It was clear by 1986 that Paramount wasn’t going to stop with the Friday the 13th movies. This one begins totally abandoning the psychotic break of Tommy, from the previous film. He’s evidently not a murderer, or the next Jason. Or the same actor.

He is still obsessed with Jason, though. So he goes to his casket with a fellow friend.

He opens the coffin and maggots are on the body, despite it being in the ground for over a decade by now. Tommy stabs it with a fence piece. Then, lightning strikes the body and Jason’s eyes open.

Next, Tommy’s friend pleaded with him to leave. At this screenshot, I recognize that his friend…

Is Congressman Anthony Weiner.

Jason comes back to life and punches through the man. Then, the movie does a James Bond open for some reason.

Tommy runs into some inept local deputies who arrest him. Tommy also already has spoken more words in this movie than the entire last. 10 minutes in.

A couple in a car drives on a backdrop, as the actress shows fine technique earned by years spent honing her craft. This acting is shown when she turns the wheel fully left and right like a small child on an immobile vehicle at the grocery store (but the backdrop keeps going straight).

They encounter Jason and for the first time since I’ve observed this franchise, a comedy moment ensues involving Jason. He kills the guy and the comedy has seemed to end for the moment. He then kills her, in a death sponsored by American Express.

Tommy gets locked up by the local police. Then an old man finds Jason’s grave dug up, and in a strange moment, breaks the fourth wall and talks to the camera.

Kids get off of the bus and I am reminded of a time where I saw a girl fall down those and land outside. She stood up, bawling and frozen in place, so the driver handled it in a caring, loving manner – she shut the door and drove off.

Jason finds a new machete that barely shows any evidence of use.

Then, a whimsical, folly-filled music piece starts playing for one of the inept paint ballers. Then, Jason drops in seemingly out of a tree, similar to Batman, and chops three heads off at once. He chases the guy with odd music.

Tommy steals a truck and the sheriff catches him – in the graveyard with Jason. That night, Jason kills the graveyard’s attendant by cutting his throat with a bottle. Even though it slices everything in his neck, he screams like an uninjured man. (In a moment that would have affected the meaning of the previous sentence, Apple autocorrects “uninjured” to “uninsured.” He screamed like an uninsured man).

Jason slays a couple on a bike. He scares a little girl then finds a couple that are fucking in an RV. Jason cuts the power, but they demonstrate intelligence and decide to drive off, “in case it’s that Jason guy.” But the young guy gets ignorant and drives like a moron, while turning up the music and showing off his acting prowess. He repeats “This is great! Woo! This is great! Woo!” several times. He gets a knife to the head.

The RV wrecks and for some reason, catches fire precisely around the base of the wrecked vehicle.

The sheriff’s daughter doesn’t let a few grisly murders stop her from wanting to hook up with the prime suspect. This is actually behavior many women display for jailed killers (stupid ass men probably do too). They fall in love and feel sorry for them.

So a different young woman hears Jason and he yanks her out of the window – and out of her shoes too. A scene comedically shows her slippers falling to the ground. Jason twists her head off next so it really just doesn’t match up.

The sheriff’s girl drives past a strange, pointless road sign…

Then she shoves Tommy’s face by her pussy and we get a close up of it through the jeans, just to verify. It looks a little lippy but Tommy doesn’t complain, even when she tells them that a “hairy” turn is ahead. I assume she didn’t shave like most young women in the 80s. She stops by the sheriff just as Tommy pulls his head up from what looks like carpet munching to the girls father.

Even though Tommy has an airtight alibi, he is arrested, because cops are interested in making quick arrests and going home. I’d never talk to one without a lawyer,

So a girl notices blood on the floor but unlike most women in skirts, doesn’t rush to the bathroom to check herself. She’s killed.

Then, the sheriff’s daughter pulls the gun with the enormous laser and gets Tommy’s freedom.

Jason seems to be about to kill a little girl but she says her prayers and he spares her life. He begins killing the deputies one by one at this juncture, even utilizing an old favorite, the Kona-Crush Crush!

The sheriff realizes something is wrong and puts some buckshot in Jason, which slows him down. He runs out of ammo and flees, instead of standing next to the body like many others have done. We start to go too long without a good screenshot but thankfully are given this:

Jason kills the sheriff by folding his body backwards.

 

Then he walks toward them and…no he went to the cabin with the little kids. I couldn’t tell. They all run away and Megan runs straight to Jason, who prepares to crush her skull…but is lured to simply let her go when Tommy yells at him.

Tommy pours gasoline on the water and lights it, which burns for several minutes at this intensity:

Strange, endlessly burning petroleum that would likely solve the energy crisis.

Jason is pulled to the bottom of the lake by a chain noose. He is unable to lift it off of his head and, even though he has the strength to crush a skull, he instead lightly chokes Tommy unconscious.

A distressed woman is then unrealistically able to start a pull-to-start boat motor (no woman has ever started one on record). She uses it to seemingly kill Jason. Then, she swims back ashore with Tommy in tow, a champion swimmer we learn, and saves him with CPR, thankfully up to date on her first responder courses. What a hero this girl turned into!

We close this treasure with a shot of Jason, underwater, and a close up of his hazel eyeball, clearly not underwater.

Unfortunately, this film doesn’t end like I expected it to…