Did God say he was going to kill and torture all the Ethopians? Yes, he did! In this edition of Stupid Bible Quotes, God tells us how to wage war and rape women, shows what a jealous dude he is and of course, just acts like a general wild ass.

“The one who has stolen what was set apart for destruction will himself be burned with fire, along with everything he has, for he has broken the covenant of the LORD and has done a horrible thing in Israel.” (Joshua 7:15 NLT)

A little human sacrifice to start things out!

As you approach a town to attack it, first offer its people terms for peace. If they accept your terms and open the gates to you, then all the people inside will serve you in forced labor. But if they refuse to make peace and prepare to fight, you must attack the town. When the LORD your God hands it over to you, kill every man in the town. But you may keep for yourselves all the women, children, livestock, and other plunder. You may enjoy the spoils of your enemies that the LORD your God has given you. (Deuteronomy 20:10-14)

Here, the GOOD LORD is giving some direction for when you decide to invade a town. Because the “turn the other cheek” bullshit only applies to the second it was written and not in other parts of this contradictory book. You are to kill EVERYONE, including prisoners and priests, that are men. You are to keep the women (rape them), children (presumably rape them too!), livestock (goat fuckers) and other plunder (probably penis related). BECAUSE THE LORD GAVE IT TO YOU!

They must be dividing the spoils they took: there must be a damsel or two for each man, Spoils of dyed cloth as Sisera’s spoil, an ornate shawl or two for me in the spoil. (Judges 5:30 NAB)

If within the city a man comes upon a maiden who is betrothed, and has relations with her, you shall bring them both out of the gate of the city and there stone them to death: the girl because she did not cry out for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbors wife. (Deuteronomy 22:23-24 NAB)

The LORD is a jealous God, filled with vengeance and rage. He takes revenge on all who oppose him and continues to rage against his enemies! Nahum 1:2 NLT

I don’t know how this book of the Bible hasn’t been relabeled “Dahum.” God, who is supposed to be above human emotions, a god of love and peace and forgiveness, is here described as a pretty mean guy. Let me help you fools out – you can’t be peaceful and forgiving and loving if you’re full of jealousy, vengeance and rage. Vengeance is the opposite of forgiveness. Stop pretending like your idea of a god is forgiving. If he was real, you should be willing to explain to him that forgiving is not a word used to describe someone that presents a cruel ultimatum to an inferior species. That’s like a little boy burning ants with his magnifying glass “just ’cause.”

The LORD is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished. He displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm. The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet. (Nahum 1:3 NLT)

Well well, back again to the book of Dahum. Now, we learn that tornados and storms are God’s vengeance. So you idiots who say “THANK YOU JESUS” when your home is the only one on the street not destroyed, you’re really just saying “Thanks for killing the other guy.” Also, stop saying you’re praying for a fucking town after a storm because guess what? God should be stopping storms, not helping people rebuild after storms. That’d be a god worthy of worship! Not some lazy one.

In his presence the mountains quake, and the hills melt away; the earth trembles, and its people are destroyed. (Nahum 1:5 NLT)

The Bible here is blaming earthquakes, mudslides and cataclysms that cause human death on God. Now, it COULD be argued that it is saying ALL of those occurrences are God-wrath, but I will only make the assertion that some of those things are caused by “God” in the interest of fairness and legitimacy to context.

The LORD is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him. (Nahum 1:7 NLT) 

Yeah about all that other stuff, forget it because the LORD is good when trouble comes (which he is described as being just seconds earlier). DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB.

“You Ethiopians will also be slaughtered by my sword,” says the LORD. Zephaniah 2:12

Check out part 4!