Friday the 13th: Part 7 is subtitled: New Blood. Considering how a different cast was present during each years atrocious movie anyway, this marketing idea seems ineffective.

We go through a brief history of Jason and see him at the bottom of Crystal Lake, no relation to crystal meth. By now, Jason’s fingers must be wrinkly. A young girl named Tina watches her dad hit her mother and runs out of the house, vowing to grow up to be a trashy whore. She runs to the lake and telepathically crushes the dock her father is on. We assume he dies and of course, Tina is distraught.

We jump to the future and Tina can’t move a matchbook. I would have been a Jedi Master by then. Then, she gets pissed and a magnet under the table drags it around. I mean, she telepathically moves it. Then, a couple is fucking in the van because its a Jason movie.

Tina walks on the dock and we get the impression that she has a huge pussy.

 

Tina screws up big time and releases Jason, who farts a bunch and then surfaces. Tina feints and Jason walks away, thankful that the girl let him go.

A car is broken down and continuously jets steam, despite radiators usually letting out a finite amount of steam (since it comes from the machine running out of water, cooling the engine). Also, both are in jackets, implying it is cold. Then, he even shouts that “it’s cold out here!”

Then, in a special effect rivaling Two-Face’s visible facial muscles and bones in The Dark Knight, we see the musculoskeletal structure of Jason’s hand.

 

One young man begins worrying about the consequences of his actions, but three girls are surrounding him and quickly make fun of him for that, telling him to relax. Then, Tina sees Jason and runs to tell her stupid mom and her doctor about it. Tina sees a spike in the door but when she goes back outside, it’s been pulled out. The hole where it was stuck in the house was there but no one mentions that. Tina actually thinks she’s going nuts.

A guy then has the biggest nose ever.

It’s a bad shape too and as he begins to peck a hole into some fire wood, Jason plunges his hand into the mans back, killing him. Perhaps confused that it was a large Twinkie, as some animals similarly were in a Hostess commercial, Jason abducts a lady in a yellow sleeping back and slings her feet-end up against a tree. This kills her somehow, suggesting she was a secret alien whose brain was located in one of the knees or feet.

We meet some kids who are getting ready to smoke weed. By now, cocaine is far less accepted and not getting any better, unlike a few movies ago which featured it.

Tina uses her Jedi powers to throw a TV set at the dick doctor and a woman walks outside with hard nipples but looks like the type that just about every guy has had. She confirms by suspicions by stripping nude and jumping in the water. She goes under for several seconds, at night, for some reason. Her boyfriend is killed by you-know-who and she is too, seconds later. We even see an underwater bush. As we have noted in previous reviews, grooming wasn’t practiced as widely back then.

The doctor reveals that he removed the metal spike. Tina’s mom discovers this a few seconds later as the doctor learns that Tina is not lying and people be dead.

The doctor still wants to commit her. Tina hears this and runs off, wrecks into some bushes and can’t restart the car. We as viewers now conclude whoever made this movie has never owned or operated a motor vehicle.

The homely girl runs into a barn and whimpers loudly, so Jason can hear her.

 

Jason arrived at a large cabin with lots if rooms, literally sequentially full of screwing couples. Our lovable killer begins by using his finishing move, the head-vice. Then, he shoves something into the eye of his girl.

We see our first exposed titty and it is by far, the best of the series in boob quality. Not in screen time or camera angle though.

Tina and Hair find Michael, dead in a tree. It seems our girl from earlier with the nice breasts has some chocolatey gums, suggesting that she has had some cheap dental work.

She’s always shot in the dark when smiling and sometimes even pulls the sheets over her teeth, to make it less obvious.

Tina realizes its Jason Voorhees and has a psychokinetic breakdown. Jason kills a guy with a machete.

Dental work gets scared by a cat, who is then thrown on the ground in the next shot. Luckily, she lands in her feet. The girl sits next to a decapitated head.

 

She’s then thrown out the window. Like detention, I noticed we’re in the last 20 minutes and the countdown begins to freedom. The doctor shields himself with Tina’s mom, who dies after living a lifetime of inaction when faced with choices.

Jason goes after the doctor next with a tree-limb saw. He really has a variety of home and garden equipment in this movie. Then, just as we expect a satisfying, gruesome death for the cowardly doctor – Jason cuts his abdomen just slightly, like he was removing a cast.

Now, its Tina vs Jason. Tina lets him have it, eventually setting off a bunch of firecrackers the monster had in his pockets. Aww, just as I was starting to like her, she walks up to him and waits. Jason gets up on queue and Tina runs into a house – to perform the ugliest, full mouth scream yet in the series.

 

Tina says then that she has killed Jason, although we have no reason to believe that considering he has survived being electrocuted. He comes back and a girl just stands there waiting for him to drop his ax in her.

I consulted with 8th degree black belt-holders in several martial artistries and they suggested that she could have avoided dying with a little known technique of “moving.”

Tina then decides enough is enough. She turns around and swings a light at Jason (instead of sending him flying out of the house into the next county). Jason then reveals his face to us…

Not the friendly fella I remember from before…

And then he gets thrown down again, by our stupid protagonist who keeps knocking him down and forgetting about him! He yanks her into the basement and tears the electric cord off of his neck. It was bothering him. The 20 pound chain for two movies he has been able to remove by simply lifting off of his head…well that isn’t bugging him so he leaves it.

A quick stop-motion animated gas can shit and Jason is covered in fuel. She then sets him in fire as he just STANDS THERE. Why doesn’t he kill her?

He doesn’t know stop, drop and roll so he burns up. Great time to teach your kids a lesson, parents. What happens next baffles me, as the house totally explodes! Was there a hidden ammunition cache scene that I missed?

Then, Jason returns as they are next to the lake and just as he prepares to finish them off – the girls DEAD FATHER comes out of the water and is stronger than Jason. He pulls the super-strong maniac underwater as the recurring Ecto-1 ambulance drives off.