Raw is War
This edition of Raw is Saturday, not Monday night! I never understood why USA would preempt their number one show so we could watch a poodle jump through a loop and take a shit on astroturf.
The Legion of Doom opens the show. They’re building towards their rebirth as LOD 2000. The announcers are really hammering it. They’ll face the Quebecers with generic music. The New Age Outlaws come out mid-match and put Hawk in his house. They sit on the dumpster and the Quebecers beat up on Animal. Animal doesn’t see and goes to tag no one. Then he grabs a chair to rescue Hawk and almost hits him as he comes out of the dumpster. The Quebecers win by count out.
We hear some about DX contemplating a lawsuit against Stone Cold for stunning Chyna at No Way Out. I’m beginning to this this is another fuck episode of Raw. We get a video on Chyna, who has a better spear than Roman Reigns.
Ken Shamrock, or “Kenah Shimrock” according to Tony Chimel, is out. He wrestles Sniper of the Truth Commission. He was Clint Eastwood’s favorite wrestler. Recon, the future Bull Buchanan, is bad but Snipers acting is awful. Shamrock wins.
We return to a Burger King chant – King is out. Recon sounding like a pure hick in an interview. Sniper and he argue.
King interviews Marvelous Marc Mero and Sable about their problems. Someone brings out a $3 bouquet of flowers to big tits.
James E. Cornette is here to do a kayfabe shoot-style interview about the NWA. The Rock n Roll Express come out to the Rockers theme music!! No reaction. WWF vs NWA is the idea here, but that was 1984. This is 1998. The Headbangers are out. Tag match that is slop. After the Headbangers do their Stage Dive they lose because they throw Crazy Eye out of the ring or something.
War zone time. WWF quit using this open after we invaded a country for no reason.
Glass breaks! Austin is out with a GODDAMN FANNY PACK.
Fanny Pack Austin.
What was he thinking?
Owen Hart vs Jeff Jarrett. Pretty good little match. Owen barely gets the sharpshooter on Cornette. He wins by DQ.
Next we see a Michael PS Hayes spotlight. Why? They’re in Dallas. He gets a pretty nice reception. It’s Kane. He kills Dok Hendrix.
Brian Christopher got him a Mexican. It’s a tag match against Taka and someone who doesn’t matter. Get this – Christopher powerbombs him off the apron onto the floor!!! It’s a wicked bump. “I think he’s dead!” The future Grandmaster Sexay says. This tag match ends up being great. Taka pins “Morgan” the pirate. King says Christopher picked a lousy partner!
NOD, or the Nation, come out. Farooq and yes, the Great One… The Rock! Rocky gives everyone Rolex watches. They’re actually $15 Timex Walmart specials. Except Farooq. He gets a picture of the Rock. Farooq loses and the Rock and him are held apart by the Nation. It’s a pretty good segment.
We come back with Cole at the Nation locker room. They’re fighting.
Goldust comes out dressed as his normal self. We hear that “The American Dream” will be on Raw Monday. Marvelous Marc is out with no Sable. They’ll face Chainsaw Charlie and Cactus Jack. The crowd likes Foley but is pretty dead…until SABLE comes out. This girl was over. Mero goes nuts. Luna destroys Sable’s $2 flower bouquet as she attacks her and Cactus wins. We go off the air as we are teased to Monday!