The 1997 King of the Ring was built around one match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels. The WWF title match was almost an afterthought. So, of course, it would suck!
Vince McMahon and Jim Ross are on commentary, and Vince motions for the camera man to look at all of the international tables but he doesn’t – so Vince stands up and walks him there! Carlos Cabrera is highly amused by the excited chairman! Vince informs us that it’s time for Ahmed “Get In Your Face” Johnson is on his way out, COVERED IN BABY OIL. Ahmed faces the MAN. I’m talking about the guy that runs the joint, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. He’s also coming out to Beethoven’s 5th, I believe, now. JR tells us Ahmed Johnson is a member of the Bloods! That’s a new tidbit for me, and a lot edgier than just a few months back. As I mentioned in the last In Your House, a change was noticeably in the air. Ahmed military presses HHH, and asks “How do you like that shit?”Well, Ahmed, I like it. He seems a little angry, which I always look for from the loser. Some of these grits think it’s real. Triple H gets a quick Pedigree in and wins!
I decided a while back that I should review events I was actually at. This is the beginning of that series. The most prominent event I attended was a little thing you may have heard of. I don’t know. May have heard of it…
I not only was there, but I was front row. $8,200 for two tickets. Seated next to Los Lonely Boys (guests of Stone Cold). I’ll add this unique perspective throughout the event.
Out of the gate, the theme song is very early 2000 – screaming, murder vocals. The show opens with Harlem Boys Choir singing Flag America 9/11 Patriotism or some song. We were all into it back then and of course, we visited Ground Zero. It was boring. At the end of the boring kids’ song, we see a different Freedom Tower. By the way, if you want to see me, there’s a big red head guy front row and I’m the guy next to him. We were huge.
The second episode of Raw was January 18, 1993 and was the lead-in to the Royal Rumble. Makes sense that they’ll BARELY mention it! The siren is going off. It’s Vince, a microphone-less Rob Bartlett and Macho Man Savage, who gets NAILED by Repo Man just as he is about to talk. It is chaos from the get-go! Then our sick ass open hits.
Terrific Terry Taylor comes out next. He has trouble getting passed the model (not Rick Martel). He will face MISTER….PERFECT. (Howard Finkel impression). Bartlett no sells the seriousness of Savage’s attack, asking him if he saw his car. (#10). A We Want Flair chant. Heenan calls in to tell “Ron Bartlett” off. A “This match sucks”chant!!! “Uh oh!” Bartlett says! (#11). Flair comes out to the crowd’s delight. Vince calls the Perfectplex “The Superplex!”
If you look back at the first episode of Raw, it is a different time for sure. However, it also has enough fuck ups in it to be hard to watch without a groan factory in your living room.
The very first episode of Monday Night Raw opens with Sean Mooney outside of the Manhattan Center. Bobby Heenan runs up and is like hey who are you I need to get in. Mooney is like no. Rob Bartlett replaced you.
With the UFC only becoming a true avenue for mainstream talent recently, a lot of past tough guys in pro-wrestling almost make you think “what if” in a different universe, they had become MMA talent instead. Here is a personal list of 5 I can think of, off the top of my head, who I believe would have had great success! in the UFC.
Anyone that is an Olympic Gold Medalist is instant contender for UFC gold. Henry Cejudo comes to mind as hopefully, the future man to dethrone Demetrious Johnson. Out wrestled Lesnar. What’s that tell you?
Happy Mother’s Day and welcome to IYH A Cold Day in HELL. The house set is back but with a noticeable change – a video wall now occupied the giant window section. Also, the fireworks we begin the show with seem like an amateur set them. Tito Santana is on Spanish commentary!!
Flash Funk opens the show. This gimmick was torturous from day one and that’s coming from a Doink the Clown fan when Vince pushed him. Flash faces the man who will take over WWE in the future, Triple H. He also has Chyna with him. King needs the word “dojo” explained. There appears to be an issue with the white balance on the cameras. Helmsley hits one of the craziest belly-to-back suplexes off of the top rope. He flips Funk in the air. One Pedigree later and he wins. Chyna does a little roughing up of Flash.
Andre the Giant was the worst wrestler ever. He was also gross and from what I heard, he wasn’t very nice either. McMahon may worship him but I think he was sick.
First off, you know he couldn’t reach his butt to properly wash it. I also heard Bret Hart say someone rammed Ric Flairs head into his ass in the shower and his head came out brown. Flairs was a human Q tip, on a person who never had cleaned their ears. Ohf I want to throw up now.
Andre was a dick to fans according to a drunken Iron Sheik. He said that when Andre was a baby face, fans would ask for his autograph and he would ignore them completely or say “Get the fuck out of here.” I’d say “Listen man you might win a teeth-having contest with a barracuda but you ain’t shit to me” before throwing my drink in his face and running away, because that’s his weakness. Moving.
Decided to review Bad Blood 2003, because why not? The theme for the event was the worst song ever. Headstrong by Trapt. I knew a dude that played that around girls. Idiot. This was also at a time when Stone Cold and Eric Bischoff were co-GMs, so we see their picture randomly during the open.
