Superstars is here, on January 6, 1990, Jesse Ventura moons the camera that is waist up. Vince aimlessly covers him.
Brutus Beefcake is facing a jobber. Jesse knocks his hair cutting abilities. Suddenly, The Model Rick Martel shows up in a two-screen. He is like hey you suck, and I’m coming out there. Vince sells it like he didn’t know that would happen and it’s pretty cool. The Model comes out after Beefcake wins and does some Cutting and Strutting ™. The Model comes out in a raincoat – yes a raincoat – that MAY have cost a dollar. Beefcake cuts it up and stomps his hat as the fans eat it up. Ventura accurately says Beefcake should be arrested as this is destruction of personal property. As Bruti wears the destroyed property, Ventura says he looks like he’s down in the soup line with the homeless.
Koko B Ware comes out. Vince teases that he’s in the Royal Rumble like he could win. Then, we see a pretaped interview with Koko mentioning the “Rumber.” Koko hits his finisher, the “Ghostbuster.” It’s a dangerous brainbuster. Also, is that racist? He wins an exciting little match.
A teaser for the Royal Rumble airs. It’ll air at 4 PM for some reason.
The Genius is here to introduce Mr. Perfect for a match with Mark Reagan. Genius says that Perfect is the next WWF champion. Whoever this jobber is, he hits a great drop kick on Perfect who sells it like a boss. Perfect recovers and wins.
A heel Big Bossman with Slick faces some guy in red ballet tights. Bossman beats his ass. The cop with a confederate flag on his shoulder chains the jobber to a 50 lb ball and drops it on his stomach.
Luke and Butch – The Wackers face Iron Mike Sharp and another guy. How anyone could believe wrestling was real after watching this match,
I’ll never know. The Bolsheviks, which Apple somehow predicted in three letters!!!!!, come out. The fans chant USA at the Russians and Jesse the Body correctly points out how this is dumb, since the Bushwackers are from New Zealand. The Wackers win. My iPad crashes. Goddamnit.
We resume with the annoying Brother Love show, with all the WWF managers. They pretty much argue about who will win the Rumble among their clients.
Next, a Royal Rumble report from Mean Gene. Flashback to Dino Bravo getting absolutely clobbered by the Steroid Warrior. Bravo gets him back with the chair and hits him in a strange way with it. Both deliver recorded promos. Each on drugs, especially Helwig. Okerlund runs down the card.
Future Four Horseman Paul Roma teams with some guy to face Rhythm n Blues. The jobbers get the upper hand at first but become meat as the match advances. A Rugged Ronnie Garvin sound bite hits teasing his match with The Hammer Valentine at Rumble. Valentine wins with a figure four. That’s the show!