Wrestlemania 32 wasn’t worth a shit. I almost went to it but I’m glad I didn’t. I’ll tell you why or you can fuck yourself.
Kalisto (champion) vs. Ryback, United States championship
Boring match you could have seen on an episode of Superstars. It seems like I saw some botches but I can’t recall. I’m used to seeing them in a Ryback match. Kalisto won like he wouldn’t
Team Total Divas: Brie Bella, Eva Marie, Paige, Natalya, and Alicia Fox vs. Team BAD and Blonde: Naomi, Tamina, Lana, Summer Rae, and Emma in a 10-Diva tag match
This one was another boring zero interest match. I mean, it was decent but the match ended in a tribute to a male wrestler so if you’re expecting a big women’s movement, keep expecting. Now, as for movements, I had a bowel movement this morning that looked like a bull backed up to the toilet and emptied its guts.
Lita shows up and debuts a new Women’s WWE title, which looks like the main WWE title but smaller to represent women’s insignificance in Vince McMahon’s eyes. Lita asks someone to pee on her for old time’s sake.
The Usos (Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley)
The fans didn’t know who they wanted to cheer in this one because it sucked so they ended up being wrestling fans and cheering for the Dudley’s. We get some tables because that is what the Dudley’s do. They’re a one-trick pony and that trick got old back in 1999. Usos win with some moves.
With the pre-show convincing many not to watch, we move on to the main show.
Fifth Harmony sings a song about nationalism, so the mindless drones will support the flag of their local area in a tribal ritual that makes no sense.
Intercontinental title ladder match: Kevin Owens (champion) vs. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sami Zayn vs. Zack Ryder vs. Sin Cara vs. Stardust
This was a fun match. I can’t pretend I didn’t totally enjoy it because I did. Sin Cara did a cool thing where he didn’t botch a move. Also, Stardust had a Dusty Rhodes themed ladder and outfit – a nice touch. He calls one of his moves Queen’s Crossbow, now, for Arrow fans. Ziggler has become incredibly stale to me. Kevin Owens was my favorite in the match and I was hoping Miz would die. Hearing Dallas sing Zayn’s song was cool. Shocked the fuck out of me when Ryder won.
Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles
This one was my second favorite match of the evening. I was thrilled that Jericho won the match because he’s been shit on so many times at Wrestlemania. Plus, I don’t think jobbing Jericho to someone builds that someone. Being defeated by a strong legend in an epic battle builds you more than walking in day one and beating an all-time great. Fans resent that shit. I liked when AJ Styles did the This-Is-Going-To-Kill-Someone on Jericho, aka the Styles Clash.
The New Day vs. the League of Nations
Really pissed me off that League of Nations won this one. New Day is so fucking over and awesome, why shit on them like that? Oh yeah, because Sheamus is Hunter’s friend.
Afterwards, we get our Wrestlemania moment – as usual, involving wrestlers who don’t currently work there. HBK comes out in tights – a huge mark out moment for me. Then, Mick Foley comes out looking great (for him). And finally, Austin’s music hits and he comes out. I think it lessened the moment for me because he wasn’t in black tights. He wore jeans so tight, he probably couldn’t fart without unzipping them. They beat up the League of Boring Gimmicks.
Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose, street fight
This match fucking blew! Ambrose looks like he isn’t even interested in being a wrestler anymore, to me. Lesnar, meanwhile, is doing the same old shit every match. I get it, he likes doing suplexes. Lesnar wins clean over Ambrose and Ambrose didn’t even look impressive in the effort. Bad booking, bad match.
Charlotte (champion) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks for the women’s title
A match that should have gone to Sasha Banks but instead, goes to Charlotte most likely just because Hunter wanted to give the historic moment to Flair’s girl. This ended up being a great contest but the finish going to Charlotte ruined it for me. I hate WWE.
Shane McMahon vs. Undertaker, Hell in a Cell
Another match I had a feeling wasn’t going to be that great and I turned out to be right again. The whole highlight of this was that Shane jumped off the (uncomfortably high) cell, missing Undertaker and crashing through a table that had some kind of air-crash pad thing inside of it. Taker wins clean. Everyone was expecting like Goldberg or shit to show up. Yeah that’s not happening. I doubt we ever see him again in WWE unless it’s for a Hall of Fame.
The Andre the Giant Throwaway Battle Royal for Wrestlers We Couldn’t Fit in Angles
Baron Corbin wins this and folks it SUCKS. It’ll do jack shit for Corbin, who looks miserable and like trash.
The Rock came out and lied that there were 101,763 were in attendance. Rock gets ready to start another segment after his music inexplicably ends when the Stinky Family comes out. Rock shreds the Wyatts, making them look like inbreds. John Cena comes out, popping me because I love him and hate wrestling marks. They clean house and lick each others’ butts.
Triple H (champion) vs. Roman Reigns for the WWE heavyweight championship
Finally, a match we knew was coming for probably a year or more. Zero interesting things happened here until Stephanie got speared. That popped the place pretty big. HHH looked excellent, as usual, while Roman looks like he’s just about sick of hearing the marks boo him for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. You fucking wrestling fans are the worst. You hate Cena and they push this guy and now you hate him. Truth is, you hate anyone they push because you’re stupid. How about liking the product for once? Maybe they’ll stop putting on SLOP if they don’t have fickle fucking crowds shitting on everything they do. Roman Reigns wins. The show ends without a terrorist attack, which I am always worried about thanks to the Republican National Committee.