The Dudley Boys open. DVon has a Gatorade style shirt on. DVon has been wondering why his white brother has been telling him to get the tables…they face Rodney Mack and Christoper Nowinski. Mack is managed by Teddy Long, who will use his theme song forever, despite Mack’s short tenure. The crowd is actually into this and chants Harvard sucks at Nowinski. I am drooling randomly. Why does Bubba grab his dick when hitting people? DVon gets hung up on the tables shit and Nowinski pins Bubba with a cheap shot!!
So we will have a redneck triathlon between Bischoff and Austin. They must do a pie eating contest. It is, however, a pussy eating contest according to Stone Cold. First tho, a burping contest. They’re just doing sound effect burps and it’s dumber than fuck. Terri Hard Nips Runnels holds the microphone. This ends up being just stupid if not gross. Burps are just mouth farts and I don’t want to hear or breathe air from your guts.
In Your House: Revenge of the Taker followed the worst performing Wrestlemania in history, 13. “WALCOME EVERYONE!” Vince screams. The trio of Vince, JR and King Jerry Lawler are on commentary.
Uggghhhhhhh WHAT A RUSH! The Legion of Doom faces Bulldog and Owen. Smith and Hart use Bret’s theme, as the Hart Foundation had just recently reformed as a heel stable. “Hey Ross, you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” King begins the night with. LOD win the belts by pinning the wrong man. The decision gets reversed and the match continues. The commentators missed every second of it while arguing. Vince pretty much says it twice. He calls for the replay three times. The LOD hits the Doomsday Device on Owen and Bret Hart is late running out. The referee has to stall and finally counts so Bret can cause the DQ. When the finish gets botched, it’s a big deal. This show will see even more of this tonight.
We see Sunny and Brian Pillman basically fucking on the Superstar line. I’m sure they really did hook up, considering Sunny will finger-fuck herself on Skype for a $20 in 2015. Sick of Sunny jokes yet? I’m not!
Greetings and salutations, fuckers. Once again, I am here to play devil’s advocate…fuck it, I’m playing the devil himself. Metal Gear Solid V is a bad ass game, there is no question about it. However, to see people have such low standards as to rate it a 10/10 is just tiresome. When will that shit stop? When will people stop that? I guess when you give shitty games 8/10, and a decent one comes out, you have to do something to make it stand out but this tactic is both dishonest and inconsiderate. This game is a 9/10, at the MOST. Here are my complaints, which are more than enough to qualify for a game to be considered FAR from perfect.
Buttons don’t work sometimes and it ignores presses or won’t show the prompt you need.
The horse fucking sucks and gets stuck or stopped by everything. Gun for 360 had a better horse. I hate this horse. I named mine Glue.
Long distances don’t like to render and it looks like shit.
In Your House: Final Four was the road to Wrestlemania 13 and was an effort to get the product moving in a firm direction, thanks to the fickleness of HBK “losing his smile.” At least he found his cunt.
The show opens with a shitty pyramid logo and football music. Someone runs into the camera while JR and King are speaking. King points at them! No Vince on commentary tonight. We are in Chattanooga, TN for this event.
We begin with Wildman Marc Mero against Leif Cassidy. Mero seems more aggressive than recently. Sable has glasses on, like the time they were going with a domestic abuse storyline for a week before dropping it. Mero wins with his shooting star press, called “The Wild Thing.” King says his motto is “Never hit a woman with glasses. Always use your fist.” He placed third for mayor in Memphis after this, FYI.
I hate George Clooney. I can’t stand him. He can’t act. He doesn’t try either.
First, Clooney isn’t good looking. I don’t know where that bullshit has come from but he’s no more special than your average guy. Cloon has sunken sleepless eyes and a smirk I want to smack.
Why is he always smirking? What’s there to smirk about motherfucker? You couldn’t play Batman right. You know, the character that stoically exists in a mask. You fucked that up Clowny.
He dated Stacy Keibler, whom everyone mentions like she’s special. She’s hot, of course, but again – a grit. She fucked David Flair and Test. She’s not my favorite Keibler, either.
Clooney is so muted and boring in his roles. He just utters the lines without any life or interest. Meh another movie, phone it in.
I’m taking a shit right now and the smell is one I associate with Clooney. I bet he takes GROSS shits. You just know they’re those nasty little clam strip turds that everyone is extra cautious not to leave behind after a flush for a future occupant to see and begin wondering who shit like that. I bet when George Clooney wipes his ass, he smells his finger. He probably sniffs his socks too. Quit doing that shit, George! It’s grody.
After wrapping up a very wild and chaotic 1996, due largely to WCW’s rise, we kick off 1997 with a stadium show – the only Royal Rumble to be held in one ever (a mistake, because it’s the easiest show to book right and the hardest to book wrong, which WWE has done three years in a row to date). Shawn Michaels headlines the 1997 Royal Rumble, sponsored by Starburst Fruit Twists, which were awful. Tasted like wax.
Out of the gate, the announcers microphones are fucking up. I see a man whistle super loud with just his mouth, inspiring me to try and fail for 20 seconds and then notice I am out of breath. Little did I know that it would actually be whistling, perhaps from this very man, that would greatly affect the quality of this show (at least by 2 rating points, seriously).