Why does Body by Jake (that’s his name) look like a rat?

These workout gurus have never meant shit to me because all you need to be in shape is the one thing you can’t buy: motivation. That’s the only secret. But these dorks try to cash in on you by hiring hot ass people and selling you expensive ass shit.

One of the guys who has been doing it the longest is Splinter himself, Body by Jake.

I read a few consumer reviews of his products and they aren’t good. One of them has straps that breaks. Who cares. Just another reason for me not to like him, not that I needed one beyond his ratty resemblance.

Just look at that dumb ass shit. You want to have that in your house? NOPE. What will you do with it, put it in the living room? You ain’t putting that shit in a closet unless you are Bill Gates. This is a goofy ass looking machine and no one alive in shape would be caught on it. They’d be doing actual running or actual bicycling.

Oh, that brings me to another point. No one ever featured on a TV fitness commercial ever used that method or machine to get in shape. How do I know? Because how the fuck would they have bought it and spent 3 years getting into perfect shape with it before the first commercial ever aired? Duh. Idiots!

I’m getting ready to start a workout series. It’s called “exercise.” It is simple. First, you do anything that involves exercising your muscles. You keep doing that until you can’t and do that process often. Your “can’t” will gradually go further and further and you’ll see yourself in better shape. Easy.

Anyway, the entire point of this article was that Body By Jake was part-rat.