The problem with Wrestlemania 29 was that it was way too predictable. We knew Taker, HHH and Cena would win, mainly because 2/3rds of those were rematches!!!
We open with some depressing stuff about New Jersey. Then we see its indeed Wrestlemania.
Shaemus, Orton and Big Slow will face The Shield. I was going to make a Big Show heel turn joke but he actually turns heel at the end of this match. Shield wins.
Next, Mark Henry will beat Ryback. We start with a Goldberg chant, followed by a Sexual Chocolate chant. We get another Sexual Chocolate chant. I bet the fans care about this. Henry wins.
We see the announcers playin with action figures, but doing it wrong. It’s some shitty toy that you wind up and it “fights” for 3 seconds on its own.
Chris Christie show how fat he is on stage with the Special Olympians. So, when 4 executives, a politician, a WWE executive and only two “Olympians” are on the stage, do you still think it’s about THEM – or maybe just a publicity stunt?
Big E and Dolph Ziggler challenge Daniel Bryan and Kane in a match of singles stars with no creative plans. Crowd is big on Bryan. It has been since Mania 28. Vince. Team Hell No (dumb name) win.
Jericho vs Fandango. This pissed me off because Jericho lost to a nobody. Several botches, including Jericho entirely missing the lionsault. Fandango wins, WWE fans lose.
We hear a P Diddy. How’s this music? Also he keeps calling out to New York but that isn’t where they are.
Next, It’s Jack Swagger and Del Rio. Leading up to the match, Swagger was arrested for the evil act of smoking weed. So he lost because of that. Also, the angle is racist. Del Rio comes out in a bath robe. Del Rio wins and we cut to Michael Strahan with some white chick appearing to be holding a beer, a pack of cigarettes and a phone, from a glance. I don’t want to rewind it to look because this damned show is almost 4 hours.
Next, CM Punk ate the ashes of Paul Bearer so he’ll fight the Undertaker. In Living Color sings Punk out and they’re awful. Then the Undertaker comes out. I’ve never understood why they put the lightning video up, like it’s real electricity or something. We know you’re just playing a video of shit. Also, it’s the lowest res electricity ever. Match happens and it’s great. Best of the night. Punk doesn’t break the table because he jumped too light. Taker wins, honors Paul Bearer and NES lightning comes back on the screens. Know what has nothing to do with this match? Chocolate milk.
More promos for Cena Rock 2, which we all knew would end in Cena winning.
Triple H comes out and gets blasted with dry ice in the ribs. It caused some damage, so they cut away, cut back and he wiped it all off. You can see him hurting on his way out and in the ring. Brock does a weird gorilla pose and shout and the crowd laughs, it looks so dumb. I think Brock breaks Shawn’s nose. Lesnar falls down when HHH goes for his first Pedigree. Brock later picks up both steps, stuck together, shakes them, then throws them. Insane power.
Funny to think that, if Punk had stayed, both Paul Heyman guys would have swapped opponents for the following year (and both would have won).
So it’s Rocky vs Cena finally. Rock is the fan favorite. We see Cena clearly telling Rock the next spot in the first STF. Lots of “this match sucks” chants. Rock was injured early in the match apparently and they had to cut it short. It still ended up being alright but this was a far too predictable. Rock tells Cena that this was the moment he came back for (to lose).
That’s Wrestlemania, folks. There were a lot better ones out there.