Most people don’t have a clue what the Bible says. They really don’t. They’ll pretend to be Christian or tell you they think being gay is a sin, but when you ask them about the verse that says to bash babies against rocks, they tell you you’re a liar. Well, folks, I present to you a first edition in a new series, I call “Stupid Bible Verses.” I’ll leave the verses in BOLD, so if you don’t want to read my commentary and just want to stick to the facts, that’s just for you beliebers. I mean believers.

You who are slaves must accept the authority of your masters with all respect. Do what they tell you–not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel. 1 Peter 2:18 (NLT)

Oh yes, that’s right. Slavery is OK in the Bible and anyone in the history of America that rose up against a slavemaster is going to HELL for sinning (one sin gets you there.) Do you who are black agree with this? Do you really still think it is the word of god? Your Bible. Your definition. But my brain (that says hell no it isn’t real).

Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks! Psalm 137:9 (NLT)

Well goddamn. That’s awfully nice. It almost sounds totally made up but it is there, clearer than day. The Bible God was all about letting the Jews or whoever the fuck it was writing about do anything they want to their enemies. Genocide without remorse. And God was down with that. Well, why do you motherfuckers from Alabama think this horrendously mean God would give a fuck about you? He didn’t about non-Jews, here.

I do not allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; instead, she is to be silent.  1 Timothy 2:12 (HCSB)

This one was fun to research, because several translations have tried to make it sound a little nicer than it really is. What it is saying is ladies, shut the fuck up with it. Don’t ever talk about Christianity to men, ever in your life, even if he is an atheist or your son. Also, you can never hold authority over men, including in office, as a judge or at work. No Christian lives by this. Muslims do, and you call them crazy. It’s in your Bible too, genius.

I will see to it that your enemies lay siege to the city until all the food is gone. Then those trapped inside will eat their own sons and daughters and friends. They will be driven to utter despair. Jeremiah 19:9 (NLT)

Another lovely verse from a loving god. We are made to believe that, no matter how ruthless, the attacking force referenced would be justified to make the enemy eat their babies. To anyone intelligent, that’s a key sign that you’re reading bullshit written by primitive man.

He turned around, looked at them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the children. 2 Kings 2:24 (HCSB)

Once again, another verse that the Bible translators loved to reinterpret as “young men” or “men” or “them” instead of saying what it is, 42 boys. God sent 2 bears to kill 42 boys. Ladies and gentlemen, you can be completely stupid and believe this or you can wake up.

If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives. Leviticus 20:13 (NAB)

That is right, folks. Your Bible says to kill gays. But don’t worry! Gays will get to be killed along with…

A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death.  (Leviticus 20:27 NAB)

Kill fortune tellers. Watch out, Ms. Cleo!

You should not let a sorceress live. (Exodus 22:17 NAB)

Kill witches. Which are fucking make-believe too, just like this goddamn book.

If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife, both the man and the woman must be put to death. (Leviticus 20:10 NLT)

Kill people who cheat on their spouse.

They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. (2 Chronicles 15:12-13 NAB)

Kill me! That’s right. Kill non-believers.

Check out part two!