he taught Bret. Clarence Mason, doing a poor Johnny Cochran, celebrates with him. Bradshaw hits Savio because he’s Conservative and they do not like Spanish speakers.

Continue reading Summerslam 1996 was a bad night for Vader.

In Your House 9: International Incident was a lot of fun

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In Your House International Incident ended up being a very fun event, thanks to some future stars on the card as well as comedic moments from the King. The event is from Vancouver, BC. We begin with the Free For All. JR, King and the chairman, Vince are all in commentary. The fireworks go off for our free audience, as the instrumental version of Slam Jam plays.

Savio Vega will open up the event with a match against Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw. Of course that’s today’s JBL. He knocked out Savio a few weeks ago on Raw with a cowbell. Savio needed more of it. Guess who comes out managing Bradshaw? Uncle Zebekiah aka Zeb Coulter. Bradshaw is very physical. He wins with a foot on the rope that would have helped him none. Bradshaw hits his lariat but it’s way milder than his future version. Savio gets “branded” by Zeb, but it’s not hot. Just has shoe polish on it or something.

We get an Undertaker music video and because Goldust and Taker will wrassle tonight. Goldust joins the commentary team to do a movie-script-promo. I liked those.

Also, we review that the Ultimate Warrior was replaced by Sycho Sid, who drives a Lincoln into a dumpster. When he gets out of his car, his music plays. Did he have WWF Metal in his CD player?

Continue reading In Your House 9: International Incident was a lot of fun

The Season 2 premiere of Gotham sucked.

Yeah, the most creative word they could come up with was "villains." Why not "bad guys"?
Yeah, the most creative word they could come up with was “villains.” Why not “bad guys”?

The new season of Gotham is here and it’s just as shitty as the last one, maybe worse.

Out of the gate, if you don’t know that the Joker guy is the red headed dude, you have the worst guessing in history. That said, I’d be mad if they DIDN’T make ginger into the Joker.

Gordon goes from being a street cop to unemployment back to detective in this episode. Somehow, none of it is interesting at all. The fat delusional king idiot at the beginning randomly encounters Gordon, too.

Continue reading The Season 2 premiere of Gotham sucked.

Royal Rumble 1991 – A classic event that kind of blew.

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Royal Rumble 1991 is one of my all time favorites. That doesn’t mean I can’t find a lot wrong with it though, stupid.

We are live from the Miami Arena in Miami, Florida. First, we sing America the beautiful. This helps set the patriotism theme for our USA vs Iraq main event. We see a kid with a wart on his finger. Gross. I wouldn’t hang out with kids with warts. You need to have standards.

Continue reading Royal Rumble 1991 – A classic event that kind of blew.

Walgreens sucks

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Walgreens is such a fucking stupid company. Think about it – buy cigarettes and cancer medicine in the same store. Capitalism at its fucking finest.

First, their stores suck. They have the suckiest book collections I’ve ever witnessed. Talking about romance novels for old ladies to press a finger against their bean once and spray sand out. You also can’t walk around without seeing a floatation device in a random kiosk, like everywhere. Even in Winter.

Continue reading Walgreens sucks

King of the Ring 1996 – Important, but shitty.

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King of the Ring 1996 was an interesting time for WWE. Bret Hart was on hiatus for the first time in a decade and Stone Cold was about to step up and break through his glass ceiling. The Ultimate Warrior was being briefly featured, although he would soon depart too for a final time before he would return when Vince killed him.

Speaking of people Vince killed, Owen Hart opens the show entering to the ring to join the commentary team, in King Jerry Lawler’s absence. Lawler will be facing the Ultimate Warrior tonight!

Continue reading King of the Ring 1996 – Important, but shitty.

Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number is fucking wicked

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Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number is the sequel to the top-down murder game with shit graphics of the same name. This game is too hard for simple people but it’s bad ass and rewarding. I like it.

I decided to use my Vita to play the game. I felt like that gave me a more close-view and control of what was going on. You will be replaying levels thousands of times but since it involves bloody brutal murder, it somehow gets old less than it sounds like it would. With that said, this game has about an hour play-limit for me before I have to put it down and go kick a Pomeranian. It will tire you.

Continue reading Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number is fucking wicked

Lord Alfred Hayes had a big dick.

Proud of it.
Proud of it.

Lord Alfred Hayes had a huge cock. That’s what I heard anyway. He was also bad ass.

