Man of Steel wasn’t worth a shit and I love Superman movies. It made no sense throughout. No sense.

Zod is destroying the planet but wants to take it over with about 3 hours left for the planet to survive. No logic.

Zod kills Jorel, walks out and doesn’t even act like he cares about the ship that is blasting off with the entire codex of his species. He’s like “Oh yeah shoot it.” SHOOT IT? It has your fucking species in it, shouldn’t you capture it? Zod is arrested and put on trial while the planet dies. They basically save his life because he killed them.

Now get this. They sentence Zod to 300 cycles of being frozen alive without being able to move – fucking cruel – and then they let him run around telling everyone off! He runs to everyone’s face and tells them off which would probably NOT happen in any fucking trial.

Next we see why the Kyptonians planet is fucked – they put engines on EVERYTHING. Zod and his cohorts each have rockets under them that ships them off to the biggest ship ever, bigger than a skyscraper. You’re telling me the most efficient means possible to do this is to land a fucking space ship for 3 people? As if they’re not fucked enough, they send THAT ship into an even BIGGER thing – a space jellyfish that takes them to some loud place. Krypton explodes in liquid hot MAGMA. Dr Evil is pleased.

Superman logo-ship flies to earth with lots of quick zooms. Thankfully, someone realized we are SICK of the story of Clark growing up and we see him as an adult, lookin like Jesus Christ saving the fuck outta people. Supposedly, Aquaman saves Clark with his whales after the oil rig. Lot’s of environmentalism in this movie.

Oh…the flashback shit to his childhood begins. The part no one wants to see. We’ve had 10 years of it on Smallville and we saw Clark’s peepee in the Christopher Reeves Superman movies. That shit was so boring, I heard Reeves was watching it and got up and walked out.

Clark steals clothes from a family and then we get more flashbacks. Lana Lang makes a cameo. Clark saves one of the Petes from The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Pete’s mom thinks GAWD did it. Clark’s dad tells Clark he should have let Pete die! Then Jonathan Kent tells him god doesn’t exist, lol.

Another stupid scene where Clark let’s a guy shit on him for no reason. However – get this – he tears up his semi truck. Why not just break his hand? You expose yourself instead?

So somehow the Lois Lane in this movie is uglier than the previous movie. The plot becomes convoluted as a 20,000 year old Kryptonian ship is discovered just randomly. Lois shows up and the ship mortally wounds her but since Clark is there too, coincidentally, he can save her.

So I like it but why do Kryptonians use metal, colorless holograms? Maybe they actually are pieces of metal it inefficiently generates, which was the bane of the Kryptonians. When Clark asks why they didn’t come with him, the reasoning is pure shit. “We couldn’t. We were a product of Krypton’s failures.” Yeah we’ll have you heard what happens when a kid grows up without parents? They sometimes end up insane, or shitheads.

So when Superman is about to fly, he closes his eyes and does The Rock’s “smell” look! He flies around, and I’m sure that’d be the most fun shit ever. Then we get the classic Superman camera shot where he flies up from the planet and goes back down.

This movie is COVERED in product placement. Nikon, IHOP (which has plaster-pancakes).

Next, another stupid fucking scene. Jonathan Kent insists that he save the DUMB dog from the tornado – not Clark. He just stands there and dies while looking at Clark! Why? He was convinced the world wasn’t ready. Ready for what, a guy to run a little faster than normal and not get his foot stuck in a door like idiot did. Lois Lane drops the story.

Thanks to Apples shitty matted charger cords, I yank my phone off of a table.

Zod and his boys show up. Clark is watching a baseball game and CNN Breaking News interrupts it. Problem: CNN isn’t on a sports channel. That’s like watching HBO and Fox News coming on in the middle of it. Zod has REALLY BAD cellphone service. He also turns off all the lights when his message comes on.

More stupid flashbacks of Clark’s childhood. Clark goes to, of all places, a CATHOLIC CHURCH. If aliens existed, it would destroy all religions. Since they do, I can’t wait for them to show up.

Clark breaks his handcuffs off in about the coolest moment of the movie. I just don’t like his dialogue. Clark gets on Zod’s ship and he fucking collapses and pukes up blood. Then we get a scene that isn’t real. It’s a dream of Clark’s that also explains how Zod escaped and what all he’s been up to for 33 years without aging a day. Now, here’s my issue. They were teleported away from Krypton into the Phantom Zone. How would a planet’s destruction bring them back to Krypton!!?? And why didn’t Krypton’s leaders think about this before putting them off the soon-to-die planet?

Besides looking cool, why the fuck is Fightin Round the World closing and opening his hand to shut and open doors? He’s a computer. Movements that mean nothing. The escape pod falls toward the planet at a speed unheard of. Superman destroys half the town of Smallville, next. I LOVE Feora El. “Evolution always wins.” She kills more people in this movie than about anyone. That said, her knife is a stupid alien knife!! It looks plastic and isn’t sharp or anything! 

Zod decides to destroy the world by landing a ship in NEW YORK CITY OF COURSE LOL. Why not land it in a field, remote and shit? So this terraforming machine, it sucks. The World Engine just slams shit down over and over! If you wanted to terraform a planet for a different life form, wouldn’t you flood the aptnosphere with different breathable molecules? Changing the gravity wouldn’t make someone able to fly either.

Superman tells Lois to step back and she clearly gets wet. He tells her to step back some more because his super-smell is hit with a whiff.

He gets attacked by CG Doctor Octopus arms. It literally comes down to the gravity-slam before Perry White dies when Kal-El-Ei-Eye-Ei-Eye-Oh stops the World Engine.

Next up, a $500 billion dollar battle between two gods. I am going to guess about 500,000 people die in this film. We see lots of Lexcorp and Wayne Enterprises shit. Hey who cares. I would have put a store in it called “This Movie Sucks Inc.” They both suck at fighting and throw each other everywhere. Id have grabbed an arm lock and snapped Zod’s arm backwards. Fly around now, dummy!! Finally, Kal snaps his fucking neck. Here’s the thing, murder is bad and so is the death penalty but when it’s someone who WILL kill again and can’t be jailed, like in super hero movies, killing them is actually more moral than letting them kill others.

One final depressing ass flashback to his childhood with sad music and his dead dad. What funeral home composed this score?

So the savior of the human race, a true god and a fucking infinitely known celebrity puts on GLASSES and no one recognizes him. Lois says “Welcome to the Planet.” And the shit ends.

Just awful. Why is it so hard to do a good Superman story? 3/10