Pizza Hut has come out with an insane amount of new crust flavors. It is exciting to have new choices, right? No. They all suck ass and I’ll tell you why. I’ve ordered each one. I’m the expert.

Toasted Asiago. Should be called “Burnt cheese taste on crust.” It’s awful. I vomited three times after eating it, I swear.

Pretzel Crust. Literally all it is is huge salt crystals on classic crust.

Honey Sriracha. First, sticky as fuck. Second, it’s too hot. It ends up hurting my mouth. Why would you want this if you’re getting a pizza?

Hut Favorite. Sticky. Not what I was expecting and ended up ruining another pizza.

Fiery Red Pepper. Sticky, burned my asshole, too hot and not what you want the crust to taste like.

Get Curried Away. I probably will give my identity away to Pizza Hut by having been the only person to try this. It tasted like a huge handful of cheap curry was thrown in mounds on the pizza crust and was abhorrent.

Ginger Boom Boom. Not even I would try a ginger flavored pizza crust. Sick. Who comes up with these dumb fuck flavors?

Toasted Cheddar. MMMM, BURNT CHEESE! Just looks like they dropped a little cheese on the crust before baking it. It’s burnt.

Garlic Buttery Blend. Sticky ass blend. Didn’t taste any different to me than normal, either!

And while I’m at it…

Bacon. Cheese. Stuffed. Crust. Fucking. Bad. It tastes extra greasy, the bacon flavor doesn’t compliment the pizza flavor, ends up being too much at once and gross.

I have vomited several times in reviewing this for you, the reader and the public. That’s not a joke, either. I have probably wasted several hundred dollars ordering many of these fuck pizzas and most aren’t fitting to feed to a dog. Why would someone want a wad of curry on the crust of their pizza? Just make the damn pizza taste good and stop burning it 50% of the time and I’ll be happy!

I ordered one last night (toasted asiago, the final flavor on my list). The crust was, of course, inedible as usual. However, the pizza was burned over 75% of the surface. The fucking deliver guy looked pizzed…sorry, pissed that he only got $4.50 for his tip. However, he had no quality control at all over looking at what the hell he brought to my front door. And had I checked it before had, I would have sent it back. Why is it so hard not to burn a damn pizza – and if you do, not to send it to the customer who just paid about 10 times what it costs to make?

Pizza Hut – your business is down because you have sucky quality. The new menu items aren’t going to help it. If you want to add things to your menu that WILL possibly help it, look at putting pesto, olive oil, fresh mozzarella and other key ingredients from Italy onto the menu. One thing – the premium salami is awesome. Props on that.