Wrestlemania 5 is the second in a row to be in a room with those strings of Christmas lights above it that had a missing light every three bulbs.

“Fat…fasten your seatbelts.” begins Gorilla Monsoon, setting the tone for the evening. The Woman’s title is so meaningful, it’s champion is showcased in the worst rendition of America the Beautiful I can remember. Jesse Ventura even mentions “she better keep her day job.”

Jerry Lawler’s music hits but it’s actually for King Haku. Hercules comes out. In Bret Harts book, he said Herc once knowingly made out with a transvestite in a club.

Dibiase and Virgil fight Brutus Beefcake. Jesse says Brutus may be guilty of assault with a deadly weapon.

The Bushwackers appear like they just got out of prison, dressed in stripes in the pre-match interview. The All American Boys, The Rougeaus and the Buckwackers. Like any match they ever had, it is idiotic. This is great stuff to take a nap to. A pet cat and string beats this. Crowd is dead.

Mr Perfect vs Blue Blazer, pretty boring and no one cares. Perfect wins.

Ax and Smash look straight out of an S and M porn. Mr Fuji has some horrible skin. They pin Fuji to win.

Dino Bravo beats Ronnie Garvin, who stomps Frenchie Martin. Talk about boring.

Strikeforce loses to the Brainbusters. Rick Martel becomes a bad guy. It’s just boring!! No one cared and look what came of it – The Model, but nothing else. He cuts a promo afterward.

Brother Love comes out with a kilt on. Morton Downey Jr. runs down. Then, Piper comes out. The segment sucks until Piper uses the fire extinguisher on Smoke Lungs. It is revered far more than it should be – because the crowd was not entertained.

We get to see an ad for No Holds Barred. Then an obligatory interview with Donald Trump. Sean Mooney sounds drunk and messes up every other word. Ventura acts mad about Hogan getting in movies. Then, a typical Hogan promo.

Jake vs Andre. We get a fuck finish. Andre is DQed and Jesse mentions that it made no sense. Gorilla argues that it did but it didn’t.

Hart Foundation beats Rhythm and Blues in a short match, by cheating.

Rick Rude beats Ultimate Warrior, which I love. Warrior dominates, making it sort of predictable. Warrior drops Heenan on accident.

Double DQ for Hacksaw and Bad News Brown. Duggan gets snot on his nose and its gross. Ventura points it out in hilarious fashion.

We get a little meaningless match between Bobby the Brain and The Red Rooster, who wins but is then beat up by rumored homosexual lackey of Pat Patterson, The Brooklyn Brawler, aka Steve Lombardi. Is there like 8 million matches on this card or something? It became tortuous.

Ventura calls Hogan “The Luster” which gets over with me. When Hulks music hits, it is already in the middle of the song. I’m playing some serious Clash of Clans during this. “Lust Hogan” says Jesse. He was telling us this guy was a piece of shit years before we realized it. Smart guy. During the match, if you look closely just after Savage sort of swings at Elizabeth, and he and Hogan begin fighting, you can see the Piper’s pit set under the ring. Hogan wins and hits maybe the highest altitude leg drop that he ever hit.

The show was not the worst they ever did (9) but it was pretty smelly. The next year would be better.