Nicolas Cage is back again, unfortunately, but this time, instead of drinking and driving or spending himself into debt, he’s starring in Left Behind. Seeing his name makes everyone think that it won’t be as bad as the ones with Kirk Cameron. Does that hold true?

I don’t like asking rhetorical questions, so let me begin by saying no, the movie ends up being awful anyway. But let us jump into details. SPOILERS AHEAD.

First, Cage plays someone who is cheating on his wife, a not-very-hot Lea Thompson. She appears a lot like Marty McFly’s mom in 2015 (because in a year, that’s exactly what she will be.)

So Nick Cage hasn’t ACTUALLY cheated, but is about to. His daughter, a bitch, catches him after she chews a Christian lady out in the airport. The Christian chick was spouting her mouth off about her fictional beliefs and how that, after 269 made up religions, God decided to make a 270th the EXACT SAME WAY – by speaking to a privileged few men (not women!) God, who loves us, also made it to where if we get the religion wrong, we get to BURN IN FIRE FOREVER AHHHHHH!!!

Then, she falls in love with Buck somethington because they talk for about 5 minutes. The plane takes off and boom, rapture time. I had started guessing who was going to be out of there and who wasn’t before it happened. Everyone disappears who seemed like a nice person up until this point. Strange, considering that every Christian I know is very judgemental, close-minded and hateful of lifestyles that aren’t their own. I would have pictured the Rapture coming true as an event where every stupid, superstitious asshole vanished – leaving like the greatest society EVER. Notably, a midget, a Muslim, a Texan, a sci-fi geek Asian, the hot stewardess, a crazy black lady, bitch daughter and Cage are…LEFT BEHIND.

The oldest short-bus in history runs off of a bridge, somehow, since the driver must have had an artificial lead foot that was….LEFT BEHIND.

The Cage, piloting the aircraft, is too stupid to descend a few feet to avoid another plane that is about 20 miles away and he actually hits it, so we can have drama later on when he tries to land (in a very stupid sequence). Black woman goes nuts and begins thinking it is a conspiracy to steal her son (she ignores all of the other missing children). I’m sure she believes in the Illuminati, too. She pulls a gun on everyone. The midget hides behind someone, easily. The Asian cries.

While I was hoping someone would charge her and knock the hysterical black lady unconscious, they instead talk her down. Buck Somethington takes control of the situation.

Eventually, the plane catches on fire! But it puts itself out. Then, JFK and LaGuardia are both crammed full of airplanes! They can’t land there. Newark isn’t mentioned and the next closest airport is in mid-New York. But fortunately, right before the daughter jumps to her suicide off of a bridge for some silly reason, the phones start working again and Buck calls her. Cage then gets to talk to her and she jumps on a motorcycle, drives fast, gets in the oldest truck possible, knocks over plastic cones and signs that wouldn’t have mattered against an airplane anyway and prepares a makeshift runway.

The plane lands, clipping a fuel tower that was placed there seemingly for no reason. It slides up to a poorly placed fuel tanker and stops about a foot from it. I slapped myself in the face and busted out laughing in the theater during this moment.

Bitch daughter and Buck run and hug each other, even though they don’t know each other that well. Then, Cage and daughter hug and the movie ends with the line “this is just the beginning.” You know, because God wants people to make money off of scaring them with special effects about something men completely created as an event.

The problem with the rapture is that Jesus’s prophecy about returning has already failed to come true. He didn’t say he would return SOMEDAY. He said, exactly, “Amen, I say to you, all these things will come upon this generation.  (Matthew 23:36 NAB)” – that meant within the lifetime of the people who were living. 1900 years late, dude. And if the Bible got it wrong, then it isn’t Holy inspired and what God would put us on a planet without even an accurate way to find him and avoid eternal hell? The answer is an imaginary God made by primitive man who didn’t even know the Earth was ROUND!!!!!

• The acting in this movie is awful.
• The previews were awful. Kirk Cameron appears in one and, like usual, begins looking at the camera and “lining everyone out” with one of his speeches.
• The music in this movie is AWFUL. It sounds like a 1990 made for TV movie’s soundtrack.
• Someone clapped twice when the movie ended and then promptly stopped, realizing how misplaced their appreciation was.
• It still struck me as low-budget, even if it wasn’t.
• Why would a TINY airplane be flying over-seas? Only huge planes do that. Not some 50 seater.
• I don’t like when Nicolas Cage smiles. He looks extra creepy then.
• There is a lot of midget humor that will likely create some criticism from the little-people demographic. It is funny, still. I started giggling to myself at one point at how funny something would be when he gets kicked down the inflatable slide (that they show no one going down, because I don’t think they were really jumping down one). Instead of an actual midge-human jumping down it, what if they used an obvious-mannequin that appeared to painfully flop down the slide? I love when people use mannequins in movies to do stupid stuff.
• It is pretty much rubbed into the Muslim’s faces that they’re not going to Heaven.

Overall, the movie is enjoyable, especially for Christians, obviously. It isn’t as B-movie-ish as the Kirk Cameron Left Behind, but it is still pretty B-movie.