I regretfully put these words together to inform you that I suffer from a chronic case of inflammatory large dick. It is incurable.

Born 22 pounds, I was circumcised according to my father and then weighed 8. This ritual needed to take place because God created us in his image – except for a tiny flap of skin on the head of a baby’s penis.

It is painful. For starters, I can’t have sex without it feeling like I am putting it my fist, closed as tightly as possible. That’s what I want to do when screwing – feel like I’m raping a chihuahua’s anus.

My balls are gargantuan, too, so that is another issue in itself. I sit on them all the time and can tell you the precise water temperature after taking a number 2 at your house. A company is also named after them called Goldman Sachs.

LEMON MERINGUE