Wrestlemania 9 was horrible. It had potential. It didn’t live up to any.

To begin, Jim Ross is thrust into the main commentary role, apparently because Gorilla was sick. But Ross was so new, it seemed a weird fit. Bobby Heenan and Macho Man were also on commentary. Macho Man should have been wrestling.

A big crazy pachyderm comes out, scaring me. The lady playing Cleopatra was always ugly to me. Looks like a skeleton. At least Randy Savage’s outfit looks awesome! My favorite he ever had. A crazy ostrich comes out and Heenan enters on a camel, backwards. How there wasn’t a line of animal shit down to the ring is a mystery to me.

The lighting is weird. It is shadowy in some spots and the sky is insanely bright. I hate the Roman theme music they’re playing for everyone to come down to the ring to.

HBK comes out with Luna Vachon, no explanation. Sherri comes out looking AWFUL. This match with Tatanka blows completely and ends with Shawn as champion, as a heel. He wouldn’t do a job. Tatanka has complained about this match as a huge negative in his career.

The Steiners have a very uninteresting match with The Headshrinkers. After Jim Ross calls it a “Steinerline,” Scotty Steiner botches a Frankensteiner as he does about 75% of the time. Scott wins.

Up next, Kona Crush faces Doink. Shaka Brah. Crush is on so many steroids, when he comes back years later, he is a tenth of the size. He later got big again in WCW and died. I really like this Doink. It is a lot like The Joker. Doink wins after another clown appears. The announcers act like it was an illusion. Stupid.

Big match next. Just kidding. Razor Ramon vs Bob Backlund. Horrible, and ends in a small package (not Titus ONeill).

We get a surprisingly early appearance for Hulk Hogan. He looks especially jiggly and small but don’t worry – he’ll be back later. Hogan and his alleged gay lover, Brutus “The Anal Beard Barber” Beefcake face IRS and Ted Dibiase, the one who was good. Great line from Bobby Heenan: “Savage – Leave.” Lots of talk about Hogans black eye. If Randy Savage punched him, as the rumor is, no sells it here. He does seem a LITTLE hesitant to discuss it, but that might be for a myriad of reasons. The fans are into the match and really behind Hogan. “Hanging from the rafter.” Says Macho Man, forgetting that outdoor-Earth doesn’t have rafters floating around. In Mario World, they do have this feature.

A “yes it does” “no it don’t” argument between Savage and Heenan happens. It is irritating. Beefcake appears to hump the ring when MDM takes his mask off. We are supposed to believe that Jimmy Hart having a striped jacket means he can count 3 in a match and it be valid. The Mega Maniacs lose by DQ. Lol such a sucky show.

Heenan tells story about the first Olympics and botches it. “I had this written by one of my staff members. Don’t worry – they’re fired now.”

Lex Luger and Mr. Perfect are next. In his book, Luger said Perfect was supposed to call the match and forgot it. Well, the match sucked and the crowd hated it. Luger wins. More disappointments.

Our next disappointment is Giant Gonzalez vs The Undertaker. As Macho Man says, “chlorafoam” is used by Gonzalez to get DQed. Crowd boo’s the finish. Rene Goulet comes out, in a toga. Hogan chants break out. Like an idiot, Heenan mentions it and everyone goes silent. Taker comes out and cleans house. Rene Goulet has to come back out and Reno 911 cops escort Gonzalaz out. One looks like the old guy sidekick to the fat guy in the Ernest movies.

We see Hacksaw Jim Duggan challenging Yokozuna in the angle that really made Yoko. That was replayed so much, it might hold some record. Then, we see all the background on Bret Hart and Yokozuna. I still think Bret should have won this, but the crowd WAS just chanting Hogan. Hulk Hogan comes in with Gene and challenges “Bret Hart or the Jap, brother.” Hulk then says he thinks one way or the other, the title is saying in the “good ole USA.” He must forget that Hitman is Canadian.

A couple of drunk idiots in curtains like they’re togas are interviewed. They began throwing work-punches and probably are proud of this footage, to this day. I would be.

Yoko and Bret come out. Bret is super over. Fans break out in a USA chant. Somehow, Savage mistakes this for a “Respect” chant. He corrects himself and Heenan calls the crowd stupid because Bret is a Canadian. About time. The lighting and coloring is just flickering because the sun keeps coming in and out of clouds. We get our fuck finish, salt in Bret’s eyes. Yoko wins the title. Inaudibly, Mr. Fuji challenges Hogan. For no reason. Of course, Hogan wins the title. The crowd pops but it feels empty. About $30 in fireworks goes off but it’s too bright to appreciate and mercifully, it ends.