I’ve gone to church more times than I probably want to admit. It sucks. It is boring.

First of all, you get to hear some bad music. If you’re in a church that is somewhat modern, there might be a band with *gasp* instruments on stage. You can also hear this in about 3/20 garages in America. However, the vocals are always rough. Ranging from “untalented” to “offensively bad.”

And if there is no instrumental music, such as in the Church of Christ – you’re fucking doomed to an hour of pure boredom.

Next, you get to enjoy the reading of the scripture. Oh good! Read to me a single verse. This is never a Bible verse that deserves to get attention. Like kill gypsies, don’t eat pork or eat kosher maggots.

The worst is yet to come, though. The preacher. Once he comes up on stage, you’re in for 45 minutes of a speech that could be given in 10. The message ALWAYS is boring and sucks. I hate hearing people call it “the message.” too. Why not just get up there and say “Don’t be dicks. Ok, go home.”?

So the pastor drones on and on and on for a while. His public speaking skills dreadfully on display for every sleepy audience member, he finally finishes with some kind of “Are you saved?” twist or line. “Is Jesus in your heart?” or some other line might substitute. Then, the music quietly starts playing.

At this point, usually, everyone just sits there while the preacher randomly asks a rhetorical question to the phantom-guilty listener. Once in a while, someone’s indoctrination takes them into that guilty feeling and they kneel at the altar, begging for forgiveness that they never receive. But they feel better after doing that. That must have made all the difference – publicly kneeling – right?

Finally, after everyone has been guilt tripped but most people have resisted it, everyone gets one last chance to make themselves feel good – OFFERING! A bunch of men – always men – get some plates that are VERY open and shiny, so that everyone sees if you give money. They go to every single aisle and look at everyone, smiling to you if you donate. They might even thank you if you felt particularly brain washed one week and stuck a $20 in the plate.

Then, just as you’re thinking you would rather have been crucified yourself than to stay another minute, you finally get a closing word. Most churches do a closing prayer, I’ve noticed. Like all the others weren’t enough so here is one last one, God. This one can be particularly dreadful, sometimes lasting insanely long. I liked to let out a big *SIGH* to try to hurry things up, here. Once the preacher says amen, it is a race to the car.

If you’re lucky enough to get out first, you don’t have to say hello to everyone. But if you fuck around and the wife is gathering her purse and the kid is gathering his Ninja Turtles, then you’re going to be stuck in the parking lot for 20-30 minutes, between talking and just navigating old people with no survival skills.

Once you’re out of the lot, you look back and feel a weird sense of pride. “That wasn’t so bad.” or “I did something great” is usually the feeling, because church feels a lot more like work and requires a lot more effort than something that really contained a holy ghost. Fuck, movies are more fun to go to and they’re 3 hours sometimes. I would DIE if church was 3 hours. 1 hour is too long.

Churches – dial it back to about 30 minutes. 20 minutes of music and 10 minutes of preaching. If you can’t, as a pastor, make a killer speech every week in 10 minutes or less, you don’t deserve to be behind a podium.