Stingrays are bastards. You have to understand, we are at war with them and they’re winning. They got Steve Irwin.

Anytime I hear a story about a stingray, it usually involves someone dying at the fins of the ray. Stingrays are potent enemies of all living things. Their ass has a harpoon that they can launch through you and they’re eternally pissed off.

Stingrays are ugly. They deliberately kill people a lot, too. Not just with their ass-spear, but sometimes just by launching themselves at people. A lady was recently killed because one of the assholes jumped out of the water and kamikazied itself into her face.

I saw a story of a guy feeding fish when a Dickray decided he wanted all of the fish and maybe the man’s kids to eat. He swims out of the water, considering the whole time stabbing him to death. If I would have been there, I would have pulled my knife out and started stabbing it first, before it had a chance to get me.

I would like a Stingray to be my blanket during a cold winter.