Review: Back to the Future


We open to the clicking and ticking of a billion clocks. We see a house with shitty inventions that don’t work. The toast is burnt and dog food slops on the floor, making me sick. The place looks like a hoarder’s house. The home of Doctor Emmett L Brown.

Marty walks in and we hear some lines likely dubbed in a studio. We conveniently see the plutonium box doc has forgot to take with him to the Twin Pines Mall parking lot – but I guess comes back to get. Doc’s experiment to set his clocks behind 25 minutes is stupid. I would have cussed him. “You old idiot, don’t ever fucking do that shit again.” But Marty just hangs up and pulls some wild skateboard moves. 80s!

The principal Strickland shoves Marty and insults his dad. That would have gotten him slugged if he pulled either one of those on me. Huey Lewis cameo. He supposedly has a big one.

We see Jennifer’s massive camel toe and every bit of a nutsack on Parkinson’s. They sit down to kiss and an old LOUD lady comes up and screams “Save the clock tower” at the worst mind. Clockblocker. I would slap the can of coins out of her hand. “That’s the power of love!”

Biff wrecks George’s car because George didn’t tell him about the blind spot. He pours a bowl of peanut brittle. Nasty. The 80s look so nasty and cheap.

So Doc does his time machine thing. Also, he almost kills himself thanks to the standing in the path shit. It’s coming at them at 88 miles per hour and it vanishes about 6 feet before them. So uh, would you have stood there? No. The license plate falls off for no reason. Marty and Doc are just cut-and-pasted on top of the fire image. No effort-special effects.

Look at the feet
Look at the feet

Doc says he’s going 25 years into the future from 1985. He’d arrive in 2010. The dumb dog warns them of the terrorists. We hear some gun sounds from maybe 1930. Marty goes back to 1955 because that’s the last date doc explained.

His car is mistaken for a space ship. Really? He’s shot at twice. Lucky for him, the shotgun spread (that appears to be fired from 3 feet away by the bullet holes) misses twice.

Marty orders a Pepsi because product placement. Biff is angry that George eats in that diner. Then he goes to peep on Marty’s mom. Marty is knocked out and his mom looks at his dick. Future Bischoff/Hervey co owner Jason Hervey is at the table. Somehow a kid too stupid not to talk to his own parents in the past knows a street “a mile past Maple” instantly to be John F Kennedy Drive.

Marty meets Doc who is still an idiot. They decide to try to get struck by a lightening bolt in the car instead of getting plutonium. Why don’t they just stick the lightening rod on the car and drive 88 mph in a thunderstorm?? They go to the school. Just walk in. “A rhythmic ceremonial ritual”

So Marty manages to kiss his mom and have incestual moments with her, then he gets George and her back together.

Marty hopes Doc will have enough sense to heed his envelope warning, even though he never just blurts out what to do. I would. Doc tears it up before lightning is a dick to them.

Marty makes the smartest realization of the movie and follows it with the dumbest decision he has made yet. I’ve got all the time I need to save him! I have a time machine! “All right ten minutes oughta do it.” What? Seriously? Go a day earlier moron! I agree with Loraine’s dad – he’s an idiot and his parents are probably idiots too.

Despite slipping on a toilet while hanging a picture less than a week earlier, Doc develops Batman skills and jumps off the top of the court house. Marty makes it despite being insanely late because Deloreans suck and don’t start or just die. He also starts the car by head butting the steering wheel, indicating he may be a WWF 80s Samoan.

Red the bum makes an appearance. Now, even though Marty has only ten minutes, he gets out of the car and starts celebrating. The car fucking dies again. And since movie, the Libyans drive right past him!!!! So I swear, he starts chasing them on foot!!! (To the Lone Pine Mall). Somehow Marty goes back in time a lot quicker, it seems, this time. And Doc, knowing he would be shot by an AK-47, still chose to allow it to happen. What if he had been shot in the face? Why would he not just tip some cops off on the terrorists? Maybe he did it to preserve the timeline, but I don’t buy that. It was just for another movie surprise.

Finally, we get the ending, which was sort of a tongue in cheek thing not intended to really set up a sequel. Based on the enormous success, though, they just had to do two more…and it being around Marty’s kids needing help in the future is entirely idiotic. Just warning him in the past could have fixed it.

Classic movie but still pretty idiotic.

Continued in Back to the Future Part 2.

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