In Your House 4: Great White North emanates from Canada. We open to an “up and coming artist” that the ring announcer informs is “Toni Wilson.” I think she botches the first line of the Canadian National Anthem, which most WWF fans at the time likely booed at home, but I don’t know.
Vince’s microphone is off at first, thanks to the audio guy. It’s he, JR and King on commentary. Fatu comes out first to his shitty theme!! He has his BSK hat on. HHH comes out and we see a fan flipping him off, blatantly. At this point, King tells Vince that he wants to know why, with places like Florida, he’s in Winnipeg, Canada. The match begins and get a baaaaaaaack body drop. King informs us that HHH’s jacket costs more than Fatu’s house. Vince says “obsequious.” King informs us that Fatu’s house is the only one he has ever been in where the cockroaches had names. Also, the future unsuccessful Memphis mayoral candidate says that Fatu uses Raid as underarm deodorant.
Fatu falls victim to the Pedigree, as so many have. It’s ok Fatu. Losing to the King of Kings is an honor. King has to use the Raid joke again in his interview. Hunter uses the ULTRA cheesy aristocrat voice. Henry Godwin comes out to slop them, no reason. This is how WWF worked in 1995.
In an interview, Bulldog calls Winnipeg a “50 below hell hole!” No one likes it there.
The Smoking Guns, a tag team I never liked, are out. Vince says “smokiiing” like The Mask. Razor Ramon and the 123 Kid appear and say hey, we aren’t fighting anymore. So you know they’ll be fighting by the end of this! Tag titles are on the line. Razor does a gun gesture, which is strange coming from a guy who shot and killed someone. King says the Kid goes to a barber shop where the manicurist bites your nails. Razor Ramon is very over. We also get a tremendous tag-team contest. 123 Kid gets near a win but it’s reversed and the Gunns win. Kid throws a tantrum and cleans house. He doesn’t turn full heel though.
Doc Hendrix has a deal for us though! Cardboard stand ups. I remember not wanting the HBK one because it was of him when he was heel. Doc knocks the Bret one over and King goes “LOOK LOOK LOOK!”
Next up – the debut of Goldust! Very homoerotic character for 1995 or even 2015. He will face Marty Jannetty. JR mentions that his own “personal demons have hurt him in his career.” No, Jim. No demon hurt him. He’s an addict and can’t control his behavior. He needs to address the lack of control at the core, and not be enabled. And certainly not told that it’s a fucking non-existent mythical creature. Jannetty doesn’t paralyze his opponent and Goldust wins with a face-first suplex, which isn’t quite what he adapts later as the Curtain Call. King says “he just shattered the dreams of Marty Jannetty,” perhaps coining that phrase, Shattered Dreams. His fucking dick is in our face the whole time.
A fat man match next. King Mabel vs Yokozuna. They’re “facing off” because Gorilla Monsoon wanted to punish them for attacking the Undertaker and hurting his face with botched moves, likely by Nelson Frazier. This match is best described like this. You know what it looks like in your toilet after an immense crap? That’s a star above this. Yoko botches/no sells a bulldog and just falls out of the ring no reason. This just blows for way to long.
Next up, the Kliq completely shuts Shane Douglas down. HBK comes out crying like a puss and surrenders another of many belts in his career. This fucker always forfeited his belts. Dickhead (link). This time, he was surrendering it because a cheerleader beat him up at a club. Bret Hart said it. Then, just as Dean Douglas was celebrating his Intercontinental title win and planning to buy some new chalk, Razor comes out and wins the belt from him. Not only that, he DOMINATES the match. KLIQ. At the end of this match, when Dean Douglas has his leg under the rope, King goes NUTS arguing with McMahon, who looks really dumb. They say “The referee’s decision is final.” (Except last time at In Your House) Side question: Why did Dean Douglas have a Wild & Crazy Kids “!” on his gown?
So at this point in the review, someone with a shitty engine revs it over and over near my home for about 12 minutes. Why me?
HBK is crying about shit on the Superstar line. Bret Hart comes out to be on commentary. King says he may knock his teeth out and make him look like his antique old mother – toothless. King gets run off.
Bulldog vs Diesel is next. It’ll be Diesels last successful WWF title defense ever. The Hitman is announced to face the winner at Survivor Series. Handsome Doc Hendrix has to step in and show us a Dudes with Attitudes shirt. Diesel says – inaudibly – “I’m feeling awfully funky!” JR says some “Native Canadians…some Indians” are at the event! At one point, Jim Cornette just mauls the leg of Diesel. It’s kind of excessive. Bulldog puts the WORST Sharpshooter ever on Diesel. Just as I hoped to forget it, Vince says “it might be a more powerful version!” The match ends with Bret beating up Bulldog and causing a DQ. He and Diesel fight as my cat looks on, unimpressed. It goes off the air “due to satellite time.” What else would have happened? More fighting? No. This show was a skunk. 5/10