My favorite bagged snack/treat food is and always has been Cheeto Paws, a short-lived 1990s brand of Cheetos that were 10 times as good as any of the others.

They were better than the puffy ones, because the puffy ones get in your teeth. You eat more than three and you have to call the dentist or start picking the shit out. As for the crunchy ones, those have always tasted burnt to me. Nasty.

Enter Cheetos Paws.

Paws found an excellent balance between the two. I remember kids getting them for 50 cents a bag at school during break times and one shared one with me. Just one, because they were precious, like cigarettes in prison. I could beg and usually get about 3 out of one kid before he would stop giving them up to me. My parents always forgot to give me money to take to school. Stupid of them.

Unfortunately, Cheeto Paws were discontinued because they were so good. Think about it – they were becoming a currency. I’ll give you a pencil for 2 paws. No way, no pencil is worth 2 paws. The U.S. Dollar was threatened.

Paws immediately was pulled from the market and we never learned why. Saddest day of my life.

If you look at the chart, the dollar rebounded against the Paw, but following 2000, began another decent. You might mistakenly think that Paws made a return, but it did not. It took a great destructive onslaught against America to drive the dollar down in that way.

Bring back Cheetos Paws, Frito Lay! They’re the greatest things ever.