Wrestlemania 6 was one of my all-time favorite Wrestlemanias. It had a magnificent main event that was built up and hyped to perfection. It’s the wrestling fans equivalent of a perfect T-bone steak. I’m a vegetarian – but I’ll not be for a good T-bone!

So anyway, why would I want to review this event (the Vudu version)? It sucked ass.

Koko’s entrance theme is dubbed over as is Howard Finkel, who matches his lines to his mouth very well. Fink is such a talent. The pop he got a few years ago at Survivor Series was well deserved. Michael Cole made fun of him for being emotional, but Cole will never know the day where he is revered like that – because he isn’t that good. Michael Cole is a C+ on his best day. Jim Ross, likewise, is an A+ and has had 50 face strokes. Jim Ross could lose his voice box and use one of those vibrating microphone things people use – and still beat Cole.

Anyway, Koko and Rick Martel do battle. Gorilla says Martel is an attractive guy, a stretch. As always, a missed back-body-drop gets called wrong by Gorilla, as he said “He put his head down!” WTF Gorilla, you make wrestlers look like retards. Martel wins.

Gene introduces the “Colostomy Connection” and makes an “Anything but regular guys” joke – “regular” being a word associated with the act of shitting. WWE has a long history of shit humor.

Demolition comes out to dubbed music, because the WWE wouldn’t want to pay a royalty to Jimmy Hart, who co-wrote it I believe. Haku goes for a pin and the ref takes a minute to get there. Jesse is on his ass even though Gorilla tries to hide the mistake. Jesse rules. Best color guy ever. Haku doesn’t tag Andre, noticeably, who was in his final Mania match. Notice how when he comes in though, the place lights up. He was so good. Demolition wins as Andre does a slap combination that doesn’t even get near Bobby Heenan. Andre turns face and leaves to a huge ovation.

The late, great Earthquake is next. His penis is literally not visible as his enormous belly seems to roll, melding flatly into his legs like a Ken doll. .

Hercules and Quake is next. Quake wins because fat guys were tougher than chiseled body-builders (back then, not so much now).

Rona Barrett wears a sleeveless outfit, showing off zero muscle mass in her right arm. Elizabeth and her read lines. Liz looks stoned and isn’t as attractive as I thought, as a child.

Hulk Hogan’s alleged gay-lover, Brutus Beefcake (hailing from San Francisco, hmm) comes out (to the ring). Mr. Perfect, who hasn’t heard of these inventions called “jock-straps,” is his opponent. Mr. Perfect sells everything like Dolph Ziggler, except he’s not 5’6″. Jesse says Marella can’t count to 3, playfully jabbing Gorilla’s son. Gorilla, commenting on the shift in momentum to Mr. Perfect, says that the tide has turned “360 degrees.” Normally, I would correct him at this point. Before I can, Jesse does for me! On the broadcast! “Actually, it would be 180.” Gorilla starts to argue but thankfully doesn’t. I can handle a back body drop over the top rope being called a “360” but not that. Hulk Hogan, also kind of stupid, once did this. Beefcake wins with a slingshot (that Perfect sold brilliantly) and the two closet homosexuals have a moment in the ring.

Jesse says “This is ridiculous!” Do you not love this guy, in retrospect? He then sells it into a wrestling angle, saying Brutus should be fined.

Next up, the most racially awkward moment in WWE history.

“Let’s take a look at them big bug eyes of yours,” says Roddy Piper. “Those out of proportion ears,” he adds, followed by, “That schnozzola you got there.” Well! That’s a segment for you. Really shocked that they included this match on the digital rerelease.

Piper pulls out “a plastic envelope of some kind,” according to Gorilla. Piper puts a “‘Michael Jackson glove” on.  A double count out happens. No one was willing to lose I guess. The fight is so bad, Rene Goulet has to come out with a bunch of other officials to separate it. Pat Patterson gets a little face time.

Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart come out to their theme – I believe created by Jimmy Hart. The editors gave up. I’ve seen this before where they would edit out WWF at the beginning and eventually just let it go. We hear some tape rewinding. Bret Hart makes a kids day with the sunglasses. The Hart Foundation delivers a perfect Hart Attack and win.

We then see where Wrestlemania 7 won’t be held.

Dusty Rhodes does some interesting things with race. Then, Sapphire closes her eyes and recites her one, heavily rehearsed line “Cause there ain’t no king and queen no mo.” Gorilla mentions that Macho loves all of this “Pomp and Ceremony.” Jesse points out Howard Finkel’s weight error of 465 for the dream. Rhodes was billed as 285, which I would believe at his slimmest. This was not that day. Even then, that would put Sapphire around 180. Pictured next to the petite, probable 110 pound Ms Elizabeth, you tell me if that looks like 70 pounds.

