In our latest edition of Bible verses, the Bible is telling some important people that they’re wrong about some important things!

Isn’t it obvious that it’s disgraceful for a man to have long hair? 1 Corinthians 11:14

Men should never have long hair!

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. 1 Corinthians. 14:34

Women should never preach.

Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel. Ezekiel 4:12

Bake your bread over human shit, ladies and gentlemen. Forget that human shit will not burn unless it is treated.

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26 (NIV)

Jesus was all about love, right? He wouldn’t let his disciples into his circle without them HATING their families and themselves. 

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose seminal emission was like that of horses. Ezekiel 23:20

Big dicks like a donkey and cum shots like a horse. 

“I have wiped out many nations, devastating their fortress walls and towers. Their cities are now deserted; their streets are in silent ruin. There are no survivors to even tell what happened. I thought, ‘Surely they will have reverence for me now! Surely they will listen to my warnings, so I won’t need to strike again.’ But no; however much I punish them, they continue their evil practices from dawn till dusk and dusk till dawn.” So now the LORD says: “Be patient; the time is coming soon when I will stand up and accuse these evil nations. For it is my decision to gather together the kingdoms of the earth and pour out my fiercest anger and fury on them. All the earth will be devoured by the fire of my jealousy. “On that day I will purify the lips of all people, so that everyone will be able to worship the LORD together. My scattered people who live beyond the rivers of Ethiopia will come to present their offerings. (Zephaniah 3:6-10 NLT)

You know something? You’re just a jerk.

Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment, for it is an old one you have always had, right from the beginning. This commandment – to love one another – is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new. (1 John 2:7-8 NLT)

Old is new. This is idiotic and doesn’t even make sense.