A few things you need to know before coming to work at Apple.

At Apple, we strive to deliver quality to our consumers. As anyone who isn’t a dweeb knows, that means an iPhone. Remember, get the product to them and fix it later! We just want them walking home with an absent grin on their face and, most importantly of all, telling all of their friends that they have a new phone!

It is important that each new update adds more requirements to a system’s resources to use Apple software – both on our phones and tablets and shitty Macs and also on PCs too.

Recently, an iTunes update was released that made it totally non-functional on PCs. This is excellent. The idea that we need to test our things before we use them is ridiculous. We’re Apple.

Now that Stinky Stevie is Dead, this is the era of Botox Timmy! That means you won’t see our CEO calling Google at 4 AM to tell them their color is a shade off. Fuck, at this point, we don’t even notice when our new maps app we launch is fucking totally broke!

Of course, sources say we actually knew about those problems ahead of time! Fuck you guys. We set the bar for quality!

Also, we want to ban any apps from our competitors like Google anytime we get in a huff with them. Remember – we aren’t held to standards for some reason by congress (greasing palms)

Now, should you land a career in our vaunted innovation divisions, just know that any natural mistake or accident could result in us fucking with you and investigating you until you kill yourself.

We hate Adobe. We fuck with them non stop.

No morals? No problems! As long as we make money, we’re happy. Even if it means employing child labor.