“Even Sherri can’t slam 250 pounds” – Governor Ventura.

If you listen to the commentary, Jesse really pans Gorilla who is being about as hypocritical as possible in this match. Since Vince didn’t let Dusty win ever, Sapphire actually establishes herself as undefeated at Mania. Then, the generic bed music that replaced Dream’s actual theme is played as DANCING ENSUES.

We see another video of where Wrestlemania 7 won’t be. Then, Gene slips and says “balls.” A series of interviews and antics ensue. Gorilla pitches to the ring, but we go to Gene anyway. Hogan does an interview where he really sounds a lot like he’s imitating Jesus. Hogan gives the finish away by saying “It’s not whether you win or you lose.” Warrior does a promo on “Hoke Hogan” He says he comes to do “No harm to no one” which means he intends to fight 67,678 people in a little bit.

The Orient Express will be up against Mr. Wrestlemania, MRA, DX and HBK -Shawn Michaels – and Marty Janetty too. This match occurred at what seemed like every PPV for a year, too, but was very good every time. Gorilla then buries the Rockers, saying they looked lethargic, even when in control. Jesse defends them. Always one of the boys. The Japanese win.

Another Steve Allen interview, filled with an anti-gay joke.

Jesse points out that Jim Duggan is “stupid” for carrying out an American flag. Dino Bravo is accompanied by Earthquake, for some reason. Jesse admits that he doesn’t like Duggan because “he is ugly.” Sound. Duggan wins and Jesse enjoys as Duggan is crushed by Earthquake.

DiBiase and Jake are next. Gorilla tries saying a hammer lock is hurting Jake’s back. Jesse corrects him! The “wave” starts and Jesse is interested in it as Gorilla gets mad about it. Gorilla Monsoon says the fans are cheering for their “own private education.” Jake hits a clothesline “and a beauty.” He hits another, not a beauty. Jake gets counted out but does the thing where the baby face walks out on top. Ironically, the only WWE champion in this match was in the crowd – Edge.

Slick shows up, pretending to be the biggest stereotype ever. Akeem pretends to be black too. The Bossman is next, sweating an awful lot.  Slick’s music is dubbed over. Again, noticeable. Takes away from the event. Also, Akeem looks like he’s having a fit on the way down to music that doesn’t match his movements. Then, the Bossman’s corporate theme from 10 years after this event plays! Dumb. Lousy match too.

Sean Mooney is next to hold the microphone with his index and thumb fingers (weirdo). He says the song coming up is Hunka Hunka Hunka “Hunkey” Love. Is the Hunkey Tonk Man is singing? Then Sean corrects a small child who gets the song name as correct as he does. He talks to Mary Tyler Moore and starts asking her questions about “Hunkey” Tonk Man. She doesn’t even know who he’s talking about. Sean then said she’ll always be Mary Richards to him. Considering that was probably 30 years prior, Im sure she appreciated not having done anything in decades that made an impression on Sean.

Note: If you meet a celebrity, don’t ask them about old projects. It’s like saying “Im not a big fan to know what you’re doing but I’m bold and stupid enough to be bothering you at Denny’s.”

Honkey literally sings out of tune so bad, I had to try to imitate it. I can only surmise its because he didn’t have good enough audio in his ears with the music played through. It’s impossible to hear things well in a large stadium.

We see yet ANOTHER advertisement for Wrestlemania 7 at the L.A. Memorial Coliseum.

Then, Howard Finkel announces the attendance record. Not a shock – Gorilla missed it. He asks Jesse what the number is. The crowd was cheering pretty loud but still…

Rick Rude and Snuka are next. Snuka’s music, which I bought on iTunes recently (so WWE has the rights) is dubbed over. Sounds like music played behind an 80s movie “men at work” musical montage. Steve Allen contributes this memorable line to commentary: “I like Jimmy Snuka because he’s wearing my wife’s underwear.” Rick Rude wins. Steve Allen leaves after sucking on commentary.

Our main event is next and truly, this was an awesome match that the fans ate up. Neither of these two could wrestle and Vince McMahon booked so well, you’d think they trained with Stu Hart in psychology. But they did gay it up a little.

Funny enough, both Hulk’s ex wife and the Warrior have inferred that the man with the 24 inch pythons is gay, in interviews. But let’s be fair here, Warrior – you sucked on peter too…

Ultimate Warrior wins the match cleanly (rare against Hulk) and caps off truly an awesome night for wrestling fans. But with that said, I never knew so many stupid things happened that night. And Vudu…not for watching this, my friends.