For more information on Coliseum Video releases, write to: Coliseum Video. Post Office Box 1311. Fairfield, NJ. 07…ah double 07.

….yes, his voice was magic for several generations. Judo Alfred Hayes was supposed to be a tough man but I only knew him as a WWF sidekick, either on commentary or during a TV show, like Tuesday Night Titans.

Evidently, though, the Titan was in his britches!

Continue reading Lord Alfred Hayes had a big dick.

In Your House 8: Beware of Dog was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

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In Your House Beware of Dog is two shows. Beware of Dog and Beware of Dog 2, which had to take place after the lights went out and the show went off the air due to weather! Oops!

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It actually begins with the Free for All. Phineas has signed a receipt lol that says Sunny is their comanager. He has duck tape on his wrists…. The Godwins face the Smoking Guns. So uninteresting! These two tag-teams had so little appeal around this time and you could tell no one gave a fuck. The crowd is half empty. Vince mentions a traffic jam. Yeah and a booking jam. During the match, King acts like Sable – appearing later – is ghastly. Smoking Guns win the tag titles after Billy Gunn kisses Sunny, which distracts PIG. Billy Gunn does a post-interview that is about a 1/10 and he says “Hey” like 14 times.

Continue reading In Your House 8: Beware of Dog was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

Royal Rumble 1995 sucked.

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Pamela Anderson arrives and the whole locker room jeers her like they’ve never seen a set of insanely-fake tits before. It’s the Royal Rumble 1995 – beach theme!! Vince McMahon and Jerry “The King” Lawler are on commentary.

“Everybody and his brother who’s married to his sister is down here from Nashville” King says. Jeff Jarrett comes out to face Razor Ramon for his IC belt. Razor gets counted out but Double J says he didn’t come here to win, lol. He says Razor needs to come back and Razor does.

Continue reading Royal Rumble 1995 sucked.

I love Dungeon Boss

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Dungeon Boss is fucking badass. I love it. It’s for Apple and Android.

What’s the most fun part of an RPG? Boss battles, managing stats, upgrading your characters. Dungeon Boss takes the best parts of a dungeon RPG and presents them in a very beautiful package.

You control a team of heroes you must summon. You can have up to four at once and the combinations are endless. Strategies really do get developed by just testing and playing. How well will Nitpick work with Fuckface or whatever another one’s name is? Unlocking people and putting them to the test is half of the fun.

Continue reading I love Dungeon Boss

Man of Steel was awful!

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Man of Steel wasn’t worth a shit and I love Superman movies. It made no sense throughout. No sense.

Zod is destroying the planet but wants to take it over with about 3 hours left for the planet to survive. No logic.

Zod kills Jorel, walks out and doesn’t even act like he cares about the ship that is blasting off with the entire codex of his species. He’s like “Oh yeah shoot it.” SHOOT IT? It has your fucking species in it, shouldn’t you capture it? Zod is arrested and put on trial while the planet dies. They basically save his life because he killed them.

Continue reading Man of Steel was awful!

I hate people who don’t use turn signals.

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My worst enemies while driving are fuck faces who won’t flip the turn signal. What’s it take, a fifth of a calorie? I’ll mock them, sometimes, doing an animated hillbilly face (The genetic cesspool) and flicking my hand up and down, which is ALL THAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU LAZY FUCKS.

Don’t you understand that, when you are turning right and don’t signal, the fucking guy sitting, staring at you in the street you are turning into could really use the info that you plan to stop and not pass him? IT MEANS HE GETS TO GO. Why is this so fucking hard?

Continue reading I hate people who don’t use turn signals.

Rambo: First Blood is what cops are really like.

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A guy minding his own business. A fucking prick cop. Guy gets arrested because he doesn’t suck the cops ass. Reality.

In Rambo, however, the guy blows the shit out of the entire town, beats up the entire police force, whispers in their ears sweet nothings (and that he could have killed them), survives a rocket launcher and lives just because his Colonel came in and asked him to please stop destroying everyone.

Continue reading Rambo: First Blood is what cops are really like.

In Your House 7: Good Friends, Better Enemies was actually good, for once.

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In Your House Good Friends Better Enemas was the 7th incantation of the PPV series but the first that really stepped up and out on a quality scale that had previously sucked!

Free For All is up first and Doc Hendrix is our emcee. Doc hypes us for everyone on the show tonight: Diesel, HBK, the Ultimate Idiot.

Continue reading In Your House 7: Good Friends, Better Enemies was actually good, for once.