I was excited about this release. A Civilization game IN SPACE. Sounded great! It was always where we wanted to go from the previous ones. And yet, it blows.

From the get-go, you feel like you’re playing a mod for Civ 5 or maybe even Civ 4! Truly, if someone asked me (or axed me) what I would suggest purchasing, it would be Civilization 4 and if graphics were super important, 5 (and a handgun, to kill their self with). The UI isn’t anything more than a shitty alien version of Civ – disappointingly still not unique to the specific race you’re playing.

Another disappointment came within three seconds of me encountering like 8 different wild ass alien animals that I had to start attacking. This game’s version of a classic Civilization barbarian attack.

The technology tree is a total mess. For starters, it branches out weirdly instead of in a lateral direction. That’s fine but it feels so uninspired! There isn’t anything to Xenofuckology that appeals to me, where as Communism or Nuclear Fission were always much more exciting to research, since we would see what it brought to us from our own history. Now, I know you can’t do that with a futuristic game…but you sort of can! You can have the technologies we might be familiar with from sci-fi franchises, except more generalized. Also, some new and creative stuff. They did some of that, I guess, but it all feels so damned dull.

If you give me a futuristic game, you know what I want to do? NOT BE ON A PLANET. I want to be in space, exploring, getting all Mr. Spock on someones’ ass. Sure, planet stuff can be a little fun but I never have and probably never will see this as being a successful franchise idea, just because the fun doesn’t happen on planets in future-sci fi genres. It happens in outer space.

While I’m at it, I’m sick to death of hearing about how the Earth is dying thanks to a bunch of insect humans driving cars on it. Know what might be making it heat up 2 degrees more than it did the previous year?

I would give Civilization: Beyond Earth a 1/10. No one I’ve ever met would enjoy it. If I could, I would give it a Stinky Sock/10.